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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722939">Hope County's Therapist</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Far Cry 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>And think, Angst, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Cults, Death As A Theme, Descent into Madness, Drug Use, Dubious Morality, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, F/M, Fear of Death, Graphic Description of Corpses, Graphic description of torture, Heavy Themes, It Gets Worse, Language of Flowers, Loss of Identity, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Magic, Memento mori, Mental Health Issues, More tags to be added, My First AO3 Post, Near Death Experiences, Non-Consensual Drug Use, OC is actually an insert, OC is nonbinary, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Predator/Prey, Project at Eden's Gate, Re-Education, Re-naming as a means of indoctrination, Reader is Nonbinary, Reader is a therapist, Reader is named, References to Drugs, Religious Discussion, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Starts in the middle, Unreliable Narrator, an exploration of far cry 5's themes, and it shows in literally everything they do, bad trips, cult sympathizer, cult sympathy, cults are bad but whats worse is when theyre right, deputy may be swayed, disrespecting the dead, extension of magic in Far Cry, in another world this would be happy, morality is flimsy, reader is afab and treated as such, reader is misgendered, reader needs a therapist, terror trips, the three Seed brothers all love each other but they have problems, theyre doing their best</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:29:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722939</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hailey is a strange and thoughtful therapist who has lived in Hope County for a few years, and they have helped out at the Veteran's Center, The County Jail, and at the Clinic. They've known the oldest of the Seed brothers and befriended him slowly over time, but when the Reaping begins, things change. Hailey gets involved in much more than what they expected, and what that means for their own morals. They learned what it means to really join the Project at Eden's Gate.<br/> </p><p>____<br/>First fic as a heads up. Just a warning it may not be great, but it's mostly just self indulgence and coping, tbh.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jacob Seed/Original Nonbinary Character, Jacob Seed/Reader, John Seed/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. In the Middle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I felt a tug at my belt loop, and looked over to the serious face of Jacob. I knew he didn’t want me to walk away, but he didn’t have the words to ask me. His finger through my belt loop felt like a tether to this world. A world which would survive the end all else, a world where I, a young therapist, was more than just a therapist. I was a light, a healer, and savior to the people of Eden’s Gate.I would be a comfort and an understanding ear to listen to all the voices, like Faith but no Bliss to sweeten my words. Jacob started to say, “Hailey, you don’t have to-” but I interrupted him.</p>
<p>  “I do have to, Jacob. I do. I have a responsibility to everyone in Hope County to help them.” My voice wavered over his name, but my voice strengthened as I pulled away from his fingers, his hands, from him. There were more people in Hope County than just Eden’s Gate. The Resistance needed you just as much as Jacob and the rest did. In this war, I was supposed to be neutral, a mediator, a balancer. Someone who could do something to ease the fighting and maybe, just maybe, help someone stop this chaos.</p>
<p>  Jacob’s face hardened when I pulled away from him. The look of the man in front of me turned from Friend to Soldier. It dawned on me, at that moment, I may have given up the security of being a neutral party. In this world, Jacob was a critical part of Eden’s Gate. He was their protector. </p>
<p>If I was going to help the Resistance, I was not on his side.</p>
<p>I wasn’t at his side, like he wanted me to be.</p>
<p>  I took a step back as he took a step forward. The neutral soldier turned slowly into the hunter he had told me he was. Another step back, and another step forward. His longer legs brought him closer than I could back away from. As quick as I could, I turned from Jacob and ran in the opposite direction, hoping to make it out of his domain, the Veteran Center, without him or his people raising a hand to me.</p>
<p>  I swerved through the corridors, not hearing the footsteps behind me but not slowing down regardless. He was giving me a chance to leave, or turn back, maybe. I ran out of the Center and down it’s stairs, then out of the gates. I couldn’t turn my back on the rest of my patients and friends, I.. I just.. Couldn’t.</p>
<p>  I slowed to a halt once the Veteran’s Center was out of sight. Not exactly a safe distance away, but enough to stop for a breath, and to judge whether or not any alarm was raised by my leaving. After a minute of silence, I slumped my shoulder in relief. I wasn’t being chased, nothing was going to happen to me, for now. I walked the rest of the way down the path toward my cheap little yellow Jeep. It was never a good idea to leave it unlocked, and I quickly whippled the keys out of my small purse.</p>
<p>__________________________________________</p>
<p>  It had been days since I had visited the Veteran’s Center, and I hadn’t heard from Jacob or any of his people, which was unsettling. Usually they’d stop by my home every day or so to check in on me. I prepared my breakfast while humming a song I heard playing at Jacob’s Center a few times. I don’t know if it was his favorite song, or a rallying cry for his people, but it was a nice tune to cook to. After eating breakfast and getting ready for the day ahead of me, checking in on the Whitetails today, see if any of them are suffering any mental weariness. I had stayed clear of Jacob’s region for the most part since my last departure, staying in and around John and Faith’s region and checking in on the Resistance there. </p>
<p>I inhaled deeply, and held it for a moment, and released it slowly. It was going to be okay. I opened the door to my little cabin and found a distressing sight.</p>
<p>My Jeep had ‘SINNER’ scrawled across it.</p>
<p>  I felt my knees want to give out, but I stayed steady by holding the door frame. Shit. Of course this would happen eventually. They wanted me to pick a side, and it looks like this is the side I’ve chosen. The only repentance I would be privy to now, would be a baptism and scarring at the hands of John Seed. Jacob spoke of him fondly, as good, loving brothers would. It hurt my heart, staring at the Jeep. Would John know that I had walked away from Jacob? Walked away from the life he had offered me?</p>
<p>  I felt breathless, even as I continued to practice breathing exercises I’d often go through with my patients, and even my friend when they needed it, and sat down on my front steps. For just a minute, I’d rest. I looked down at my jeans and boots. If I was to have to fight, would this be the best attire? Would I even stand a chance against any member of Eden’s Gate, with how armed to the teeth they were? I already knew in my head that I wouldn’t be able to do anything except accept what they had in store for me if they got their hands on me.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>I went back inside and grabbed my pistol, the only weapon I had, and walked back out to my rugged Jeep. Inside the jeep, I made sure the safety was on, and I placed it in my glove compartment. ‘Just in case,’ I thought to myself, ‘just in case.’</p>
<p>  I drove the long drive towards the meeting point for the few Whitetails to meet me at, since I wasn’t privy to their base’s location(for a very good reason). I met with a few of them and had check ins with all of them on how all of this battle and stress was wearing on them. It was tough, talking with them about the murder and battles they had to endure, and trying to find ways for them to stay calm in battle and out of battle. I felt like the world was crashing down each time they spoke about ‘killing peggies’ as if they weren’t killing their neighbors, just as their neighbors were killing them.</p>
<p>  It was the nature of war, after all. Kill, pillage, destroy, kidnap, and torture. I had seen both sides do it at this point, and even as one started the fight, the other was determined to go head to head with them. The Resistance was smaller than the Eden’s Gate’s militia, and they weren’t as prepared, but both sides killed or kidnapped the other, either for information or conversion.</p>
<p>  Eden’s Gate wasn’t justified, and I had argued that with Jacob many times before, but he was convinced the world was going to end. If it was going to end, like he said, I had thought hard about any other alternatives to what they were doing aside from doing all they could to prepare for the end. It wasn’t much aside from, “Torture and kidnap and kill less, please and thank you.” Which I knew, in this world, wasn’t possible. The entirety of The Project at Eden’s Gate was convinced it was true, and what they were doing was the best solution they could come up with.</p>
<p>I got back into my jeep, contemplating it. I had always said that ‘Doing what’s right isn’t the same as doing what’s good’. This entire battle was that phrase put into motion.</p>
<p>  The Resistance was doing good by fighting back against kidnappers and killers that they saw the cult as. Eden’s Gate, well.. They saw it as them saving as many people as they could and getting what they could before the end was upon them. The Deputy was making sure that both sides were evenly matched, the tour de force that he was. He was formal, quiet, and cold when I met him. He had looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and smelt like a shower would be a relief. But he had no time for that, it seemed. He only gave me a nod when we met at the Hope County Jail on the few occasions I visited there and he happened to make an appearance.</p>
<p>I sped away from the Whitetails and down the road to the main roads only to be pulled out of my thoughts when I saw a convoy of Eden’s Gate’s trucks driving slowly by. I slowed to a stop just out of their line of sight, and killed the engine to my jeep.
</p>
<p>I watched them slowly pass by, and I could hear the sound of choir music blasting from their trucks. “Jacob’s gonna set those sinners free.” The lyrics poured out of the trucks like my own personal dirge. It hit me with more force than I realized just how fucked I was, if I didn’t decide where to put my allegiance. Once the trucks had long gone and I couldn’t hear the music or truck engines anymore, I drove home shaking. I grabbed my landline phone and called up my dearest friend and brother in bond, who I called by his nickname ‘Rogue’ since he was ironically, a bounty hunter. The phone rang a few times before there was an answer</p>
<p>“Hello?” Came from the other end of the line. I sighed and leaned my head against the wall as I began to speak.</p>
<p>“Hey, Rogue.. Whenever you get the chance, can you check in with John? I.. I know it’s hard for you to get past him with anything, but I’d like you to try and see what’s going on with Jacob, and if he knows anything about me.” I bit my lip and crinkled my eyebrows. This shit was a hard ask to the fucking boyfriend of John motherfucking Seed, but I had to ask.</p>
<p>There was silence on the other end of the line, and some shuffling, and Rogue spoke back up. He must have had company, because he whispered, “Shit. What the fuck happened? I haven’t heard anything about Jacob from John lately. Are you okay? Did something happen? I know you two were on the rocks before all of this but..” He trailed off.</p>
<p>I sighed, “Yeah, I know. Since the reaping began, he asked me something I couldn’t just say yes to. I backed away and then ran for my life, man.” I frowned as Rogue audibly snorted, his boyfriend being a key “Yes” man. Rogue had only recently joined the cult, but he was a good man, great even. Though I jokingly would call him a twink, he was well built and lithe at 6’0” even, with dyed black hair. In comparison, I was shorter at 5’5” with a decently athletic build after years of work to get it, with shoulder length dirty blonde hair.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I can see that happening. You really know how to reject a guy, you know that? I bet he bared his soul to you and you got scared, huh?” </p>
<p>I closed my eyes. Yeah, he was about right, and he knew it.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I did.” Was all I could come up with. Wouldn’t it be terrifying to be asked such a thing, to commit yourself to something that would change your life for however long as you lived? It was a lot of work, and I knew that I had the commitment in me, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted this, wanted to have a life that wasn’t entirely my own.</p>
<p>“You should hurry up and apologize, and like John says all the time, take the chance and say yes. You already have the tattoo, after all. Did you not show him it?” I shook my head.</p>
<p>Rogue was covered in tattoos, thanks to John, including the symbol for Eden’s Gate on his wrist. The only tattoo I had was a matching one, a large Eden’s Gate cross on my inner forearm, right below my elbow. I hadn’t shown Jacob, hell no. I was terrified of how he’d respond. I had gotten it before the Reaping, almost a year ago. Before things went public and the rumors were only rumors.</p>
<p>Now they weren’t, and I somehow still wanted to keep the tattoo.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A Surprise Visit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hailey gets a surprise visit that ends up.. well. Surprising.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the very next day that I got a knock on my door early in the morning, and I was still in my shorts and crop top pyjamas, something that was most comfortable on summer nights, and since it was late summer, I got any chance I could to wear comfortable clothing. I ran to the bathroom and threw on my robe, calling out a “One minute please!” to whoever was at my door. For a moment, I feared it would be someone with bad intentions, but I doubt they would have knocked to begin with. I scrambled to the door with unkempt hair and sleep still in my eyes, and tried to look presentable and professional as I opened the front door. </p>
<p>It turned out to be someone I really and truly didn’t expect a personal visit from. John Seed, the baptist himself. Along with a few peggies here to guard him. My jaw dropped just a bit as he smiled a very friendly and slightly menacing smile. Behind him, I heard an “Ahem”, and he turned slightly to allow me to see Rogue standing there with a much more nervous smile, and a small wave. My mouth naturally quirked at seeing him and I reflectively waved back.</p>
<p>I muttered a small sleepy, “Hi there, what can I do for ya’ll?” as I tightened my robes around me. It looked like Rogue wasn’t able to get by John’s keen eye after all. It wasn’t surprising, they both knew the other very well, with a silent language of their own. I plastered a fake welcoming smile and stepped to the side, in case John decided to come in. Which he did, with Rogue and his guard following him. The peggies lined the wall at every window and door in the living room as John made himself at home on the couch, gesturing at Rogue to sit beside him enthusiastically. PDA wasn’t a concern in front of Rogue’s friends, huh?</p>
<p>I sat in the recliner adjacent to the two, waiting for them to get situated before John would start whatever he was going to start. The shades of his sunglasses reflected the light from the fan above, and I realized the silence was because he was waiting for me to start. ‘Ah, shit.’ Was all I could come up with, when I realized he hadn’t spoken a word.</p>
<p>“Um, Well. Good morning to ya’ll, I guess?” I tried to sound chipper, but my voice was clearly still waking up. I looked at both of them, waiting for someone else to just say something. After a moment more of silence, John spoke up with a cheery tone that I suspected was false.</p>
<p>“Good morning to you too, Hailey! So, I hear you had a little spat with my dear older brother Jacob, hm?” He clapped his hands together as if we were having a light little conversation, which to him it might have been. If only I wasn’t so nervous about being visited so fucking early by John motherfucking Seed.</p>
<p>“Ah, yeah. About that.. You see, I just, uh. I was shocked and-” John cut me off with another smile and a wave of his hand.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, it can be hard making choices like that. I asked him about what happened and he got this look on his face,” John made a serious face almost like Jacob’s the other day, “and said it was nothing important. See, I know my brother, and I know my lover here,” He gestures to Rogue, who looks more than a bit flustered, “well enough to know that there is indeed something going on. Now, if you don’t mind filling me in, I would love to know what’s going on with my love’s friend, and my brother.” He finished his short speech and looked at me to spill my guts to him here and now.</p>
<p>Of course he’d already heard enough from Rogue about the vague details, and he knows a lie from a mile away, from the way Rogue talked about him. I mulled in my head what I was going to say, before I started from the beginning, recalling the conversation with Jacob almost a week ago now.</p>
<p>“So, I went to visit the Veteran’s Center like every other time. Spoke with some of the members there, did some mental evaluations for Jacob as per usual, and when I was going to check in with him about the people I’d evaluated that day. We spoke about the work first, of course. Always work first with him, yknow?” I paused looking at both John and Rogue who were listening intently, and I noticed John had reclined back and had his arm around Rogue, who was leaning into him just a bit. The two of them were picture perfect, if I had any say on perfection.</p>
<p>“Anyways, we were wrapping up, and he seemed to have something on his mind. I asked him what was going on, and he hit me with something I wasn’t really anticipating.” I looked away, thinking about what he asked me, ruminating on how I could have had a better response than to reject him and turn away. John waved his hand for me to continue, and I took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“He asked me to join Eden’s Gate officially, and to abandon the rest of Hope County.” I let out a breath, “But he knows I can’t do that. I have a job to do, you know? You know? I’m a certified therapist and this county’s only therapist for fuck’s sake! How can I do that to everyone who relies on me? I can’t just say, ‘Sure, I’ll join you, forget everyone else, and devote myself to Eden’s Gate!’  It doesn’t work like that!” I started to rant about my frustration that had been building up over the past week. Gods, everything happens so much in this fucking county. </p>
<p>“First it was just dealing with Sharky and his P.O.” but this was totally different. I didn’t realize it but I had started to ramble on. “Now its fucking war times and I have my hands full with everyone in need of someone to talk to! I have my limits and he dared to ask me if I could just up and leave that?! How! How! Do! You! Leave something like that?!” I stood up, causing the guards to eye me with their hands tensing on their guns, but not on the triggers.</p>
<p>“I’ll be right back, I need some water.” I hollered from my kitchen as I filled a cup up with tap water furiously. “Do any of you want some water or coffee or anything?” I peek my head back out of the kitchen to look into the living room, at the horde of guests I had.</p>
<p>“I’ll take some coffee, black please.” John almost chirped, seemingly glad I was venting to him about his brother. I figured he was preparing to tell me the ‘Power of Yes’ would change how I felt, if I just accepted it. I secretly rolled my eyes and looked at Rogue. “I’ll take coffee too, however you want to make it.” He nonchalantly tried to make this entire.. Visit seem like a casual one.</p>
<p>I made the two of them coffee, and grabbed a cup for myself along with the water. I walked back into the room to find John on my phone and Rogue smiling at me with a thumbs up, and I quirked my eyebrow at Rogue and sat the drinks down in front of everyone’s seat. When I sat down, John was already off the phone, smiling his signature lawyer smile, and spoke up, “We’ll be leaving after our coffee, thank you so much for opening up to us about what’s going on!” </p>
<p>John sat down and sipped his coffee and let out a small sigh of relief, and so did Rogue. Seems like I wasn’t the only one struggling this morning. John set down his coffee cup after a few more sips, and started to speak, sounding a decent bit more relaxed now that he’s had some coffee.</p>
<p>“I see that you’ve thought a lot about this. That’s a good thing, and we’ll welcome you with open arms. In the end, you’ll be needed so much more in the coming apocalypse than you are now by the people of Hope county. We’re already hurting without you as it is. You help our people settle in so well into their purpose.” A pang of guilt ran through me, though if it was from The Project needing you, or the fact you had helped them convert people, you couldn't tell. It was very likely both, at this point. John continued, “All you have to do, Hailey, is to decide. You can say Yes. You’re not bound by everyone in Hope County, only yourself. All you have to do is say Yes.”</p>
<p>I knew this sort of thing was coming, having heard Rogue talk about it, and the advertisements he ran on TV, even the giant ass ‘YES’ sign gave away what he’d say to me. Even still, his words hit me where it hurt. Of course he’d know what to say to me, he was a sharp man with sharp eyes. I’m sure that helped him and Rogue get along very well, since it seemed Rogue had always needed someone like John to just cut through the bullshit and see him for who he was.</p>
<p>“I..” I looked at Rogue. He gave me a small smile, obviously hopeful I’d join them. He was my best friend and brother at heart, I couldn’t say no to him. He was silently pleading for me to say ‘Yes’ just like he had many times over. He even had it tattooed on his back. I sighed and closed my eyes, and leaned back. </p>
<p>Here I was, with yet another Seed brother asking me to join the Project at Eden’s Gate. From my own feelings about Jacob to John’s love for my brother, I wanted to say ‘Yes’. I just feared everything that it meant to say Yes. If Joseph were here, surely he’d chastise me for my doubts, and would tell me to have faith, and might even send Faith herself to try to convince me. I doubt she could do much to really get me to say yes. Hell, the fear is the biggest issue I have, and Faith seems to not have gotten over fear herself. </p>
<p>I thought about it, seriously weighing my options. Do I abandon the good people of Hope County, for Eden’s Gate? For surviving the apocalypse, if the deputy doesn’t bring Eden’s Gate down? Would the Deputy kill me, if I joined Eden’s Gate? It scared me to think of it. It scared me to devote my being to Joseph Seed, someone who seemed to glow with knowing and conviction.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>I was about to say Yes to the Project at Eden’s Gate.</p>
<p>John was patiently waiting at the edge of his seat, and Rogue finished his coffee, dipping his head back for the last bit of the caffeine. I looked between the both of them, and to the peggies around the room. Fucking Hell. Fucking shit. I hoped I wouldn’t regret this, for fuck’s sake.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Inbetween</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After some interesting small talk, it's time to get into the van.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John very nearly pulled me into a hug, but Rogue beat him to it and he gripped me tightly in a bittersweet hug. I hugged Rogue back hard, hoping to myself that I wouldn’t regret this. I had already read the Book of Joseph before, when Jacob had an extra copy laying around outside the Veteran’s Center, he had let me take it. I didn’t know what to expect from it then, but now it’s obvious what it means to say ‘Yes’ to this cult.</p>
<p>It means living and dying for Joseph Seed, and preparing for the end of civilization under his command. I roll around in that thought as John sits down and Rogue and I separate from our hug, the smile on his face totally relieved I finally agreed to join, after over a year of nearly being a part of the cult anyways. It was honestly a miracle no one had forced you to join yet. Could it have been Jacob or Rogue’s work? Something to think on later, when I wasn't in the presence of John motherfucking Seed. </p>
<p>It was surreal to meet the man again, having only really met on the few occasions he was at the Vet’s Center before the Reaping began. I had met all of the Seeds one time or another, though only briefly and formally. It was powerful, they all commanded the air and energy around them to bend to their will, as if they were aware of the magic around them. It was fascinating to watch, honestly.</p>
<p>And also terrifying to be on the opposing end of that same magic. They were just as dangerous, if not moreso, than anyone I’ve met thus far in my life. John continued to sit in the silence with his cup of coffee, slowly drinking it as if he were waiting on something to happen. As it were, we were all waiting just like him. The guards waited for him to move on, Rogue waiting for him to finish his coffee, and I was waiting for him to leave so I could get changed out of robes and into proper day attire. It was almost peaceful as I sipped at my own coffee. Like I could ignore John and have a conversation with Rogue face to face after too long of being a part.</p>
<p>“Rogue, you’ve really been waiting for me to get with the program, huh?” I tried to start our conversation with a peppy tone. Rogue picked up on my mixed feeling immediately, with the way his eyes fell just a bit, but his smile stayed in place. Just like John, he was sharp as a whip and a chameleon. Just for different reasons. The Book of Joseph told you enough about John to know that their lives were both not dissimilar, but definitely not the same.</p>
<p>“Yeah, man. I’ve been waiting for an entire year for you to commit to this. Why wouldn’t I be excited my best bro was finally joining Eden’s Gate? You’ll make amazing changes, Hailey. I’ve worked with John and he’s damn good at his job, and I’ve been told I’m a ‘pretty good’ hunter, when I’m not helping John with baptisms.” Rogue flicked his black hair back out of his face while he did air quotes around ‘pretty good’. He must’ve been so proud to be praised like that.</p>
<p>If only being needed didn’t scare the shit out of me. Even as a therapist, I had my fears, my concerns, and hurdles that I struggled with. Fear was the biggest one. Fear of being competent, fear of being alive, fear of dying, fear of failure, you name it, I probably feared it at some point. At least I’d gotten over a lot of the fears with years of practice and help from my own therapist for a time, before I moved here to Hope County. Now there were new fears, ones to overcome still. ‘Commitment issues, anyone?’ I thought to myself before I responded to Rogue.</p>
<p>“You help with baptisms? That’s pretty dope, bro. I never asked, but do you hunt for Jacob,” I almost stuttered over his name, realizing he might be pissed I said yes to John instead of him, but continued smoothly, “or do you hunt for game in general for Eden’s Gate?” I raised an eyebrow to accentuate my statement.</p>
<p>“Both, actually. Mostly for game, but when Jacob’s strapped for people, I’m one of the ones he calls for backup. With the Deputy running around killing us like a madman, it’s hard not to keep busy.” Rogue waved his hands as he spoke, gesturing to an unseen Deputy to finish his statement. John clapped his hands, jolting both Rogue and I out of our chattering. It looks like he had finished his cup of coffee quicker than I expected. Did he want this conversation to end?</p>
<p>He stood up, and Rogue followed suit, and the guard all stood at attention, ready to leave the moment John started walking. It was honestly a little surreal to see all of them bend to John, but in the end, I had too, right? The power of the Seeds was not one to be trifled with. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It was nice to visit you, Hailey. You won’t regret saying yes, I promise. In about half an hour, a patrol will come pick you up with all of your things and take you to the Henbane River for a baptism. I’ll be there, don’t worry, but do be prepared in something white, please and thank you. Now,” He paused dramatically, looking towards all of his people and stopping on Rogue for just a moment with a small genuine smile, “It’s time to go. We’ll be seeing you, Hailey.” And with a flourish his hand in the air, the guards started to exit, and Rogue had waved a goodbye, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry for getting caught,’ that I waved away. </p>
<p>I mouthed back, ‘It’s fine, you tried.’ To which he gave me a soft smile and walked out the front door with John. The rest of the guard filtered out after them, and I was left alone in my living room with three empty mugs and one full cup of water. As if on airplane mode, I took all of the cups to the kitchen and cleaned them, and put them up before I realized John had said half an hour.</p>
<p>What the hell do you grab in a half hour when you’re joining a cult? </p>
<p>I shrugged to myself and ran around my home, grabbing my overnight bag and tossing clothes, hygiene products, towels, and some notebooks, pens, and sketchbooks. Things to work with were usually provided to me by the cult, but I couldn’t be so sure, so I tossed in my DMC-5 book along with a few books I had recently ordered on war trauma and active battle participants. They were hard to get a hold of here in Hope County, so keeping them nearby would be helpful.</p>
<p>Once I had felt I had gathered enough of whatever the fuck I needed, I searched the rest of my closest for semi-thick white clothes. I didn’t want them to go see through in water, so I settled on a simple button up long sleeved white shirt, a long white skirt that hit my calves, and a pale pink floral vest. It was simple, but would cover me up well even in water, and I searched for any pair of boots that would look decent with them, only to find that I had nothing but blacks, browns, and reds. Cursing, I looked around my home for any decent pair of shoes, only for the door to bang open.</p>
<p>I didn’t lock it after John, did I?</p>
<p>It turns out the peggies who were coming to pick me up were in a rush, because they grabbed my bag out of my hands and led me out of the house with only a, “Let’s get going,” to tell me time was up. It was jarring to say the least, as I looked at all of them and the van I was getting into. They threw my bag in the front seat, as I walked around to the back of the van. There were two people chained up as I hopped in. One of them was an older man who looked like he was angry at the world, and a woman who was silently weeping. In comparison to them, I seemed to be well composed. Inside, I was a bit of a storm, but my face gave none of it away as I sat down across from the guard, and beside the angry man.</p>
<p>The car ride was mostly silent, until the man beside me spoke up. “The fuck’er ya doin’ in tha geddup?” He was looking at me, and I blinked owlishly. “Don’ tell me yer one o’ ‘em peggies.” He pointed his head towards the peggie across from me. I grimaced and looked away. </p>
<p>I was, wasn’t I? I was a peggie long before I said yes, I realized. I was just afraid to admit it. If therapy taught me anything, it’s that reflecting and realizing your vulnerabilities could also be your strengths if you really truly accepted it about yourself.</p>
<p>“I..” I began to speak, catching everyone in the van’s attention. “I’m a lucky person. I’ve made my choice to join the Project at Eden’s Gate. If the world is really coming to an end, don’t you think what they’re doing is the smartest idea?” I looked at the man’s eyes, they were brown, and they wrinkled in disgust.</p>
<p>“Fuckin’ peggies gettin’ ahold a’ our women.” He muttered and turned away from me. With indignation, I retorted with a, “Excuse me for fucking seeing their point, sexist asshole.” The old man looked at the peggie and spit on him. The guard hushed us and pointed at the man with his gun.</p>
<p>“You, shut up n’ keep yer mouth closed if ya don’t want to meet the Lord right now. John will be disappointed to hear ya died, but it’ll be no loss to the Project.” The guard glared at the man, who huffed and glared at the rest of the van, and the woman wept even harder. She must’ve been scared shitless. </p>
<p>Time continued to pass for a bit in the quiet, the only sound being the engine of the van and the small sobs from the woman. I looked up at the roof of the van and sighed. It sucked that I lived so far from the Henbane River, wishing this van ride would be over already.</p>
<p>After a bit more time and a few bumps in the road, the van came to a halt on a slight incline. The van was turned off and the engine began to settle. When the doors opened, it was a cloudy noon. The trees softly whispered in the wind, and the sound of people bustling around the vans could be heard. I looked at the man who opened the door, and he put his hand out to help me out of the truck, which I hesitantly took. It was like the trees hid this little band of people from the world, with the only opening being the expansive Henbane. It was breathtaking as I looked upon it with a sense of peace. </p>
<p>Maybe things wouldn’t go to shit? I stepped out of the way of the other people being herded out of the van. The man struggled and growled at the peggies, and the woman wobbled on her feet but obeyed their pulling. The sound of birds was not heard, and the wind was lukewarm on my skin. This was something out of a novel, surely. We were all lined up with a few more people, all in chains, and the baptisms began.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Into the River Below</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John was there, already wading in the water, with Rogue and a few other peggies, preparing for this new ‘batch’ of people to baptize. After a bit of commotion, all of the peggies finally seemed ready for what was about to happen. John started to preach, and speak of ‘being cleansed’ of this life. Then the peggies began dragging people into the water.</p>
<p>The first person to be baptized was a young man who looked pissed to even be here. They forced him into the river and dunked him into the water without hesitation. He struggled for a moment, but when they finally, after a brief moment of calm, pulled him back up, he looked as if he just woke up from a dream. He wandered with the peggie holding his arm, to the vans again.</p>
<p>The next person was another man, who seemed to already be blissed out. He didn’t resist getting dunked under, nor did he struggle for air. When they pulled him up, he had no reaction other than to follow the next peggie holding him. After him was a screaming woman who was also silenced, over and over again. They were baptized and turned into lambs. I could only watch as the person in front of me walked into the water. Again, they looked like they were dreaming when they rose from the blissed waters.</p>
<p>It was now my turn to wade into the water. The cool mud of the river bank stuck to my feet as I started to walk into the water. My heart was pounding. Was I going to be like the rest of them? Just another lamb, guided by sober cultists and molded to fit the Seed’s needs? I was met with Rogue, giving me a gentle smile. My closest friend was going to baptize into Eden’s Gate.</p>
<p>Rogue carefully took my hands, and whispered, “I’m so glad you said yes. I promise you, you’re gonna be okay.” I looked at him and swallowed hard. All I could do was nod at him, before he gently pushed me under the water.</p>
<p>I blinked under the water. Should I have closed my eyes? Time seemed to slow, and I was slowly starting to need air, but I was still held down. I tensed and my body forced me to gasp for air, but I only got a mouthful of bliss water.</p>
<p>I was pulled up and out of the water, like I was weightless. Coughing, I looked around me. The world was beautiful, and I lived in this world. But it was going to change soon. I already knew that, deep, deep down. I looked at Rogue with wide eyes, and laughed. He grinned at my reaction and helped me out of the water and I continued to laugh like a child. Not because I was weightless, though I felt like it. Not because the world was going to end, either. I was laughing, because like a child who realized they were free to stay up all night, I was free, too. Free of Hope County. Free of being a therapist for little to no money. Free of the world that was going to collapse. I was going to be alive after the change! I could make a difference with the peggies!</p>
<p>“I’m a peggie,” I whisper-giggled into Rogues shoulder, as he led me to one of the pretty white vans. The world sparkled, and like a child seeing the full moon in a clear sky, I gasped in awe. It was so glorious. I looked at John, who was speaking to Rogue, but I didn’t care what he or Rogue was saying. He was beautiful too. He knew what the bliss shows people, and so did Rogue. My soul swelled with gratitude to these two men who made sure I was saved, who cared about me.</p>
<p>I stared at John and then thought of Jacob, and how they were different. Jacob was more muscular, and built. John was still muscular, but more in a trainer way compared to Jacob’s mountain man looks. John’s beard was more well kept compared to Jacob’s too. They were both strong willed and opinionated people. The world must have shaped them harshly, just like it had Rogue. Just like it had me, too. ‘All of the Seeds must have been forged in fire,’ I thought.</p>
<p>The look on John’s face changed as he looked at me. Oh, he was looking at me? “Oh! I must have said that out loud.” I spoke, moving my mouth as if it was a strange and complex creature. John gave a slight, if not hesitant, grin at my blissed out antics. I felt Rogue quietly laugh against my shoulder. The moment came to an end as John said something or another to Rogue, and we continued our little walk to the van.</p>
<p>This time, I was with two women, both of whom seemed to be in their own world of bliss, maybe they were hallucinating, aswell? I licked my lips as I thought about it. I had only seen sparkles so far, as well as some distortion that made me feel all sorts of wobbly, but nothing crazy yet. I looked at the peggie who sat in the back with us, and smiled at him. He smiled back, if not a little awkwardly.</p>
<p>The van started up, taking us anywhere, and I giggled at the possibilities. Where would we go? The driver of the van started to play a song singing about the Bliss. It was fitting, I thought. I watched a shining light pass by me, and then another. I heard someone else laugh, another woman, but it wasn’t anyone in the van. I looked around bewildered and as curious as a cat. Where did that laugh come from? Was it Faith giggling at all the blissed out people? Was it just a part of the music?</p>
<p>No one else seemed to have heard the laugh or acknowledged it, so I let it go. Down, down the river it went, my mind flowing smoothly. I bathed in the free flowing thoughts. About my past, about my future, but what stuck in the river of my mind the most, was Eden’s Gate. These people were so prepared for the end, it had to happen one way or another. They would make it happen, I was sure of it. </p>
<p>I started to doze in and out, falling into a warm blanket of darkness. Over and over, I would nod off. By the time we arrived wherever we were going, the Bliss had started to wear thin and I was coming down from the high, having slept part way through it. It seemed to be late afternoon, wherever we were. Once the driver killed the van, the guard in the back with the three of us opened the back door. The other two women seemed to be still dazed and confused, but I felt only a small bit dazed. I guess that’s what already experiencing a trip is like, even if this was a different sort from my one DMT escapade. </p>
<p>Out of the two drugs, DMT and Bliss? I’d choose Bliss every time. Nothing compares to the terror trip I had experienced on DMT. I had wanted to try it for the spiritual benefits, but I ended up facing some of the worst things I fear and more in that trip. I shook my head, pulling myself away from those thoughts that still haunted me. Bliss was definitely better. Two different sorts of trips, two different families of drugs, two totally different experiences. There were no fractals on Bliss, no infinite spinning, and no dying and killing others over and over and over.</p>
<p>And no fucking jester masks. Haha.</p>
<p>I realized I must have been coming down real hard from the Bliss, if I was starting to spiral into the thoughts of the trauma I faced on DMT. I distracted myself by looking out the van and I finally climbed out of the van and to what seemed to be a bunker. John’s bunker, from what Rogue had spoken of it on the few times he mentioned going MIA for a few days. The sparkles of the Bliss had started to completely fade by the time the other peggies walked me and the group of other initiates into the dark below.</p>
<p>The scrawls of “THE POWER OF YES” and posters littered the walls of the bunker as we descended, lead by none other than John motherfucking Seed himself, and at his side, Rogue was leaning against the wall, waiting for John to start whatever speech he was about to give us as we walked into the main part of the bunker. By this time, some of the other baptized people started to come down from their own high. A few were still complacent, but most of the people now fought even harder, even yelling to be released. The peggie who smiled at me in the van was punched by a man who had somehow removed his shackles, only to be shot in the head.</p>
<p>I flinched hard and heard ringing in my ears. I looked at the dead body in front of me. I’d seen a few on the roads and I hardly could handle it then, but now that a man was shot in front of me, I felt my stomach turn and my throat close up. I looked at where the gunshot came from, only for my eyes to land on Rogue. He looked deadly serious, and I couldn’t breathe. He had done this before, done this for John, killed for the Seeds. I felt knees crash into the floor below me as I heard a scream, and my throat was raw. The scream was far away but all around me, and I realized I was screaming. I wished to be back in the bliss and so that I could look away from the dead body, bleeding out from its head. Rogue looked at me and a look of remorse was covered up by a stoic facade, just as quickly as the break in his face showed itself, it was gone. The only ones who caught his look were John and I. John had been watching him the whole time since the man broke out of line, as if he was waiting for Rogue to kill him. Wanted to watch him kill.</p>
<p>It was a warning, I realized. For all of us. For me. Act out of line and get a bullet in the skull. There was no way I was going to make Rogue shoot me, so I silenced my screams with my own hands and forced myself back up. I looked at the other baptized folk and saw that a few of them were worse off than I was, one of the men had even vomited. I took a deep breath, trying and failing to settle my nerves. I tried another deep breath, telling myself that I’d already seen the dead before. That this wasn’t the first or last person on either side to die. That Rogue was okay with killing people if he had to.</p>
<p>The room was filled with chaos, I realized, as I had panicked before, I didn’t notice the other gunshots, or maybe I couldn’t hear them with the ringing in my ears being so damn loud. My hands were shaking like mad, and I saw that almost half of the people with me had tried to fight when the first man in front of me had lashed out. There were more bodies, more warnings to everyone around. This is what happens when someone fights against the Seeds. This is what they do. I knew they’d weed people out, ‘cut the chaff from the wheat’ as they said, but I didn’t.. I tightened my fists, still trembling.</p>
<p>I signed up for a cult, had friends in the cult, and I’ve abandoned my life outside of the cult. It wasn’t a good choice, but something in me told me that even with this weight, I could live. I’d faced many things, even my death by my own hands. I could live with seeing the living killed, if I truly had to, couldn’t I? The books in my bag the peggies had in a van somewhere must have something on this. On seeing death and facing it every day. I remember reading about it in “A Man’s Search for Meaning” by Vicktor Frankl. </p>
<p>He had spoken of how death soon became just another moment when you become familiar with it, how it becomes just ‘another body’. About how he had lost the pure part of him that death affected while he was in Alcatraz. The effect it had on a person’s spirit if it wasn’t hardened, it would end up broken. This was one of those moments that would change someone. I blinked and stared at the body. There was no spirit in the body, no emotion, no life. To live, all of us in this bunker would have to follow John’s word to live past the bunker door.</p>
<p>The question I pondered to myself, as the bodies were shoved to the side to be cleaned out, was if I would accept John’s rule. Could I? I had already decided to follow The Father, Joseph Seed, despite all of his wrongdoings and flaws. My life would never be the same without Rogue, without the work, or purpose I had created for myself within Eden’s Gate. If I left now, I’d be killed. I’d lose Rogue, I’d lose my driving purpose. The people outside of Eden’s Gate hadn’t appreciated the work I did before, so why would they now?<br/>I frowned and noticed John was finally ready to speak. I must have been lost in my head, because the bodies were all carried away at some point. John started by raising his hands to the air above him, “Brothers and sisters, do not weep for the souls of the departed. They were the chaff, and you are the wheat!” I watched the peggies nod, even as they kept their eyes on us. “This is a test, just as The Father, my brother Joseph had spoken of. You will meet trials and tribulations that will test your strength, your will, and most of all, your faith. But I believe,” John placed a hand over his heart as he continued, “that you all will be able to overcome and pass this test. All you have to do, and I say it every time, is say yes.” John gave a small chuckle as he said the last bit, as if we were all in on a joke.</p>
<p>It was a joke, in some way. Say yes to indoctrination and you won’t regret it! The irony of me having been possibly the only willing member of this sad little band of new recruits was not lost on me, either. John turned away from the now shorter line of people and walked deeper into the bunker, where peggies started to place people in cells, for who knows what. Finally, I realized it was only me, John, Rogue, and a few other peggies.</p>
<p>“You,” John pointed to me and gave a confident smile, “are ready to confess, since you came here so willingly.” Rogue was beside him and still had a stoic face painted on, probably worried I would reject or that I hated him for seeing what he had done, and had been doing. I didn’t. I didn’t hate him and I wouldn’t reject John’s declaration.</p>
<p>“So, how do we go about the confession?” I asked, wondering if it had to do with bliss or anything like that. The look on John’s face turned just the slightest bit fervent as he wrapped his arm around one of my clothed arms, still moist from the river, and began almost dragging me even further into the bunker Rogue was on the other side of me glancing at me and John, as if something bad was about to happen.</p>
<p>Knowing the look on his face, he knew something I didn’t. I understood then, that confessing wasn’t going to be pleasant.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A Sinner's Skin and the Seeds Planted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was strapped to a chair with belts, and I could feel sweat beading on my head. I was shaking, and trying to control my breath for yet another time today. I looked around the room, having already passed the bodies and ‘art pieces’ displayed on the way. The room was wrapped in metal and groaned as such with each step John took to prepare for my confession. Rogue wasn’t here, but he was outside waiting for the both of us to emerge. I waited patiently for John to set up everything, watching his each movement to set items I assumed were used for torture. When John finished setting up, he patted his hips almost as if saying to himself, ‘perfect, it’s presentable.’</p>
<p>“Now, Hailey. We will start your confession. You will tell me everything you have done, no matter how big, no matter how small, you will.. Confess to it all.” I watched him pick up a tattoo gun, but think better of it and go for a scalpel. He used to cut the sleeves from my shirt, and he paid extra attention to the Eden’s Gate symbol long since healed on my skin. John shook his head and looked up at me while he pulled the skin near the tattoo.</p>
<p>“You only now have said Yes, but you’ve had this tattoo for how long?” John clicked his tongue and waited for me to respond.</p>
<p>“I.. I’ve had it for just over a year now. I read the Book of Joseph that Jacob gave me, and listened to him speak about the end and I..” I started to trail off, when John twirled his hand as if beckoning for me to continue. “I resonated with the message so much that I decided to get the tattoo of Eden’s Gate as a reminder. Of the transience of this world, and the potential for a new beginning.” I looked away, before finally adding, “I haven’t shown anyone but Rogue the tattoo. I didn’t want anyone to know.”</p>
<p>John nodded as if he understood, and looked to be thinking, before a smile broke out across his face, excitement bursting from him. “Ahh! So that’s it. Your Pride has prevented you from joining The Project at Eden’s Gate?” John hummed for a moment. “Well, we’re here to lay your sins bare, so it’s only fitting that,” he set the scalpel down and grabbed the tattoo gun again, “we put Pride right beside Eden, no?”</p>
<p>Before I could respond, he started to write the ‘I’ in PRIDE. It was painful, more painful than the tattoo had been. Where the tattoo was deep cat scratches and sunburn, this was a flame and a knife digging into me. I gripped the chair hard and stifled a cry. I could take this. I had to say yes to this. This was a part of the transformation, right? Yes, I could handle this excruciating pain. Yes, I could take more than this. </p>
<p>It felt like forever until he moved to the ‘R’, slowly, painfully, he wrote out pride on my arm, skin pouring blood from the deep wounds. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt so much. But I had to take this. My body twitched in pain but I tried to keep my arm still for John. I had to, or else the mark would be messed up. John made it to the D, and by this time I was becoming almost meditative in the pain. I focused on my breath. In through my nose, hold, slowly out through my mouth. In, and out. When John made it to ‘P’, I realized this was a spiritual experience, a sacred bonding moment.</p>
<p>Just like the people of old who came of age, I, too had come of age. The tears in my eyes and the flames of pain eating at my skin, the blood and ink, all testaments to this sacred process. That John was giving me a gift from his own hand. He was giving me a breath of life, in this moment. My heart opened and I felt myself weep, but not from the pain, which now throbbed as he finished the ‘E’, but from the awe and love I held for the man in front of me who knew I had to suffer to learn the truth.</p>
<p>I briefly wondered, if this was pain induced delirium, but I shoved that thought away. It was easier to accept that spiritual experience was the Truth. That what John and the rest of the Seeds were right. John sighed in satisfaction, almost as if he had just finished a marathon, and looked at me with his wide blue eyes.</p>
<p>“It’s done.” he said, panting. John wiped his forehead, and I let out a pathetic whimper. He looked at me, and waited patiently for me to calm down and come away from the pained high.</p>
<p>“I… I..” I gasped for air, the burning in my arm still throbbing harshly. “Th-thank you, John.” It was the only thing I could get out, of all the rushing things in my mind. There was so much to say and yet nothing at all. The only thing that mattered was that I thanked him. John was busy with more tools, and I realized we weren’t done here.</p>
<p>He asked, “What else, Hailey? Dig deep, tell me everything you’ve done. You must be judged to be absolved of these sins.” I could just barely shake my head up and down as my head was swimming. </p>
<p>“I.. I take and take, and think of myself a lot. I worry about what happens to me, what I get out of things that I shouldn’t, if something benefits me or not, despite it being better for the people around me.” I searched my mind. “I’ve lusted after people, I’ve stolen more than my share of foods, I.. I.. I’ve hurt people because I wanted to, because I was mad, angry, even. I’ve been lazy and denied responsibility in favor of sitting on my ass. I’ve wished to be other people, to have other people’s material wealth and I’ve stolen because of it.” I continued to spill my metaphorical guts out, about everything that I’ve ever done, everything I could think of. I went on for a long time, and John just nodded, listening. It was like therapy but very different, more pain, to make it all spill out like the blood dripping from my arm.</p>
<p>John finally let out a laugh, “You seem to be prone to outbursts, hm? Well, that’s alright. We accept you, with all of your sin and flaws, you’re home with us.” The buzzing of the tattoo machine whirred up again and I felt the pain shoot through my right arm, He was starting with an ‘E’. Greed? Envy? Time seemed to blur as blood was spilled and the pain washed over me again. I wasn’t sure if I was blacking out from the blood loss or the pain, but each time, I woke up mumbling ‘thank you’s to John for taking time to do this for me.</p>
<p>When I awoke for the final time of the session, I saw my collarbone painted with Lust, my right arm with Greed, my stomach with Gluttony, Wrath, Envy. My skirt was hiked up over my left leg where Sloth was scrawled. My once white clothes were now painted reds and pinks and browns from all of the blood. I could barely lift my head as I looked at John. I must have lost a lot of blood, it seemed. </p>
<p>John was cleaning up his equipment, and Rogue came in, finally. He held a worried, searching face as he stared at me. I tried to smile at him, but it was hard. He quickly grabbed the gauze tape on the table and began wrapping my sins up, to allow them to clot better. I could only imagine what I must’ve looked like to them, then and there. Covered with all of the sins I had committed. I was not a great person, and I was a therapist, teaching others to be better than me. Better than what I was years ago.</p>
<p>__________<br/>I had been taken from the confessional and into what I assumed was my holding cell. I was tired, my eyes heavy, and Rogue was patting my check as if I was a child while I sat on the cot, leaning heavily on him. I would fall asleep if it weren’t for my dear friend muttering things to me, about how proud he was, impressed that I was able to handle each sin and still try to be better. He spoke of his nights of quiet with John, where they’d sit and smoke ‘oregano’ together to ease their weary minds when the days were long and tough. He told me of soft, tender moments where John showed himself to be hurt by his life, of the burdens he bears, the sins he still struggles with. Of Rogue’s own baptism and confession, and how he had been taken in the night.</p>
<p>I remembered that time. When he had disappeared for who knows how long. He had been talking to me before then about the back then ‘Project at Eden’s Gate Commune’, talking about how it was something to watch for. And I did. I saw the Vets at the Veteran’s Center start to slowly follow Joseph, with the purpose they gave him. I saw what he did to the people I visited, patients I checked in upon. Faith was the same, taking some of the addicts and other outcasts who would’ve wasted away alone, and took them with her into the Bliss.</p>
<p>Now understanding what the Bliss was like, I wasn’t surprised to see so many people follow her.</p>
<p>John was.. He was someone people wanted to follow, if they were trusting enough. If he wanted you to open up, you would. I felt that first hand, just being in his presence.</p>
<p>Joseph Seed, though… I had met him only a handful of times, all in passing, when he’d visit the Veteran’s Center. Initially, I had worked at the clinic, but more and more I had found it easier to see most of my patients at the center, since the majority of them were Veterans anyways. I met him one of the first times I was at the center, seeing him preach to the Vets, and having all of them, even the ones who I didn’t know or wouldn’t open up to an out of towner like myself, on the edges of their seat listening to Joseph speak. Their rapt attention to the Seeds hit home how some of these people needed more than a simple therapist could give them alone.</p>
<p>Sometimes they needed more than just guidance. Sometimes people needed someone to believe in. </p>
<p>I dozed off thinking about the first time I met Jacob. It was my first visit to the Veteran’s center, before I met any of the other Seeds.</p>
<p>He had refused therapy, but insisted on evaluating me instead.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Recovery and Betrayals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I awoke to intense pain and the feeling of exhaustion, undoubtedly from the sins freshly marred into my skin. How I hadn’t bled out was anyone’s guess. Maybe even The Father would say something about it if he were here. I moved to sit up, only to be met with a hand pushing me down. I hadn’t noticed before, but John was sitting aside the cot I was sleeping on. I looked at him quizzically, and he smiled with his pearly whites showing. His blue eyes were boring into me being, as if he was ready to ask me things he hadn’t yesterday. Knowing he was already a busy man, I was sure that was why he had stayed. He needed something I had.</p>
<p>The only thing I had was information, I realized. On the Whitetails, on the Resistance. Their morale, meeting locations, the works. </p>
<p>“You’re awake.” He started in a whisper, “Rogue was worried about you, you were hardly responsive. I told him The Father would be praying for you, and that Rogue should get some rest.” John gestured to the cot in the corner of the cell, Rogue tossing and turning on it in a fit during his sleep. “He thought you might not wake up, truth be told. I knew you would, though. You had said Yes, so there was no way God would take you early.”</p>
<p>I hummed in acknowledgement and groggily muttered, “And here I am, right as rain. Ugh. Do we have anything for pain?” I groaned, and John tsked at me like I was a kid throwing a fit.</p>
<p>“Not now, you must bear the burden of your sins until the weight has settled in, and then we will release you once you have atoned. The beginning of that atonement..” He raised his voice as he stood up, with predatory eyes that weren’t unlike his dear brother Jacob’s. The Blues were cold as he looked at me, and I glanced at Rogue who was starting to wake up to John’s voice, “Is telling us,” he pointed to himself and Rogue who was sitting up slowly, watching the conversation with wary eyes, “all that you know about the Resistance.”</p>
<p>Yeah, I knew this was going to happen, but at least I could lay down to ease the pain of my sins while betraying the people of Hope County. Maybe John knew that’d make me more compliant? It was a good strategy, I had to applaud him and the rest of the Seeds for their manipulations. They were fantastic at it.</p>
<p>“Ah, well..” I trailed off, thinking. “The Resistance has quite a few strong willed people, but there are a few civilians who weren’t ready for an active war zone. They haven’t adjusted to it well, and their defenses are weaker than the rest of the Resistance. Most of them are here in your region, but I’d suggest sending in some of Jacob’s specialists to incapacitate them quickly and quietly. The Resistance has patrols in that area every hour or so, they’ll have to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.” I continued on with the routes I knew, the meeting places I’d used for the Whitetails, to my guess at the number of people at the Hope County Jail. </p>
<p>Finally, John asked me, “And what do you know about their Deputy?”</p>
<p>I paused, recalling the few times I’d met the Deputy as my wounds throbbed.</p>
<p>“He.. he seems to just be doing what he’s told. Like he doesn’t want to think about what he’s doing, about what’s happening in front of him. I don’t think he’s from the military, seeing as he doesn’t have the air about him.” I tried to gesture vaguely about his presentation, but stopped with a hiss as ‘PRIDE’ flared up when I moved my arm.<br/>“I haven’t spoken to him on a personal level to know too much, but from what I’ve seen, he can’t handle emotional connections. He stays distant from everyone at the Resistance, even if he’s teamed up with them or he’s saved them.” I recalled the time he was passing by the Hope County Jail as I was talking to Whitehorse. I told John of how the Deputy seemed to be distant even with the Sheriff. I questioned out loud, “I’d wonder if he’s afraid of losing them, so he’s keeping his distance? If that’s the case, he’s emotionally vulnerable.. Hmm.” My mind pulled me deeper into the line of questioning, as if to avoid the pain still eating away at my consciousness.</p>
<p>“He’d probably bend more if we sent someone who could dig into his mind and get him to talk. Someone he might trust enough to open up. It’d have to be on his terms, on his playing field, when he has down time. Which, he never gave himself from what I heard floating in the Resistance.” I muttered on, but John seemed to have heard enough, because he walked out with the look of a man on a mission, leaving Rogue and I alone in the cell together.</p>
<p>Once John was out of earshot, Rogue rushed to my side with a concerned expression and a look of guilt. “I’m so sorry bro, I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know he’d write all of the sins on your arms. It’s my fault you were here to begin with. I’m sorry I shot a man in front of you. I didn’t tell you about the killing and I--” He seemed to be spiralling with words unspoken between us. Fears he had about my dying, fears about bringing me into what he knew was a dangerous cult, all of it. He almost started to cry, but I hushed him by forcing myself to lift my arm, ‘PRIDE’ screaming at me to stop, and pat his cheek with a weak smile on my face.</p>
<p>“You didn’t expect this. It’s okay. It’s better I know the reality rather than the fantasy. I love you. I love you, bro. It’s okay. We’re okay.” I started as a whisper but it turned into a mantra as a few tears slipped out of my eyes. We were gonna be okay. Rogue and I both. I had to make sure of it.</p>
<p>I could talk to the Deputy, maybe convince him to look at it just differently enough that he’d stop fighting.</p>
<p>If the Seeds couldn’t get into his head, they needed someone who was trained for that very reason. I didn’t read up on the psychology of war heroes and civilians in warzones for nothing. I just had to convince one of the Seeds that I was the person for the job. At least, I hoped I was.</p>
<p>For Rogue, who saved my life many times over, I’d die before I let the Deputy ruin his happiness here at Eden’s Gate. From the moment we met, something about Rogue stuck with me, and I stuck with him. Brothers in bond meant more than just a good friendship. We had both spoken of other lives together, lives we died in only to be born into this life and find each other again.</p>
<p>Surely, if the God Joseph spoke of exists, then He must have led me to Rogue each and every time. There was a bond between us few could share. I would join Eden’s Gate a million times over if it meant Rogue would be happy and safe.</p>
<p>It crossed my mind, in that moment, that if Jacob had mentioned Rogue’s wellbeing when he asked me to join the cult, I would have said yes. Aside from my own belief in the power of The Father, Joseph, commanded and held, Rogue was my main attachment to the cult outside of my work as a therapist. He was a part of my purpose, to be his friend and brother.</p>
<p>For him, I’d give my life and death to Joseph.</p>
<p>We stayed there, me holding his face in my palm gently, and he had moved his hand to my own face. I leaned in to his touch. His black hair covered most of his face, but I felt the relief come off of him in waves.</p>
<p>I was sure he could feel the love and duty I had to him radiate from my being as well. I would kill the Deputy if the worst came to worst, to protect moments like this.</p>
<p>Maybe the Seeds all had this connection to each other, too? In The Book of Joseph, it truly felt as if they did. Maybe it was a holy connection between true family.</p>
<p>The moment slowly, quietly came to an end as my strength ebbed and I had to put my arm back at my side. The air hummed between us, as the sounds of the bunker stirring started up, in what I assumed was the morning rush. Rogue looked out of the cell and looked back at me, before saying, “I have to go. I’ll come back and visit you, but just rest for now. Food will be down for you soon, so be patient. I love you, brother.”</p>
<p>After he had left, I found myself unable to ignore the pain, and let out an annoyed whine. I tried to turn to my right side since only ‘GREED’ marred my right side, but the explosion of pain in my torso stopped me from attempting to move more than a few inches. I had to just lay down and take the pain until I’d hopefully dozed off. Thankfully, my exhaustion from the stress of being marked allowed me to pass out quickly.</p>
<p>_______</p>
<p>The blackness met me as I woke back up to an anonymous peggie applying new bandages to my wounds, and the throbbing hit me with the fresh change of gauze. The smell of some sort of stew my nostrils. The peggie quickly finished his job or wrapping my wounds and grabbed the food wordlessly and began to try to feed me like I was completely incapable. I sure felt like it at the fucking moment. I opened my mouth feeling mortified that a stranger was feeding me.</p>
<p>Or, well, would be a stranger if it weren’t for the fact we were siblings under The Father now. It’s a strange thing to not know a brother, in arms or not. I thought about the connection everyone here hopefully felt with each other, and how maybe one day I would feel it, too. Would it be like the bond I shared with Rogue? The little voice inside me, my intuition, told me no. Very few people in this world had such a connection, from what I guessed.</p>
<p>I was lucky then, even if it led both Rogue and I into the hands of the Seeds.<br/>It seemed like the stew was gone too soon, and I was quickly left alone with my thoughts as the peggie walked out with the dirty bandages and empty bowl. I fell back into a fitful sleep.</p>
<p>____</p>
<p>It was only another few days of rest before I was forced back onto my feet, wobbly and wounded, but standing. The pain was still very much excruciating when I stood up, but it was much more manageable. I could walk. Just how deep did John go with that fucking tattoo gun? The peggie who woke me up and told me to come with her was yet another face I didn’t know. Another face in the crowd. I realized that they must see me as a stranger, too. Even if I was now one of the peggies, I was still an outsider until I carried my own weight, which I hadn’t done since I came to John’s bunker.</p>
<p>I was escorted to another part of the bunker, with security cameras and cigarette smoke hanging in the air. Strange, wasn’t smoking taboo? I looked around and saw what looked to be one of John’s ‘Chosen’ smoking a cigarette, watching me and the other peggie walk by him. Maybe with status came privilege. If that was the case, what privilege did the Seeds themselves have? Deeper into the bunker we wandered, and into a little room that looked to be a makeshift office. </p>
<p>“Sit anywhere, you’re going to be seeing a few of our brothers and sisters in a minute. You’re gonna do what ya did for Jacob’s men for these folk too. John’s orders.” The peggie eyed the empty room and then walked out, leaving me alone.</p>
<p>Ah, so I’d still be doing the same thing I had been doing from the get go? Ensuring the morale was up and evaluating my ‘brothers and sisters’ for any signs of mental disrepair, and to make sure they were treated the way they needed to be.</p>
<p>It was oftentimes that the only thing I could do besides offer Bliss was to talk with them about hope to cope in the moment.</p>
<p>I couldn’t help everyone in the project, but at least I could guide a few of them without the use of Bliss. Breathing exercises reigned supreme, since they didn’t need any extra things to help them through the process. It was hard seeing each person maybe once or twice every few months.</p>
<p>It was routine professionalism the moment the first soul walked in, and it lasted the whole day, writing, talking, writing more, talking with another person, suggesting Bliss to those that had been torn by battle, write it up, lunch, next, next, next. The day was soon over and I was escorted by the peggie who smiled at me the first day back to my cell block. </p>
<p>An entire week passed before I knew it with no news from Rogue or John. There were more than enough people to see in this bunker, but today seemed to be different. No one came to open the cell to take me to any office, no one came in at all, though there was plenty of bustling and whispers from the peggies who walked around. I tried to listen to what they were saying, but it was hard to capture anything with the distance and echoing of the bunker. I grimaced in annoyance, the lack of things to do made me nervous. I wondered if something was wrong.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that Rogue had stopped by with a plain sandwich and some water, which I drank quickly. The look on Rogue’s face was of someone about to break bad news.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” I decided to cut to the chase for once, and see what was going on after a morning of frustration. Rogue sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, patting his legs.</p>
<p>“You’re being assigned to an outpost for now. You’ll be leaving the bunker for the excursion tonight. It’s the Whitetail Park Ranger Station.” Rogue looked at me waiting for my response and to see how I’d react.</p>
<p>“In Jacob’s region?” I raised my eyebrows, a little shocked and mostly uncomfortable. I hadn’t seen Jacob in half a month, and there was no way he was going to be happy that I rejected him only to have his brother convince me so quickly. He was a man of tallys. In your favor, or out. If you had more out of your favor, you weren’t worth much to him aside from whatever your purpose was. I had gained his trust over the year I’d spent working with him, only to have thrown it away. At this point, I’d probably be working from a negative tally back into the positive.</p>
<p>Why his opinion mattered so much worried me, I realized. He had become.. Someone I cared about, despite all of his many sharp edges and his stubborn nature.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Civilian at War</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hailey realizes they're not meant for fighting. Not yet, anyways.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was bright as hell on this early morning when I was guided out of the bunker with my squad of other peggies. I was wearing the traditional white sleeveless shirt with the Eden’s Gate symbol boldly across the front of it and combat pants and boots. I looked around the area, it was wooded, isolated, with a good view of the surrounding woodlands. It was well guarded by more ‘brothers and sisters’ who were all on high alert for any signs of animals or someone getting too close.</p><p>The squad all piled into three separate white trucks with mounted guns, and I nabbed the passenger seat of the second truck. There was no way I was ready to use a damn mounted machine gun on anyone, let alone the thought of my little pistol in my jeep back home. Damn. I should have grabbed it when I had the chance. Not like it would do anything compared to these LMGs, but at least it’d be something I was familiar with.</p><p>As the trucks all started up, I looked out the window and into the beauty that was Hope County. I had moved here for the quiet life away from my past, like many others. Rumors of the cult had already started years before I had come here, but they never deterred me. Maybe they should have, but it was a risk I was eager to take. At the time, I thought it sounded like a little quirk of the county, probably just a commune. Something to spice up the folks living there’s everyday life. The guns they stockpiled at the Veteran’s Center quickly told me otherwise. Rogue had even warned me, back before either of us were involved, that this cult was something to watch out for.</p><p>I should have kept a closer eye on Rogue after that. He was one of the first people in Hope County to be openly kidnapped. His skills as a former bounty hunter and a game hunter must have made him a target. The fact I hadn’t been nabbed before this had to be because Rogue convinced the Seeds I was already working for them, that I didn’t need to be saved yet. What had he done to sway the Seeds?</p><p>A bump in the road brought me out of my thoughts, quickly noting the stench in the air. It made me desperately want to gag. This smell reminded me of John’s confessional. The smell of death. I bit my lip and tried not to inhale too deeply as we hit another bump in the road. I realized the bumps weren’t just bumps, but bodies. Of resistance members.</p><p>I recognized one of them as a patient I had. He was a quiet man with a buzzcut and a habit of biting his nails. His lifeless eyes stared at me right before we ran over his body.</p><p>I threw the door open to vomit. The only thing keeping me in the truck was my seatbelt, thank the Father. The Father had ordered this, surely. I retched again at the thought. The driver patted my back as he slowed down the truck for me. He was a ginger haired man with freckles all across his face. I closed the door and muttered out an, “Sorry about that,” to him and the man on the road.</p><p>The ginger haired man took this moment to speak to me, still alert and looking towards the road and around us. “Ya’re aight. No worries sister. Everyone’s first time is tha’ hardest.” I could only nod as he rubbed my shoulder before going back to holding the steering wheel with both hands. It was comforting, in the sickest ways. I was alive, and I had sold out who knows how many Resistance members.</p><p>I had given them up without a lick of hesitation or guilt. How dare I feel sick now, seeing the results of my actions? It was my fault that there would be more good people dead. ‘They hadn’t told me everything, surely they changed their strategies and meeting spots by now,’ I told myself, over and over as we made our way to the outpost. It was all I could give myself to justify my hideous actions. To keep my ego from cracking, as it were. My Id and Superego were both at war in my head.</p><p>My Superego telling me that I had made a massive, devastating mistake, and my Id being proud of giving good intel to John and Eden’s Gate.</p><p>I, the ego, being the judge of the two sides of myself, tried to agree with my Id, no matter how loud my conscience, my Superego, screamed otherwise.</p><p>The trucks pulled into the outpost smoothly and I was jared from my thoughts by the ginger brother carefully placing a hand on my shoulder again. His other hand was holding an assault rifle. </p><p>“You gonna be aight?” He asked me.</p><p>“In a bit I will be, I’m still.. New to this.” He nodded, as if I had spoken no truer words before.</p><p>“We’ll keep an eye on ya, if ya need anything, let your brothers n’ sisters know, yeh?” He hopped out of the truck and I unbuckled my seatbelt. I’d guess I was the trainee they were all tasked with evaluating me and training me up. That must have been what this lodge was for, seeing as no one had batted an eyelash at my empty hands, no gun or any weapon at all, in sight.</p><p>_____</p><p>I was right that it was a training center, sweat pouring from my face and my sins aching across my skin. I was being drilled in emergency training, over and over and over. Shoot my blank bullets from the assault rifle, run, duck into cover, run, shoot, duck, cover, run shoot, duck, cover. I had been at this for most of the day, sun beating down on my back, and my skin red from sunburn settling into my skin. My sins had started to weep small trickles of blood, the pain pressing me harder into the training with the several other new initiates. </p><p>I was being trained to be a soldier. To beat out the compassion I once had, surely. Jacob must have told John about it.</p><p>______________</p><p> </p><p>I was stationed at the lodge for half a month. I had heard the other initiates yell “Cull the herd!” and “Sacrifice the weak!” so much that I whispered it and dreamt of it in my sleep. It must have been a part of training that Jacob made brothers and sisters endure at some point. I was waiting to learn what those words meant, truly, to the Darwinist Jacob was.</p><p>One night I was awoken to an alarm going off and gunshots, and I jumped out of bed, just like they taught us, and prepared the gun by my bed for battle. I noted that the bullets were real, even if they had only been blanks before tonight. I sprinted to my designated location at a window of the Lodge, and peeked out, just as I had in training. Nothing. No one.</p><p>I ran to the next window, peeked, no visual. Ran, peeked, no visual. The rest of the lodge was scrambling and doing the same thing I was, but their faces were angry in comparison to my stoic expression. What had happened to raise the alarm?</p><p>My stomach dropped at the thought. It must have been a sniper.</p><p>They had to be hidden, and trying to take everyone out from the brush around the outpost.</p><p>I kept my head low and ran to the nearest peggie, asking her, “Where are the bodies? Where did the shots come from?” She shook her head, indicating she didn’t know.</p><p>I bit my lip. If we didn’t find whoever this was soon, we were Fucked. I watched my brothers and sisters, comrades in arms at this point, to see if they would show any signs of where the bodies were, or if they had sights on the perpetrator.</p><p>Another shot rang out, and the woman I was just talking to had been in the head just as she had peeked the window. I watched the blood and brain splatter across the floor, my stomach twisting and my hands shaking.</p><p>Stay calm.</p><p>I’ve trained enough to know the basics. Don’t peek. Whoever this was, they were a good shot and they only needed a split second to kill me. Stay calm. Stay calm.</p><p>The Lodge broke out in a panic as another brother who peeked on the same side of the building was shot. He landed angled to the left compared to the right the woman fell. I was in between the two, and so was the sniper. One of the VIP cult members must have realized the same thing, and ordered everyone to bomb rush the approximate area of the sniper.</p><p>It occurred to me it might be a trap, because who takes on an Eden’s Gate outpost alone?</p><p>I cursed as I ducked out of the view of any windows and listened to my brothers and sisters shooting and yelling. Then, it was silent.</p><p>I heard footsteps thumping across the inside of the lodge, and the sound of more footsteps following. I grimaced. There wasn’t any chatter to indicate who it was. As quietly as I could, I snuck around the footsteps, trying to make sure I didn’t catch their line of sight. The wood under my feet creaked and I flinched. Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck.</p><p>The footsteps ran towards me and I slid under a table, trying to control my shaking and breathing. Could I shoot someone? If they were going to kill me, I had to, right?</p><p>I watched the feet walk towards the table and gulped, aiming my gun. Steady breaths. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.</p><p>The Deputy peaked under the table and I froze.</p><p>Oh god. I violently shook and closed my eyes.</p><p>I dropped my gun and burst into tears.</p><p>I wasn’t a soldier in this war, not yet. I was a civilian. </p><p>And I was going to die a coward.</p><p>The Deputy let out a sigh and I felt a tug on my left ‘PRIDE’ arm. He pulled me out from under the table, and I couldn’t bring myself to stand as I was sobbing so hard my entire body quaked. He patted my back, as if I wasn’t an enemy. As if I wasn’t a Judas to the Resistance. Did he know? Did the Resistance know? Was I going to be taken and tortured by them, just like they did to other peggies?</p><p>Another voice spoke up. “Damn, doc. I haven’t seen you in a hot minute. You’re looking like shit.” I looked up and blinked out my tears at Sharky Boshaw. One of my regular patients before everything went to shit. Ever the positive troublemaker, as usual. I vomited, turning away from the two of them.</p><p>They killed the rest of the outpost but were worried about me. I felt the Deputy pat my back again, as if to say, ‘Get it all out.’</p><p>I took deep breaths, trying to calm the torrent of emotions I was drowning in. It was a few good minutes of me breathing and a third person present finally spoke up.</p><p>“You sure we shouldn’t kill her? Not that I’d suggest that, all things considered since she’s weeping and stuff. But she’s wearing their stuff, buddy.” It was the voice of Hurk Jr., who was unsure of the situation at hand. Sharky and him had played plenty of pranks to land themselves in the Hope County Clinic for me to know their voices by heart.</p><p>It felt like lifetimes ago that I had to evaluate the both of them for any sort of mental conditions. They were just chronic dorks with nothing better to do, I had written.</p><p>And here they were, deliberating what to do with my life. It was really up to the Deputy, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was being put before a judge.</p><p>I was calm enough to stand, and the Deputy raised me to my feet. I whispered a soft, “Thank you.” He nodded, and pulled me with him out of the lodge. Sharky and Hurk both followed, chattering as if they hadn’t watched the Deputy snipe an entire compound of soldiers. </p><p>They brought me to a Cougar’s Van, from the Resistance in Faith’s region, no doubt. I asked the Deputy, “What’s gonna happen now?” I let out a small whimper and bit my tongue, trying to avoid being any more pathetic than I was already behaving. </p><p>The Deputy looked at me with a calculating gaze. For a long moment, his hazel eyes were locked with mine. As if sizing me up, seeing no threat, then debating on taking me as a prisoner. I could feel myself shrink under his eyes. I hadn’t been trained in being captured, like the rest of the Lodge had. I was a therapist. My skill lied in words and psychology.</p><p>The Deputy sighed and scratched his head, and waved at me to, what I assumed, was get in the back of the van, which I quickly did. Sharky sat in the back with me as Hurk got into the driver’s seat and the Deputy took to the passenger seat where he leaned out with his gun.</p><p>The van started up. Gods I wish I could go home, shower, and drive my own fucking self sometime. Being driven by others over and over was starting to wear on my sense of independence. What little there was at this point, having been preached to by my brothers and sisters about doing only what The Father and the Heralds asked of you. The sound of Jacob’s sermons over the past month had lulled me into a sense of discomfort with the idea of working alone.</p><p>It was a pack mentality, I realized.</p><p>It was being drilled into all of us at the Lodge all day, every day. Even in our sleep.</p><p>God, Jacob really was like a fucking shadow in my mind, ever lurking, waiting to strike and change something.</p><p>The image of the dead bodies in the Lodge came to my mind. Dead brothers and sisters, killed by the Deputy with no hesitation. Did it feel good to clean out an outpost with little effort? Was he proud of himself? If so, why not take the chance to make me talk?</p><p>Were they taking me to a place to get information? There was no way in hell I was going to say shit. Not with Rogue having stuck his neck out for me so many times, without even mentioning it to me.</p><p>It was a chatter-filled ride, Sharky and Hurk talking about something or another to fill the air while the Deputy and I both sat in silence. Soon enough, we arrived at a clearing, with nothing but a small concrete square to indicate anything of note in the area.</p><p>The Deputy got out of the Van first, with Sharky and Hurk joining him swiftly. I followed suite, lagging behind the three, looking around the area. Where the hell were we? I felt sweat bead from my head and my throat dry out. This was going to be something, alright. My gut was telling me whatever was about to happen would up the stakes of my being ‘captured’ by the enemy.</p><p>They didn’t realize I joined the cult willingly. I had to make sure it stayed that way, no matter what came next.</p><p>________________</p><p>It turns out that the concrete square was actually a ladder leading to a bunker. Not just any bunker, but the Whitetails headquarters. The one place Jacob had been searching for this entire war. The central focus point of his enemy.</p><p>My enemy.</p><p>I tried not to shake, looking at the people in the bunker. At Wheaty, who I’d had the pleasure of speaking to on the rare occasion since we were so close in age.</p><p>Tammy walked into the war room, pissed as hell and pointed at me. “Give her to me. I’m going to make sure she’s not a spy sent by the damn cult.” Her face was twisted in distrust and anger. Eli waved her off gruffly stating, “If she was one of them, she would have died with the rest by the Deputy’s hands. I trust him to kill her at any moment if she’s really a threat.” I couldn’t speak, the two of them arguing for a good minute about whether even trusting the Deputy to make that choice was a good idea.</p><p>I glanced at the Deputy, and he glanced at me. I couldn’t place what he was thinking, but it had to be about this situation.</p><p>I hoped he wouldn’t kill me.</p><p>I wouldn’t blame him if he did.</p><p>Exhaustion was evident of his face, and I quietly gestured at him to go sit down, muttering a, “Please get some sleep. You need it.” The Deputy gave me a critical look. I put my hands up stating, “If you’re worried I’ll ditch, you can chain our wrists together.” His face became thoughtful, and then a devious smile spread across his face, grabbing a spare set of handcuffs from Eli’s supply and gesturing for me to follow him.</p><p>I was a fucking idiot.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Naming your Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Deputy speaks, and he turns out to be alright.</p>
<p>Oh, and Nightmares are insufferable.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Deputy handcuffed our hands together and he laid down on the couch, getting comfortable. I was stuck on the floor next to him with my hand raised awkwardly next to his resting one. His face was close to mine, and I got a good look at the ever busy man for once. He was suntanned and had sun bleached blonde strands amidst darker brown hair. His eyes had heavy bags under them and his face had a few stress lines, so he was older than I was, but not by much.</p>
<p>He sighed and opened his eyes with an annoyed look. I blinked and looked away, blushing. It was embarrassing to be caught staring, but what else was I supposed to do? I could sleep on the ground beside him, if I honestly trusted him enough not to roll off the couch and squash me. He was a good bit taller and much more muscular, after all.</p>
<p>I huffed and felt the Deputy rub my head. I looked at him bewildered. “Uh, thanks.” I gave him a half smile that felt forced. I took that chance to lay down on the cold ground to try and catch a wink of sleep, if I’d be allowed to.</p>
<p>It was hard to sleep on a.. Well, hard surface. I couldn’t move much with my arm angled as it was towards the Deputy. I realized I didn’t know his name. I don’t think anyone ever used it before, either. They only called him Deputy or Rook, like Whitehorse did. I looked at where our hands were connected by the cuffs.</p>
<p>What was his name?</p>
<p>I gave his hand a squeeze with my own smaller hand. He responded in kind, his bigger calloused hands were bruised and marked by battle. It was quiet, and I realized Sharky and Hurk must have been sleeping somewhere or they’d left some time ago. I hadn’t noticed them leave.</p>
<p>It was an hour before the Deputy had fallen asleep, and with nothing better to do, I tried to rest.</p>
<p>“..nn. No. Hudson. Pratt. Please… Whitehorse.” The Deputy was sleep talking, his voice deep and gravely. I sat up with a huff, and checked him for any signs of stress.</p>
<p>“Please, don’t. Don’t make me..” He whimpered like a child, and I gently patted his shoulder. He didn’t stir, obviously starting to have a nightmare.</p>
<p>I moved to sit on the small space on the couch by his waist, placing both of my hands softly on his face and whispering to him, “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re having a nightmare, my friend. Shhhh, no one will make you do anything you don’t want to do.”</p>
<p>I muttered anything I thought of to calm him down, without trying to wake him up in the middle of the nightmare.</p>
<p>From what I’d seen with a few Vets, it was tricky business waking a sleeping warrior.</p>
<p>I kept whispering to the Deputy, until he started to have tears spring from his eyes. I put my head to his and tried to comfort him. It took almost five minutes to calm him down, and when I opened my eyes, I was met with teared up hazel eyes staring back at me, his eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. I realized the wetness on my face was my own tears. I had started to cry with him.</p>
<p>I tried to pull away to give him space, but he quickly stopped me and held me close.</p>
<p>He was desperate for comfort, and I was desperate too. We held our heads together for a while, quietly weeping. I didn’t know anything about this man in front of me. Not his trials, his pains, his fears, nothing.</p>
<p>I just understood what it was like to not know what the best course of action was, to not want to do something your comrades want you to, and to feel alone in that struggle.</p>
<p>“I know now may not be the best moment,” I whispered and closed my eyes, “but I don’t know your name.”</p>
<p>I felt the Deputy give a wet chuckle, before he led his head to the side to whisper in my ear. I opened my eyes when he spoke, looking away from him with my face red.</p>
<p>“Jude. Jude Lewis.” He gave me a half smile. “It means ‘praised famous warrior’. It’s kinda fittin’, huh?”</p>
<p>“It’s almost scary how it fits. Do you want to talk about what that nightmare was?” I said, soaking in his body heat as we sat together. The cold floor had chilled me to my core, and I was thankful for the warmth.</p>
<p>Jude hummed, with his face turning to one of contemplation. As if he wasn’t sure he should tell me.</p>
<p>“It was.. I was running, I think. To my team, Deputy Hudson, Deputy Pratt, and Sheriff Whitehorse.” He looked up into the nothingness, recalling what he could.</p>
<p>“They were locked in these cells? But it was hazy, and I couldn’t see all of them. Then, I’m not sure how, but I was sitting at a table with the Seeds. We were eating dinner, and Pratt, Hudson, and Whitehorse were all eating with us. It was.. Okay, at first, but then the Marshall appeared and held a gun to Faith Seed, and shot her. He.. He told me to kill Joseph. I was confused, why had he killed her in my dream. I mean, I know they’re horrible people who toture their following, but I- I can’t help but..” Jude started to ramble, as if he couldn’t make sense of why he even had the dream to begin with.</p>
<p>I knew enough about dream meanings from my own hunting, and looked at him quizzically.</p>
<p>“Dining with the Seeds and your team? Usually, it’s a sign of peace and equal footing.” I emphasized the peace. Maybe I could convince him that the war he was fighting was meaningless, if only to nudge him in that direction, without giving myself away.</p>
<p>“The Deputies and Sheriff being locked away could also be your fear of them being unreachable.” I nodded to his hands, “And that you feel like no matter what you do, they’ll be just out of reach, if you don’t find peace with the Seeds.”</p>
<p>“And that, whoever this Marshall is, he’s dangerous.” I looked at him seriously. “Your own subconscious is what directs your dreams, so maybe reflect on why it hit you so hard?” I quirked my head to the side, letting him think on my words.</p>
<p>I was a horrible person for manipulating him, but I wasn’t lying. I was just making sure he thought about the Seeds on a more human level. That was all I could do.</p>
<p>He nodded quietly, and pulled out the keys to the handcuffs. He unlocked the both of us and laid back down, scooting over on the couch so there was a little space.</p>
<p>“Lay down with me, if I look like shit, you look like hell.” He gave a lopsided grin and tugged me onto the couch. He hugged me tight and started to quickly fall back asleep. My face continued to burn at the gall of this guy. Not speaking a word and being serious all the time, but when he did speak, he was a joker and pushy! </p>
<p>I reluctantly relaxed in his arms, and just as quickly asJude, exhaustion overtook me and the darkness claimed me.</p>
<p>_______________________</p>
<p>I found myself sitting in an empty concrete room, with walls made of eyes, pulsating and morphing the supposedly solid stone around them. The chair I was in was a camping chair with the American flag printed on it. I stood up, looking at the floor where a red path laid in front of me. I followed it, as if it was where I was supposed to go. It led me into the forest, the room having faded out. I could hear the howling of wolves and gunshots. I turned towards the noise, only to notice the body of the ginger haired man who had driven me to the Lodge. I continued forward, to see more bodies. The sister and brothers who had their brains blown out by Jude. My patient that the truck ran over. The bodies of the Seeds, of Rogue, of Jude, the Resistance. I continued forward, walking down the red path, leading me to step over all of the bodies that kept seeming to grow.</p>
<p>The end of the path appeared before me, and when I turned to look behind me at the bodies, they were all standing, staring at me. An overwhelming sense of dread and anger took me in, and everything was painted black. The last thing I heard was a booming voice saying, “It will all end soon.”</p>
<p>___</p>
<p>Water was poured on me and I jolted awake, only parts of my dream burning into my mind. “It will all end soon,” and so many bodies. I looked around and found that Jude had dumped water on me, with a concerned look gracing his face.</p>
<p>“What do you mean ‘It’ll all end soon?’” He asked me. I wiped my face, and shrugged.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, but I don’t like it. It felt like a warning more than any dream I’ve had.” I grumbled, disturbed by the first dream I’d had since joining the cult.</p>
<p>“I need a walk, or something. I’d rather not dwell on it right now.” I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to style it into something decent. </p>
<p>I felt like smoking a whole pack of menthol cigarettes. Or drinking a few Long Island Iced Teas. Hell, even a few bowls of Oregano. Anything. All of it.</p>
<p>I just needed a fucking break.</p>
<p>Jude walked with me out of the Whitetail’s base, and into the midmorning sun.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Sacrifice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things go from bad to worse for both Jude and Hailey both.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I surveyed our surroundings now that it was bright out. It was deep southwest of the Moccassin River in the mountains, from the looks of where the sun was rising in the East. I didn’t know exactly where we were, but I could give a general area if I was asked. Which, knowing the location of the base Jacob had long been searching for, I would be asked, if not tortured for it. </p>
<p>The Deputy-- Jude, came with me to walk around the woods. No doubt to both keep an eye on me and to keep me from being ambushed. Tammy had wanted to stop me from leaving any time soon, but Jude had stepped in and convinced her to relax on letting me out for a bit.</p>
<p>I really wanted to see if Jude and I could peacefully visit one of the Seeds.</p>
<p>I doubted it.</p>
<p>Was it worth the risk?</p>
<p>We were walking down a wooded path near the bunker, I was looking at the sky between the branches when Jude stopped in front of me. I bumped into him and stumbled back, watching him as he turned around.</p>
<p>“It was obvious from the moment I saw you yesterday that you’re with them.” He gestured to the healed cross tattoo on my arm, beside my ‘PRIDE.’ I covered the tattoo with my hand, looking anywhere but him.</p>
<p>“I.. I don’t disagree with them when it comes to society. I think the world is about to fall into something horrible, and I’d rather have a place prepared for that with my friends, than to die alone and scared.” I admitted to Jude, frowning. He nodded, with a sad look on his face. As if he cared about my opinion, when we only had but a moment of bonding. Maybe he did. I didn’t want to leave it off on that. Jude seemed to be more of a physical affection type of person than using just words.</p>
<p>I opened my arms to him, my heart aching to let him know that even if we were enemies, I didn’t see him as one. He fell into the hug, tightly wrapping his arms around me. I had so many questions for him. I was sure he had some for me, too. Why was he letting me live? Why was he quiet in front of everyone else but decided to open up to me? Would he change his mind about what the Seeds were doing? Or at least, leave them all in peace?</p>
<p>I couldn’t bear the answers to those questions. I don’t think he’d want to answer them, either. He didn’t ask me any questions. We just held on tightly to each other as if we’d known the other for years.</p>
<p>We were family, in this moment, our hearts beating as one in the unknown of the battlefield and war. It was strange to form bonds so quickly for me, but Jude felt different. Felt like he understood something and had judged me accordingly. What did he see in me?</p>
<p>We parted, and he turned wordlessly away from me, back to the Wolf Den. I took that as my cue to follow him back. I wondered if he’d say anything to Eli or Tammy about my allegiance.<br/>____________________</p>
<p>I spent most of my time in a corner of the Whitetail’s Bunker, away from most of the people. The Deputy, Jude, left me in their care. They weren’t cruel, by any means, but they didn’t trust me. As Jude came and went over the next few days, I was stuck under the watchful eyes of Eli’s men. There was no way of sneaking out of this.</p>
<p>And no one knew I was here.</p>
<p>I could be killed here, and Rogue wouldn’t know. Only the Whitetails and Jude would. Even Hurk and Sharky didn’t come down to the bunker, so they wouldn’t know I was here. Taking up space, a prisoner.</p>
<p>That’s what I felt like. Even back in John’s bunker, locked in a little cell, I didn’t feel trapped like I did now. Nothing to occupy my time, no one to talk to, eyes always on me.</p>
<p>I hated it.</p>
<p>___________________</p>
<p>It had been almost two weeks that I was in the Wolf’s Den, just idly waiting for Jude to come back. It had been a long time since anyone had heard from him. Was he okay?</p>
<p>I had started to whittle my nails down to their stubs, bleeding in places. This wasn’t okay, this wasn’t normal. There was nothing I could do to change the situation. Not now, anyways.</p>
<p>_______</p>
<p>It was the middle of the night, when banging echoed throughout the bunker. The alarms were raised, and chaos broke loose.</p>
<p>What the fuck was happening? I jolted off of the couch I was sleeplessly tossing and turning on, and looked for the source of the noise. That’s when I heard gunshots sound off. I ran to the noise, only to find Jude aiming at Eli.</p>
<p>I moved before I could think and jumped on Jude, but it was too late.</p>
<p>Eli was bleeding out on the floor, lifeless.</p>
<p>Jude was dazed underneath me, struggling to get up.</p>
<p>My only focus was to keep him on the ground.</p>
<p>Tammy and Wheaty had come in, I heard them yelling, but I had no clue what they were saying.</p>
<p>Jude. Jude. Jude had killed Eli.</p>
<p>By the looks of it, he was blissed out.</p>
<p>Was this the brainwashing that Tammy had talked about?</p>
<p>Was this Jacob’s doing?</p>
<p>I was thrown off of Jude as he stood up, finally becoming aware of his surroundings. He looked at Eli, seemingly off, as if someone was speaking to him that we couldn't hear.</p>
<p>Wheaty pointed a gun at Jude, tears streaking his face as he yelled at him. Jude looked mortified, realizing what was going on, what he had done. What he was made to do. He looked at his hands, his eyes welling with tears.</p>
<p>Tammy yelled at him, and I scrambled off the floor. They looked at me, anger in their eyes. “Go with him and make sure he kills that bastard Jacob! If either of you come back and Jacob is alive, I’m going to hunt you both down myself!” Tammy threatened with a level of seriousness that gave me an itch to reach for something to protect myself.</p>
<p>Instead, I was pulled out of the bunker by Jude, into a heavily blissed woods. I tried to hold my breath, but it was too late, I was pulled into the bliss.</p>
<p>The sky was glowing white, and the trees burst into pale ashes all around us, like a nuclear fallout. It covered the ground in all greys. There was a red path partially hidden by the ashes. What the fuck was this? Was this what Jude was seeing, too? By the looks of it, Jude was seeing something much more chaotic. I’d have to ask him later, now wasn’t the time. Towers, with a song Jacob often whispered, were playing and echoing across the land. Jude had pulled out his rifle and began shooting the Beacons as if possessed by the bliss. He shot the corpses of dogs that the nuclear ash had flown away from.</p>
<p>Surely, whatever he was seeing, it wasn’t as quiet as the deadly fallout I had found myself in. </p>
<p>I ran with him, both of us seemingly following the path. I was unarmed and had to hide each time he came across whatever it was he saw. I only saw corpses of people and dogs. A voice cut through the silence and caused me to freeze as it echoed around me.</p>
<p>“What the hell are you doing here?” The voice could only belong to one person.</p>
<p>Jacob.</p>
<p>“Have they kept you locked up like a dog?” He inquired, his voice coming from all around the valley, softened from the fallout.</p>
<p>“Eli is dead. He was weak, he was selfish. And he took what belongs to Joseph.” He continued. Jude had the look of fury on his face, and I assumed Jacob was saying something else to him. Something much more insidious.</p>
<p>Even in the freedom of this bliss and in the snow-like ash, with a song of love echoing, Jacob was getting to Jude. Jude snarled as I heard Jacob speak again.</p>
<p>“You’re weak. You always have been. Now’s the time to prove that you can be more than that. Kill him.” I looked at Jude, and realized what he had meant. He wanted me to kill Jude.</p>
<p>I felt myself falter, and looked at where Jude was shooting, my mid racing.</p>
<p>He was shooting himself, now.</p>
<p>Over and over, the two of us continued to the next beacon. He shot each Jude he saw, with a furious look on his face. If he was killing himself, shouldn’t I do something to help him?</p>
<p>Surely there was a better way than to kill himself, I thought. I grabbed his hands and forced him to look at me, ashes falling on his face like snow.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to do this!” I whispered to him. “You don’t have to kill yourself for him!”</p>
<p>He stared at me like he didn’t know who I was. Then, he hit me to the ground.</p>
<p>I realized he hadn’t paid me any attention this entire time.</p>
<p>What did I look like to him?</p>
<p>Who was I in his eyes?</p>
<p>He aimed his pistol at me.</p>
<p>Jude pulled the trigger, I kicked the gun just in time to throw his aim off.</p>
<p>It was still, the sound of ‘Only You’ was the only thing I could hear outside of the ringing of the gunshot.</p>
<p>I looked down to see my upper right shoulder bleeding.</p>
<p>I was shocked, numb, and I looked back up to Jude.</p>
<p>His eyes were wide with shock.</p>
<p>“No, no, no, not again oh god. Please don’t be like Eli.” He dropped to his knees beside me, and the pain washed over me.</p>
<p>My shoulder! Oh god, he shot me! I reached behind me with my left arm to see if there was a bullet hole in the back of my shoulder, but pain crackled across my body. Jude saw what I was doing and carefully turned my on my left side as I screamed at the pain of the movement. </p>
<p>“Oh thank god, it went through!” He cried. Footsteps beat softly against the snow, getting closer. There were more of him. More of Jude. I pulled the pistol from Jude’s hip, and with my one good arm, I started to shoot the Judes, each recoil shooting pain into my right shoulder, but I metaphorically bit the bullet. Jacob wanted me to kill him, right? The one real Jude looked around us and pulled his rifle back out, shooting other Judes.</p>
<p>I heard Jacob speak up again, impatient, “Weak. Kill him. Cull the herd.”</p>
<p>I clicked my tongue and rose to my feet wobbling, my right arm uselessly swaying as I shot more Judes.</p>
<p>“I’m fucking killing him!” I yelled out to the air. Jude seemed to look at me confused, but the dawning realization that Jacob must’ve been talking to me crossed his face. The look of anger on his face became feral.</p>
<p>“You bastard!” He screamed, and we both looked up at the sound of Jacob’s laughter.</p>
<p>“You finally speak up,” Jacob hummed, “Meat, you think I’m scared to die?” He went on, speaking to Jude, and I stared at the still Judes now multiplying around us. It was like an ocean of the Deputy, the more of him there were, the less defined their faces were.</p>
<p>I turned the real Jude, panting, only to stumble backwards in shock. He had no face.</p>
<p>I turned to look for the real Jude, and all of them were faceless corpses standing around me.</p>
<p>I let out an ear piercing howl of terror. Oh god, where was he? Where was Jude? I began shooting different faceless corpses, all of them fading away after one shot turning into ashes, only to be replaced by another Jude just as quickly. I ran out of bullets before I could make a clearing, and started to hit them with pistols, frantically.</p>
<p>I was grabbed by one of the Judes and I tried to pistol whip him, but he was too strong and I only had one arm functioning. He knocked me to the ground, hushing me with his faceless corpse groaning. He put his forehead to mine as I started to hyperventilate.</p>
<p>I shut my eyes in fear, only to have the sound of Jude hushing me slowly come into focus. I opened my eyes to find him with a bleeding temple and a look of concentration on his face, as if he was trying to focus on something.</p>
<p>“Jude, Jude get off. I’m back! I’m back!” I cried out. He lifted me to my feet, and the world was red with fires bursting from the ashes. There were no longer any Judes surrounding me, but Jacobs in the distance.</p>
<p>Jude began shooting them, and I felt my mouth dry and my head proceeded to get more dizzy. This had to end quickly, if I wanted to stop Jacob and Jude both from dying.</p>
<p>Jude started running for the final beacon and I followed closely behind. He shot it with passion, and smoke from the fires grew and overtook the two of us.</p>
<p>_______________________________________</p>
<p>The first thing I noticed was the early morning coolness on my hot skin. The sky was beginning to brighten into the blue hour. The sound of gunshots were not too far away. Had I passed out? I looked around for Jude. I spotted him shooting at my brothers and sister and my throat closed up. The bliss infused nightmare was real. Jacob was here somewhere. He and Jude both intended to kill or be killed here. </p>
<p>The part of me screaming to kill Jude ached in my shoulder, but the part of me that wanted to kill Jacob rang in my head. The part that selfishly didn’t want either of them to die pulled me from my pounding chest to move forward. I forced myself to get off of the ground, for the upteenth time in the past few months. Oh dear Father, I had really gotten myself into some shit by moving to this fucking county.</p>
<p>I stumbled my way up the rocks careful to avoid knocking my right arm against anything. I doubted I’d get out of this with both of my arms fully recovered.</p>
<p>I yelled for Jude, drawing the attention of him and a few of my brothers and sisters, the latter of which looked to be confused on if they should shoot me too.</p>
<p>Jude shot them first, and continued forward, yelling back at me, “Stay back! I’m finishing this!”</p>
<p>I cried out immediately, “No! Please no, don’t do this!” I began to weep, my strength weakening. I began to run in a haphazard zigzag, with little control of my body, but I pushed forward. My sight was blurry, but I had made it to where Jude was. I grabbed him with my one good arm, sobbing.</p>
<p>He shook me off and his form seemed to be glaring at me.</p>
<p>Jude took off running to the top of the hill, where Jacob was.</p>
<p>I tried to keep up, but I could hardly powerwalk.</p>
<p>When I finally made it to the top, it looked like the two of them were arguing, and a bloody Jude had started to aim at unscathed Jacob.</p>
<p>Just like I had for Eli, I tried to tackle Jude in time.</p>
<p>The shot rang loud, with the pain in my arm and heart making me yell, but no sound came out. I was on top of Jude, and I punched his lights out with one good hit of my fist.</p>
<p>I couldn’t stand his hazel eyes right now, not that I could make them out in the blurriness of my sight. I was only going to be awake for a little longer, feeling the corners of my vision darken.</p>
<p>I looked to the haze of Jacob and where he stood. He hadn’t stumbled, and I saw no red pour from him. </p>
<p>I had made it in time, I thought. Jacob was saying something with anger, but I couldn’t make sense of it. I lied down on top of Jude and passed out into the dark. I prayed Jacob wouldn’t kill Jude while I slept.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Void</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Endless thought swirl.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was swimming in the black, in and out of the lights. I couldn’t feel my body. I was cold, colder than I had ever been. I could barely think, just sitting, aware of the freezing void.</p>
<p>Was this what death was? I had bled out and died, and this was the afterlife.</p>
<p>It felt like the TV of my life had turned off. That the static noise of my pulse and breathing had ceased. There was the deafening singularity of a dirge playing. The one that had played during one of the worst moments of my life.</p>
<p>It reminded me of the DMT trip, again. Except I had really died.</p>
<p>I was dead.</p>
<p>I was dead.</p>
<p>Dead.</p>
<p>Dead.</p>
<p>Lifeless.</p>
<p>My body, a corpse.</p>
<p>Like all the others I had seen.</p>
<p>The corpses I had caused through speaking.</p>
<p>My mind and mouth were as deadly as Jude’s gun, I realized.</p>
<p>In the ice of the infinite night, I accepted that I was a murderer.</p>
<p>That I had killed people.</p>
<p>I had saved a few, but only selfishly.</p>
<p>For my own ease of mind.</p>
<p>So I could be proud of ‘saving’ others.</p>
<p>I was dead, a body of the war.</p>
<p>I couldn’t do anything now.</p>
<p>I had to accept that I was dead.</p>
<p>It was clear.</p>
<p>I had lived my life for others, but I died alone.</p>
<p>I was alone.</p>
<p>Alone.</p>
<p>The cold became as heavy and iron shackles.</p>
<p>Surely, I was in hell.</p>
<p>I tried to let go.<br/>I was dead, and that was okay.</p>
<p>I had died of blood loss, surely.</p>
<p>I wanted to fight back and live even still.</p>
<p>I knew it was too late.</p>
<p>There was no turning around once you had crossed to the other side.</p>
<p>A bright light appeared before me.</p>
<p>I was dead, with no body of my own, and the “I’ that I had been was gone.</p>
<p>I focused on the light.</p>
<p>And woke up for the first time in my life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Burning Alive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Eyes Wide Open, now.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was hot, hotter than anything I had ever experienced.</p><p>I was fully aware of my body, of the pain eating my pulse and the deafening noise of my sobbing. </p><p>Of my pulse. My breathing, labored.</p><p>I was alive.</p><p>I was alive and I was in pain and that’s all there was.</p><p>Living was suffering.</p><p>My arm burned.</p><p>I couldn’t feel my right arm past the fire in my shoulder.</p><p>Everything about living was so loud, as if the TV was at max volume.</p><p>The sounds of life around me pounded in my head.</p><p>I couldn’t move, my body shackled, leadened by the weight of flesh.</p><p>I was weak.</p><p>Alone, I was nothing.</p><p>I was weak and alone.</p><p>My body was a tool for me to use, but it was useless.</p><p>I was a tool to be used, but I was useless.</p><p>There was no chance of me becoming stronger than death itself.</p><p>I was thirsty, more thirsty than I had ever been in my life. </p><p>My throat ached when I swallowed.</p><p>Alive.</p><p>Alive.</p><p>I had a body again.</p><p>It hurt.</p><p>My thoughts were swirling, as if on a repeating record.</p><p>Alive. Scratch in the record. Alive. Scratch. Alive. Scratch.</p><p>I felt myself let go of the part of me that had died.</p><p>The part that lived for others selfishly.</p><p>I felt a steel inside my heart. The wall that had kept me from breaking after the Trip was back. It was cracked, broken in places.</p><p>I took a hammer to it. To my very being.</p><p>I was standing in the rubble of my mind.</p><p>I was.. Free.</p><p>Death wasn’t the worst thing.</p><p>Living was.</p><p>I opened my eyes to be met with a ceiling, and heavy vertigo.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Wake Up Call</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hailey wakes up and has an absolute fit. Much to the entertainment and surprise of thre</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There was bustling around me, an IV in my left arm. Buzzing from monitors.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Whoever had me in their clutches would be met with a surprise. Once I recovered, I was going to beat sense into everyone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Resistance was full of self-righteous bastards, and The Project of Eden’s Gate was no different.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They were at war for opinions, and I was tired of it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I had died in the name of stopping them. But I was given a second chance to change things.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If it was the Father who prayed for my awakening, then he would get it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My eyes were wide open.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The red path in front of me was cleared of bodies and the nuclear snow had been wiped from the path.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I realized I was broken now. The therapist in myself told me I was in shock and that I shouldn’t do anything extreme.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was the voice of my old life, the life of a coward and manipulator.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was no one in the room. I assumed I was in the Veteran’s Center due to the walls being scrawled with the words of Jacob, and the familiar smell and barking of Judges.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was in for it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So was Jude.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The both of them had to get their shit in check, and I was marking off my to-do list.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I looked at my numb right arm. I felt my breath hitch, seeing nothing but a wrapped stump of a shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was <em>gone</em>. They had amputated it.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span> I really must have died, or nearly died, of blood loss and nerve and/or artery damage caused by the bullet. Plus the lack of immediate attention. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I looked out the window into the evening mists around the Veteran’s Center. I would wait, recover, and then confront Jude and Jacob about what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>actual fuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>just happened. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Jacob hadn’t killed Jude in my medicated state. How long was I out for?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I moved to sit up, the medicine pumping in me kept the throbbing in my shoulder from getting any worse than it already was. It occurred to me that I had lost ‘GREED’. It was a sign, surely.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I looked around the room, waiting for someone to just walk in and tell me everything I wanted to know.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But nobody came.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sat in my mind’s silence as the night fell. It was quieter than during the day, but the howling of the Judges reminded me that there were others in this lonely world. The full moon was my only friend at that moment. I licked my dry lips, thankful for the IV giving me whatever the hell was in it to keep me hydrated and numbed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I stared at the moon as it crossed the night sky, occasionally looking at the stub where my arm used to be.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt like a broken toy, only kept because of sentimental value. I grew angrier with each glance at my arm, until the morning sun dawned the sky. It brought me to tears. My arm and heart had been shattered, and I was still alive. It was so much. Everything I felt was transient, the only thing to ever be consistent, was death. I have learned it well and good twice now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Memento Mori, as was said time and time again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In a way, it felt empowering.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Remember death, and live until you achieve it. Do all that you can to fill your days with no regrets so that when death does come, you embrace it as a friend, to ease the suffering you have endured. Even if the afterlife was cold and bare, it was.. Freeing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I rolled the thoughts of mortality in my mouth like a fine wine until the door opened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a nameless brother with whites in his hair. He froze, seeing that I was awake, and turned from the room immediately.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I waited patiently for him to come back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was back not five minutes later, with Jacob, Rogue, and shockingly even Jude, following him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I watched all of their reactions.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rogue was holding himself back from weeping and holding me. I felt the same for him, wanting to cry into his arms about the loss of my arm, the loss of the life I had taken for granted. And of how lucky I was to be given a second chance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude looked beaten and bruised, but he wore an expression of pride and glee at seeing me sitting up. He was wearing shackles, but no one in the room seemed to care that he was here. I hoped he wouldn’t continue his war path.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob was.. Well. His eyes were shining in the sun, emphasizing the blue irises he and his family shared, but they were watchful, observing, analyzing. I watched him back, sizing him up with new eyes. His posture was carefully poised to look casual, but it was obvious he was prepared for action at the drop of a hat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rogue spoke first, breaking the tense air with a, “Thank the Father you’re awake! When Jacob called John, telling him you were dying--. I- I was terrified. I didn’t know what I’d do if I lost you, you bastard! Jacob called all of the Seeds and told us what had happened. How you stopped the Deputy from killing Jacob, how you had fought and been trapped in the Whitetail’s base, everything. The fact we were able to capture,” he looked to Jude mid-gesture and rephrased himself, “The fact the Deputy didn’t put up a fight on letting us bring him home, was because we have you to thank.” He smiled with tears in his eyes, as if to say, ‘You’ve done the impossible.’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt like I had sacrificed myself for that impossibility. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude nodded, with a half smile that only just touched his eyes. “Yeah. They weren’t going to save you unless I accepted the deal they gave me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I gripped the sheets with my only hand.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude continued, watching my reaction, “They promised to make sure you lived, if I came with them willingly. Didn’t stop them from caging or shackling me, though.” He gave Jacob a side eye with a pissed off expression. I didn’t blame him, Jacob was a bastard when he could be.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You fulfilled your purpose, Meat.” Jacob glared at Jude. “You,” Jacob looked me in the eyes, making me feel like I was being pulled into the shadows, “didn’t do what I ordered you to.” Jacob sat on the bed I was occupying, forcing me to curl my legs to avoid touching him, which he noted. He patted my leg anyways. “You were weak. But you served your purpose.” He gave a gravely chuckle, as if it was a joke, and Jude looked ready to tear the smile off Jacob’s face. Jacob ignored him and was about to continue when I cut off the chatter.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly and truly, all of you? I’m not feeling the small talk and praises. I just want to get some things straight.” I waved my one arm at all of them. “I’ve been awake all night, and I’m not in the mood for any of this shit. I appreciate my life being saved and the sacrifice that took,” I looked to Rogue and Jude. “But right now, I don’t want to hear about it. I lost my fucking arm, I lost my old life, and I’m not about to listen to you,” I pointed to Jacob, who had started to grin at my outburst, “tell me jack shit about purpose or being weak. I saved your ass, regardless of if you were willing to die or not. The same goes for you,” I turned to Jude continuing my rant, “You didn’t listen to me when I told you to fucking stop, and what did you get? Imprisoned!” Jude winced, shocked that I had started to yell at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because what’s the point of living if the people I tried to help are absolutely fucking idiots with no sense of self-presevation?!” I growled, shoving my face into my hand.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Joseph should’ve smacked you two upside the head.” I groaned.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I really did fucking almost die because of these two buffoons.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt a pat on my head and looked up with the one eye I couldn’t cover, seeing Jacob chuckling at my expense and he rubbed my head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re finally letting that spitfire out, now that you’ve gotten a taste of death, hm?” Jacob hummed, having understood what it was like.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I let out a loud, long sigh. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t patronize me, Jacob.” I lightly swatted his hand away and he gave out another laugh.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Glad to see you’re alright, Hailey.” Jacob got off of the bed and walked to the door. “John and Faith are waiting to hear the good news that you’re still kicking. I’ll let them know.” He closed the door behind him, the brother who had brought the trio in following him. I felt my face burning, hearing him call me by my name after so long of not even speaking to him. He really did have a way of getting under your skin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rogue coughed, and I looked up at his grinning, knowing face. “Joseph had wanted to come and visit you, but he sent me instead, since he had to stay behind and manage Faith’s and John’s regions while they stopped by to see you.” He waved his hands and sat where Jacob was moments before. Jude decided to sit on the opposite side of the bed, mirroring Rogue. It was a breath of fresh air to have the two of them safely in front of me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We spoke about what I had missed while I was out cold, and what might happen next. Jude admitted to Rogue and I, “I.. after seeing you almost die, and that you were willing to die for the Seeds..” Jude made a face I couldn’t decipher. “I decided to stop fighting. Not that I’ll stop trying to sway the Seeds to less drastic measures than the buttload of shit they’re doing now, of course.” Jude gave a shrug, like the fight was pulled from him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rogue chimed in, “I don’t blame you. When the Seeds want someone, or something, they don’t stop. It’s terrifying being the object of their desires, in many ways.” Rogue reflected on the time he had spent up until now, how he was gathered like cattle and forced to join, forced to be in close quarters with John. Until he started to enjoy it, and he began to love the Seed. He had told me of those times in quiet moments he could visit me at my old home while on his rounds.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude and him both seemed to lean against the other, as if they had also bonded while I was out cold. It filled me with a warmth, gratitude welling up in my chest at the thought of the two of them getting along and helping each other out. I still couldn’t believe that Jude had given in to the Seeds just for my life. Maybe the connection I had formed with Rogue was similar to the connection I had to him. It wouldn’t be surprising at this point.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was something divine about the bonds of Family, blood or not. I realized we were a trio, just like the Seeds. Faith had been interchangeable to Joseph from the reports I’d heard of, but not his brothers. All the Faiths had gotten the short end of the stick. Joseph, John, and Jacob were all connected by fates higher than themselves, if felt like... the holy trinity, except there were two trinities now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a strange but comforting thought in a way.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Terror Trips and More Betrayal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warnings for an absolutely major panic attack that mimics a Terror Trip. And for attempted murder. Oh, uh, and smoking?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(I'm sorry if this isn't exactly a fantastic chapter, I had a panic attack writing it hahaha. Don't do drugs unless you have trip sitters to help you, my friends.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes at the mock wounded look on John’s face at the proclamation that I wouldn’t be going back to his bunker any time soon. He had brought someone by the name of Hudson, a vaguely familiar name, with him. Even Faith had brought a blissed out man by the name of Marshall. John had mentioned that Jacob was bringing Staci, too. It was an overload of people, but Jude looked like he had cried, so I assumed they were the ones he was fighting for,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wondered what the Seeds planned to do with them exactly, now that Jude had given up. I knew they wouldn’t be freed. Only brainwashed into joining the Project. That was the only fate aside from Death awaiting anyone in the hands of Eden’s Gate. I wasn’t foolish enough to hope otherwise.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I watched as everyone filtered into the small room crowding it in what seemed to be a mock party. Jude was watching two two new faces, Hudson and Staci, though only Husdon was shackled. Staci quietly stood behind Jacob, while Hudson looked to be angrily crying, still struggling in her chains.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I ignored her frustrated and furious words, thrown at both Jude and the Seeds. She was scared, but I couldn’t muster any feelings for her. It was like I was watching myself not react. I observed that I must have lacked empathy, and that it should be wrong to feel nothing for the wounded woman chained in front of me, but as much as I tried..</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Nothing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just acknowledgement of her situation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was an ominous note in my psyche.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I turned my attention away from her and back to Staci, who was still silently avoiding any attention. He was beaten badly, and he had adorned a leather collar. This was the man tortured by Jacob, treated like a dog. I almost pitied him, but again, nothing came through for him. He was alive, which was the only thing that really mattered. Hudson and him, both, really. Jude could convince both him and the woman Hudson to repent and be absolved, if Jude was willing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob might have to break in both Jude and Hudson, if anyone wanted to get shit moving.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The thought of what Jacob would do to them stirred in my mind. I was still numb, probably in shock on some level. That’d make sense as to why I couldn’t feel anything for the poor bastards in front of me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If it wasn’t that I had fundamentally changed, I noted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was pulled out of that train of thought by Rogue patting my leg. He looked at me concerned, and I realized I had been caught staring at the two prisoners.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked at him and asked, “Sorry, what are we talking about?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John spoke up with a charming grin, “I think everyone is more interested in what </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> were thinking about, with that expression on your face.” John pointed to his own face as if to signal what he was saying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Face? I wasn’t making a face.” I looked at John with my eyebrows raised.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you kinda were.” Rogue admitted, and I turned to him with a look of betrayal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not you, too.” I lamented sarcastically. “What sort of face was it?” I looked to Rogue, opting for his opinion over John’s, to John’s obvious chagrin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It.. sortaaa.. looked like you wanted to choke them.” Rogue gave a little ‘here nor there’ hand wave, and left it at that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I rubbed my head with my only arm with a frown. “Well, not that I’m in the best of places to say this, but I was just thinking of what the Seeds,” I gestured towards the two currently present, “would be doing with them.” I pointed to Hudson, Staci, and even Jude. “If anything, I thought about handing them to Jacob to break and convert, if possible.” It dawned on me what I had just said. It was fucked up, I realized, what my thoughts were. John whistled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude jumped up, still in shackles, and shouted, “Hell no! Don’t you fucking dare suggest that! You think I did this only for them to be tortured by that sick fuck?! I thought you were different from them!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I watched him, mouth forming a small ‘o’. John had started to laugh, and Faith blinked as if innocent of any wrongdoing. The Marshall was smiling behind her, still blissed out of his mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you want them to live, Jude, that’s the best bet.” I frowned at him, “Otherwise I’m sure they’re dead. You too, honestly.” I looked away from him. It was what I thought was the truth at this point. The Seeds hand us all in their palms like play things at this point.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No sense in pretending it wasn’t true.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude jumped at me with a yell and anger in his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I recoiled and rolled to the side, out of the bed and onto the floor as quickly as possible. It happened so quickly, he was on top of me, yelling and had wrapped his hands around my throat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John and Rogue scrambled to remove his hands and get Jude off of me, but Jude wouldn’t budge. Faith had ran out of the room by now, undoubtedly calling for arms, or Jacob. There was a lot of screaming and nails at my throat. Jude had tears in his eyes, and he gripped my throat with a fury reserved only for the Seeds. Hudson had wrapped her shackles around John’s throat and pulled him off of Jude.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I blacked out within seconds, but found myself aware in moments more. Staci started murmuring in the corner about choking. It was so clear to me, even with everyone yelling over him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The fact death was quick with choking. Jude would destroy my windpipe or cut off blood to my brain. I blacked out for another handful of seconds, despite trying to get some form of oxygen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I swam back into consciousness with Jude thrown off of me by Rogue and Jacob. John had taken his own pistol out and whipped Hudson to the ground with it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I gasped for air and coughed, my throat killing me and my shoulder aching from the fall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I saw a glint of metal in Jacob’s hand, and the three men ushered Jude and Hudson out of the room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sat on the floor, gasping. The IV had been removed from my arm in the fall, and blood was leaking out of my arm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘I deserved that,’ I thought. Jude had felt betrayed, but I was only looking at it from a survival standpoint. I realized it was definitely not what anyone wanted to hear in their situation. I had come across like any of the Seeds would, stubborn, well thought out, but cruel in said thought process.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Faith had sat beside me and held my arm, wrapping it with a gauze. It seemed like death was ever present. ‘No one could avoid Death’ rang in my head. Even as I had escaped yet another death, I felt the swimming blackness of the afterlife in the back of my head. It was behind me at every moment. Surely, it was like that for everyone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Faith helped me back onto the bed, and Marshall continued to just watch everything.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>I wished for the Bliss that he had.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It would be better than cracking at my seams and breaking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Faith looked at me as if she saw what I was thinking.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“If you want the bliss, I’ll give it to you. Just relax, I’ll get it for you.” She whispered comfortingly. I was about to nod, when I thought better of it. I was starting to become used to injury at this point, it seemed. Since the moment I joined Eden’s Gate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Was this my test, like The Book of Joseph had said? That all I was experiencing was my test, everything I was enduring was my.. Trial?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wished for Joseph to give me the answers I craved. To give my suffering a reason. A purpose. Jacob crawled into my mind, as if he was waiting for me to give him the opportunity to get into my head permanently. Just like he had when I rejected his offer to join Eden’s Gate. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>______</span>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hailey, I have an offer for you.” Jacob had started. “One that you really shouldn’t refuse.” He nodded harshly at me, as if we hadn’t just been joking about my work as a therapist being useless on him. He looked me in the eyes with his pale blues, “Join Eden’s Gate. The Reaping has begun, and I can’t guarantee you a safe pass. No, you’d be quick to go, with how damn weak you are.” I raised my eyebrow at him quizzically. He’d said things like this before, but never directly asked me to join his cult.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I shook my head at him, thinking of my job, “I have work to do for both you and the Resistance. I’m a neutral party in this, I don’t want to risk my job on the chance the world will end.” Jacob grimaced at my statement, and continued to try and convince me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You already know America is going to collapse. You’re not stupid, you’ve seen where we’re headed as a nation.” He persisted, grabbing my shoulders to pull me closer, jostling me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know how far we’ve fallen as a people. You know,” he emphasized, “that we’re on the brink of a third world war. It would be a death sentence to not be ready for it.” He was right, and I knew it in my heart, even then. But I couldn’t accept that, at the time. No, instead, I pulled myself away from him, and turned to leave the Veteran’s Center.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I felt a tug at my belt loop, and looked over to the serious face of Jacob. I knew he didn’t want me to walk away, but he didn’t have the words to ask me. His finger through my belt loop felt like a tether to this world. A world which would survive the end all else, a world where I, a young therapist, was more than just a therapist. I was a light, a healer, and savior to the people of Eden’s Gate.I would be a comfort and an understanding ear to listen to all the voices, like Faith but no Bliss to sweeten my words. Jacob started to say, “Hailey, you don’t have to-” but I interrupted him.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“I do have to, Jacob. I do. I have a responsibility to everyone in Hope County to help them.” My voice wavered over his name, but my voice strengthened as I pulled away from his fingers, his hands, from him. There were more people in Hope County than just Eden’s Gate. The Resistance needed you just as much as Jacob and the rest did. In this war, I was supposed to be neutral, a mediator, a balancer. Someone who could do something to ease the fighting and maybe, just maybe, help someone stop this chaos.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>_____________________</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>I still hadn’t changed my hope of stopping the chaos, but now I could do it from the inside, and I had changed the game by stopping Jude. The Resistance had lost one of it’s most powerful players, and Jude would be kept under lock and key now. Hudson, too. I thought about how stupid I was to reject Jacob, in one of the few moments we had time to speak. A twisted man he was, but he was right then, just like John was right about my own personal life and job. It might’ve made Jacob jealous, if he were the jealous type. I laid back on the bed, exhausted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Faith came back in and smiled softly, holding a powder in her hand. I watched her approach me, and as she sat down beside me on the bed, she whispered, “I know you’ve had a hard time adjusting to life inside Eden’s Gate,” She gave an airy laugh, “I did too. But look at what you’ve done. You’ve gifted The Father with the Deputy and he came willingly, no less! He’s surely grateful to you. I’m sure he will come to you, in time. For now,” Faith blew the powder into my face, and I breathed in sharply, shocked, “enjoy the bliss..” She blurred into stars and I looked up at the ceiling, feeling myself relax, finally.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The tension that had so tightly wrapped itself inside of me uncoiled with the glowing of stars patterning the ceiling. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes, hopeful for a nice dream.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>_____________</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>I was in a field of flowers, in a fresh, silky dress with flowers patterning the flowing skirt. I smiled, seeing Faith sitting with me. She was in her own dress, and she started to place flowers in my hair. I reached up to her face with my one hand, joyfully noting it was my left and that I could still draw since I’d only lost my right arm, and cupped her cheek. Butterflies flew around us, and I looked around us. Jacob was here! So was Rogue and John, all of them relaxed, and I settled deeper in the flowers. Faith gestured all of them closer saying, “She’s found the bliss she needs. We can sit with her while she has a wonderful dream.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I laughed, “Of course this is a wonderful dream. Rogue is here!” I waved at him enthusiastically, and he chuckled. I looked to Jacob and John, “And so are they, even if they aren’t always great to be around.” I muttered childishly, and John snorted. Jacob shook his head with a wry grin, as if in on a joke I wasn’t privy to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What? It’s not like I’m lying.” I huffed, then went on, “None of us are the best people, you know? I mean!” I gestured to my neck with a laugh, “I deserved to get choked out!” I continued to laugh, not noticing the shadows that passed over everyone else’s faces. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Besides,” I hummed, “I was honest about it!” I smiled at Faith, who smiled back, though it didn’t touch her eyes. I watched as a few flowers grew red, and my eyes widened. I looked on as more and more flowers bloomed a bright red in what looked like a path.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Out of everyone with me, no one saw it! Except me! It reminded me of the red path I saw with Jude, and the red path from the nightmare I had what felt like forever ago.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Were they all the same path? I looked at Faith, “Faith, what’s up with the red path? I keep seeing it. It’s really starting to give me bad vibes.” I frowned, seeing the flowers melt into red mud. I tensed up. “Faith, Faith! They’re melting! Oh god, the flowers are melting!” Terror filled my heart and heard the dirge playing again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh god! Faith! Rogue! Jacob! I’m dying!” I cried out, watching a nuclear explosion in the distance. “Oh god, the bombs, Faith. The bombs are coming!” I looked down at my body, watching it melt away.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>I screamed bloody murder. I was alone and no one was here, they were all dead and I was dying, again and again and again and again. The nuclear explosion destroyed all the flowers, the only thing remaining was the red path.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt myself lurch forward onto the path, as if possessed. Without a body, it was hard to move, but I numbly found myself going forward with all of my willpower.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Faith! Rogue! John? Jacob?!” I looked for them, suddenly surrounded by nuclear fallout once again. Just like with Jude. I moved faster, following the red path, screaming.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bliss wasn’t supposed to be like this!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was supposed to make you feel good!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why? Why was it that everything brought me back to this damned red path?!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I pushed onward, towards the music that seemed to be at the end of the path.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was my death march, I knew it. I thought death would be a friend, but it was just a ruse. God had wanted everyone to die, surely. I felt it in my very being, that He was waiting for the end just as Joseph was. I felt fury wash over me, and the path turned into a river, and I sank to the bottom with no body to help me float.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was furious, and could do nothing. I screamed at the bottom of the river, not stopping until my throat was coarse and I could feel my body again. I was kicking and screaming and being held in the air by someone and I couldn’t stop screaming at God to fucking stop reminding me that everything was going to end!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“For Fuck’s sake, Faith! You shouldn’t have given her the Bliss!” A familiar voice screamed. My body disappeared again and I was awash in the red river again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Anger left me, and the feeling of helplessness consumed me. There was no point in fighting it, just like any death, it was the end. Regardless of the soul I knew I had, my body was what kept me on Earth! Was what kept everyone here! It was pointless to fight if I didn’t have one. It was pointless to fight if my body was dead. It broke me, again. The dirge was louder than ever.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, please look at me Hailey. It’s okay, we’re here.” I saw Rogue in the red river, but he wasn’t drowning. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Rogue! Rogue please help me! My body is gone!” I cried out.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Rogue was crying too, and I was sure I had killed him, just like I had my family during the DMT experience I had.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>I had killed Rogue, and everything I had done up to this point was for naught.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hailey, Hailey I’m right here, I’m alive!” He screamed at me in the river, and I tried to focus on him, but he faded out of the river, leaving me alone again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, how much Bliss did you give her?!” I recognized the voice as John’s.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I had killed him, too. And Faith. And Jacob. I had killed them all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I only gave her enough to put her to sleep! Not enough to do this!” Faith cried out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The dirge was deafening, now. It was recognizable now as Erik Satie’s Gnossienne.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The same song I had listened to while tripping DMT.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was back and I was dead and I had killed everyone and I had a pistol in my hands, the same pistol in my yellow Jeep, the same pistol I killed my entire family with and aimed at the cops.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I couldn’t escape and it was out to make sure I knew that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The end of everything I ever knew was replaced with fractals of infinite terrors. I was back in the singularity, the pause all life went through before dying. The moment Eli experienced, I knew. The moment the man on the road had. The moment that the woman in the Lodge had. The man who followed soon after.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was the harbinger of Death.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wasn’t supposed to stop him from killing Jacob.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My own death pause circled in my head a million times, and the river turned black.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was the darkest black, the singularity, the final moments of my existence. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Get a hold of yourself!” A worried and frustrated voice broke through. “You’re in the Veteran’s Center and you took the Bliss!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I had taken the Bliss?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No, I would be okay if I had taken it. Not killing everyone I loved.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You took the Bliss, and you’re here, in the Veteran’s Center! We’re all alive. The Collapse hasn’t come yet! You’re safe.” The voice was gruff and I gripped his beard tightly, sobbing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jacob! Jacob!” I cried, clinging to him. He was rocking me back and forth as I took deep breaths.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m coming down! I’m coming down! Don’t leave me!” I cried into his chest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re all here, Hailey. We’re okay. You’re okay.” Jacob rubbed my back and I forced my eyes open.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re having a panic attack, Brother. I’m here.” Rogue was beside Jacob, who was cradling me in his lap.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I took another deep inhale.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“<em>I’mnevertakingblissagain.</em>” I gasped. Just like I had with the DMT, I started to frantically repeat this new mantra.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“<em>I’m never taking Bliss again. I’m never taking Bliss again</em>.” I pulled both Jacob and Rogue into a tight embrace with the only arm I had.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No one is going to give it to you again, either.” I heard an annoyed John, who I assumed was talking to Faith.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not her fault I asked.” I continued to breathe heavily, trying to look at John, who looked like he had just witnessed childbirth for the first time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I asked for it. I asked for it.” My stomach clenched and my throat was tight and sore and my pulse burned and my shoulder was screaming.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was thankful for the pain.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“God damn, I thought we’d have to inject you with adrenaline to get you out of the Bliss. Good fucking thing we didn’t.” Jacob commented almost comedically, “You’d probably lose your damned mind.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I looked up at Jacob again, now fully aware of my body and the world around me. There were no stars, no river, nothing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I slumped against him and groaned into his chest. “God damn I fucking hate panic attacks. I hate it so, so much.” Jacob laughed, petting my head comfortingly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rogue quietly spoke up, obviously shaken by what had just transpired, “This is what the DMT did to you, too?” I nodded.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think it was a premonition for the Collapse?” John inquired curiously, now much more relaxed with signs that I was back in reality.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No..” I muttered, “I’d leave that up to Joseph. I think it's everything catching up to me.” I sighed, exhausted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyone have a cigarette?” I huffed. Rogue pulled out his reds and a lighter as if waiting for me to ask. He lit it for me and I took a long drag.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I blew it out slowly, feeling it make me much more alert.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wouldn’t be sleeping for a few nights after this. I took another drag, holding the cigarette delicately between my trembling fingers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob pulled it out of my hands and handed it back to Rogue, who took his own inhale of the toxic fumes. He was shaking too, and John rubbed his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I exhaled the last of the smoke, “Faith, I’m sure you’ve had your own bad trips.” I began, “If you don’t mind, would you tell me how you dealt with it?” I looked at her with tired eyes. She bit her lip.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t.. I only took to the needle. I never.. I never experienced what you were going through. Similar things, but never as intense as.. Well.” Faith looked down.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’ll get you something to eat.” Faith rushed out of the room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“..I don’t think I’m okay with eating right now.” I said lamely.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah? Well too bad. You have to eat, it’ll help you recover.” Jacob ordered, and stood up, lifting me up only to set me down on the bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rogue, be a dear and sit with Hailey while I call Joseph. I think he deserves an update on everything.” John winked at Rogue, who nodded and pulled the blanket over me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I thought I wasn’t going to get any sleep, but as soon as Rogue laid down beside me and began talking about anything that popped into his mind, to help keep my mind from wandering.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew what helped me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt myself fall asleep slowly. I observed it as a cat watches a mouse. I experienced the sleep of the mouse.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If it was possible, I prayed for a dreamless sleep.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. 80's Training Montage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hailey decides to get buff and learns to fight.</p><p>And gets butterflies.</p><p> </p><p>(I struggle with this one. I hope it's enjoyable.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When I found myself waking back up, I saw someone had replaced the IV in my arm. I felt bandages around my neck, and Rogue was talking to John in whispers on the other side of the room. It was late in the day from the looks of the sunset. I looked at the ceiling. Soaking in what I had just gone through. What I just put everyone through.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I really needed to center myself before I did any more damage to myself or Eden’s Gate. Even if I had lost ‘GREED’, I still had all the other sins to overcome. I was once a therapist for fuck’s sake, I should’ve handled myself better. It crossed my mind that I shouldn’t have had so many visitors right after I woke up, but I brushed that away as an excuse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had a panic attack. I rolled it on my tongue, in my head, and in my stomach. It had been years since my last drug induced panic attack. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reality warps around the person experiencing the attack, I remembered. Things stop being real, and fear takes over logic. On some drug induced trips, rolling with the punches helps keep the trip from turning south, like with Jude keeping me from falling to the fear in the nuclear fallout, before he made it to Jacob. I hadn’t realized how close I was to something similar then, probably because I had rolled with whatever Jude was doing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The baptism was the same, I was guided throughout all of it and I took it to be a spiritual experience.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This latest Bliss trip was me running away from everything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I should’ve realized, the harder you run from something during a trip, the more potent that aspect becomes. No matter the drug itself, Scopolamine or Dimethyltryptamine, Hallucinogenic or Psychedelic. It focuses on what you focus on. If you want to avoid something, like death, on any sort of trip, it becomes a focal point. Like positive affirmations.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to be afraid.” Focuses on fear. “I am safe.” Focuses on being okay, without the mention of fears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to be afraid” turns the trip into a fear focused experience.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am safe” turns the trip into safer thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not always, but it was a good rule of thumb.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a lot like putting logic to a mindscape without a map. Not exactly accurate, and no solid point of reference, since it's literally just your own mind and you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kind of like that one anime, ID:Invaded. A literal Mind Fuck if you will. I chuckled, drawing the attention of John and Rogue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey bro, glad to see you in good spirits,” Rogue gave me a half grin. I returned it, and a note of peace passed between the two of us, and relief was evident on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, good evening.” John raised his hands like he was greeting a congregation with a wide smile, “It’s nice to see you’re not letting the Bliss ruin your mood.” He mimicked the gesture Faith had used to blow the Bliss into my face, and I assumed it was a common thing she did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were waiting for you to wake up so we could talk about what you want to do with the Deputy.” He drawled. John clapped his hands together, his smile taking on just the smallest of a sharp edge. Rogue looked at John, and then to me again, as if wanting to speak up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And by that, you mean..?” I raised my eyebrow and twirled my hand for John to explain himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, of course, what would you like to do to the Deputy as repentance for his attempt on yours and Jacob’s life? You are, after all, the reason he’s here. Why we’re all here.” I felt the knives in his words, as if he wished to be the one making the choice, to be the one to bring the hammer down. The passive aggressive statement didn’t rouse me to bite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh. Didn’t think I’d be the one to call the shots.” I commented casually, putting my finger to my chin in a sort of thoughtful expression.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was what Joseph decided.” John spoke lowly, clenching his fists just the smallest bit. Rogue glanced at John’s expression and hands. He sighed quietly, used to this sort of thing from John.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt my jaw fall agape. “You’re kidding me.” I whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, he’s not kidding.” Jacob walked into the room with Staci following behind him as his ghost. “My brother decided to leave it up to you, since you’re the,” he grinned and waved at my bandaged shoulder and neck, “wounded party.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I huffed at him and tried to cross my arm as if I still had both of them, and failed miserably. I ended up just awkwardly waving my arm and dropping it with my face burning. Jacob gave an entertained huff, like a wolf watching a dog mimic his howl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so I get to choose what happens to Jude? Does that mean if I say ‘Let him go’, he goes free? Or That he’s killed? And what about his teammates?” I moved the conversation forward, hoping the three men present would forget my flailing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His ‘family’ as Joseph calls them will be recruits, they’ll walk the Path in Faith’s region. Once they get through that, John has free reign of them to make sure they’re not going to betray us. Once they get broken down, we build them back up as soldiers here at the Veteran’s Center.” Jacob sat down on the bed, pulling out his old flask out and taking a drink. Seeing me eye the flask, he tilted it towards me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took it and threw my head back, drinking deeply. I passed it back to Jacob, who looked to John with an expression I didn’t know the context for. Maybe a brother thing, like Rogue and I had.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Speaking of Rogue, he looked to be antsy, like he wanted to talk to me privately. I cocked my head to the side, and he shook his head. Not now, then. Later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John whispered something to Rogue and the both of them walked out of the room, leaving me with Jacob for the first time since I had rejected his offer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt anxiety creep into my throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So,” I started, deciding to bite the bullet, “I’m sorry. For rejecting your offer of joining Eden’s Gate. Only to literally join it because John dug into.. My personal weaknesses.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jacob gave me a look that said, ‘No shit, really?’ “I don’t care how you got here, doc. I’m just glad you’re smart enough to join before shit really hits the fan.” He turned towards me and pointed to the stump where my arm once was. “You know, we were this close to being able to save your arm.” He made a pinch, nearly there. “But that Deputy, the Meat, decided to fight to keep us away from you when he woke up with you passed out on top of him. The fucking idiot didn’t realize we were focusing on one of the only mental health professionals in the county.” He nodded and shoved my legs off of the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get up, Hailey. I don’t want you in this room when Meat knows where you are. He went batshit after this morning, screamin’,” he looked at me with a half grin as he stood up, “about how you got inside his head. How you were just like Faith and all of that. He looked ready to kill you earlier, and I don’t want the chance of his escape making you an easy target. Weak shit that can’t even get over killing.” He passed by different members of Eden’s Gate, all of whom stepped out of his way, and by proxy, mine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Awh, Jacob!” I crossed my hand over my heart in a joking manner, “Thank you! It’s so kind of you to make sure that I avoid getting killed!” I dropped my hand as he chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You keep that up and I’ll put you in a cage just like the others.” He threatened with a knowing and almost lighthearted look on his face. I could tell he was serious even under that guise, so I cracked my neck and changed the topic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long was I out, by the way? I don’t think I’d feel like walking if it was only a day since you and Ju- the Deputy tried to kill each other.” We passed near the main doors and into a wing of the Center I had never been. There were less unarmed people here, but the ones that were, wore armor and helmets and had better guns. High security, then.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been keeping you under for a little over two weeks, Putee.” Jacob chuckled.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Putee? That better not be--” I groaned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Amputee.” Jacob had a shit eating grin, opening a door to my new room.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Motherfucker. I ought to smack you with my good hand.” I growled, not intending to follow up on the threat. But it reminded me of what I experienced in those two weeks, the cold death and burning life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look like I shit in your salad, Putee.” Jacob waved me into the small room, with only a bare bed and a plate of stew and bread on a little bedside table. There was an open door to the bathroom where a standing shower and other amenities took little space. I recalled my first studio apartment in Montana, after I had moved from Tennessee. It was an.. Interesting time. I pulled myself back into the present and responded to Jacob.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well. You made me think about what it was like to pass into the everloving void called death.” I looked at my one hand. “That, and the feeling of still being alive n’ shit even after nearly losing it. Hell, even the drug-induced  panic attack. All of those were kind of like.. A moment of clarity? But each time I step out of those moments, they’re gone. The will I had, the energy to fight, all of it. It’s like I get drained of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jacob nodded, and started, “You’ve got the will of a soldier, but the heart of a damned civi, Putee. You’re too up in your emotions. In your thoughts.” He twirled his finger at his head, “You gotta train yourself to act without overthinking. To do what you have to do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve heard the story I told you about Miller. You’ve acted on instinct to hit the Deputy off his path multiple times now. Hailey, you gotta stop putting your heart out to the wolves, because you’re gonna die if you keep that shit up.” His face scrunched at the thought. “See, Joseph even said that your love would get you killed. I don’t know how or if he knows a thing about the divine, but he’s right about that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded numbly. He was right, I realized. I always had the issue of overthinking and never acting. Not until recently, that is. Not until I had to act to save myself or Jacob. I had to beat my own mind. Jacob had shit to pay for, for putting himself at the end of the Deputy’s gun like he did, but the Deputy himself needed to be told that I wasn’t to be underestimated. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>I wanted the Deputy and his team to join Eden’s Gate, and I wanted to have a hand in guiding them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me what’s in that mind of yours, Putee. You’ve gone silent on me.” Jacob taunted, and I gave him a curious look.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Could you train me, even if I had only one arm?” I asked.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Jacob’s grin grew wide, “I can train anyone, Hailey. You just got to keep up.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Jacob got up to leave, but I grabbed his sleeve.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“One more thing. If the Deputy is to be converted into a soldier, I’d like to be present. Please.” Jacob’s grin was now borderline feral, with a dark look in his eyes.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You’re after my own heart, Putee. I’ll make sure everyone knows. Get ready for training tomorrow, you’re not fully healed yet, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t gonna work your ass off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded at him, and he closed the door behind him.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>_________________________________</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Jacob said training, he really meant it. It had been nothing like the Lodge, where I had breaks and was cut some slack for being a new initiate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Here, under Jacob’s eyes, it was relentless. I had to keep up with other soldiers despite only having one arm to work with. I’d stumble back to my room at midnight only to get up at 5 the next day. Even when the other recruits were given a break, Jacob reminded me that I had to prove my worth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Each time he told me that, even if I wanted to cry, I kept at it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Deputy and his entire squad of people had been captured, from Sharky to Boomer. Whitehorse and Tracey, Tammy, Wheaty, Mary May, even fucking Zip Kupka. They were all sent to Faith first, from what I heard. Staying Blissed out until Jacob decided I was ready to help Faith make them walk the Path.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>I tried to not think about the Red Path that still haunted my dreams every night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hardest part of it all, however, was combat training. Hand to hand combat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had a huge and obvious handicap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_________________________________</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Putee, you need to control the space in front of you if you want to be able to take out your opponent! One arm is more than enough to do that!” Jacob yelled at me as I was thrown to the ground, again, by one of his Chosen.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Use your feet to kick them, throw them off balance! Use your elbow to lock his arm and put him where you want him!” Jacob continued to shout different orders that he liked to call ‘advice’. I did as he told me, dodging the Chosen’s first punch and locking his arm with my elbow. He tried to pull his arm back, but I had applied enough pressure to his elbow to prevent him from pulling back. I turned away from him with his arm, and he was forced to follow my lead at an angle that  kept him off balance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Quickly, I curved my body and rolled on the ground bringing the Chosen with me. He screamed as his arm was lodged from it’s socket, and punched him in the throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the first time in two months of training, I had knocked my opponent down and incapacitated him. The Chosen below me was coughing hard and gasping for air. I looked up to the approving face of Jacob, who’s only words were, “Again. This time, don’t knock the man’s arm out of place.” I nodded, helping the Chosen up and helping him pop his arm back into place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I failed at repeating the same act no matter how many times I repeated it.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Jacob was pissed, and he walked out of the training yard for the first time since I started training.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>_______________________________</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>From that day forward, I was forced to spar with Jacob. He pulled no punches, and by the end of the day, I would always be bruised, battered, and limping.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was his ‘easy training dummy.’ It made me livid to continuously be beaten down with nothing to show for it. From the rumors I’d heard my brothers and sisters gossip about, the Seeds had successfully re-educated a few of the Deputy’s people. Hurk, Nick, and Sharky.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that a few that had tried to escape had been killed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Grace, Jess, Pastor Jerome, and Whitehorse. All of which tried to bust the Deputy out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The funny thing was, the Deputy had been removed from Faith’s region long before the rest of them had. He was staying in John’s bunker, from what I heard. ‘Atoning for his sins.’</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>________________________________</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Another week had passed, and I was able to get the upper hand only a handful of times, mostly in the latter half when I had learned a few of Jacob’s tells. He had a gleam of joy in his eye each time I knocked him on his ass, which was hugely rewarding. Soon enough, we were sparring and I would win maybe one out of four times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For Jacob, that was good enough to let me spar with other Chosen again. Both parties now got knives. It was.. A learning experience having your hand sliced open from your own carelessness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were a lot easier to fight than Jacob. Their tells, much more obvious. Jacob knew his shit and made sure to beat it into me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One night, after a long day of fighting and learning how to wield a hunting knife against my opponent, Jacob caught me off guard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The Deputy is asking to see you. John said he’s been much more compliant after atoning for his sins with the use of Bliss.” Jacob watched my face morph in confusion, and then into slight disgust.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I remember my own sins being tattooed. They hurt like hell, but the blood loss and healing,” I raised my dirt covered arm to show off ‘PRIDE,’ “were much more painful, since it was something I had to endure. Why is he asking for me of all people?” I asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not sure, but John said he thinks the Deputy has finally reached his breaking point.” Jacob had a smile touch his lips, and patted my shoulder. I laid my hand over his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was the first quiet moment together we’d had together in a long time. It was nice, especially since he wasn’t yelling at me. “What’s the plan, then?” I raised my eyebrow at Jacob.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since you asked, I’ll be sending you out bright and early to John’s Bunker. You’ll be going with two of my best Chosen, and I expect you to be armed.” I nodded, ignoring the feeling of dread in my gut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be taking a gun mounted truck in case you run into trouble. If anything happens, think of it just like training.” Jacob grabbed the back of my head and carefully put his forehead to mine, both of us sweaty from the day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I put my hand on his cheek and closed my eyes. I had only seen Jacob do this with his brothers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had only done this with Rogue and the Deputy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt different from when I had connected with Rogue or the Deputy. This felt more like a promise of the future rather than brotherhood. I didn’t understand what it meant for Jacob and I, but it made me smile. When we parted, it was silent. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He left me to make the trip to my room by myself. I took a nice, long shower, thinking of how his hand on the back of my head felt, how his forehead was warm. </span>
  <span></span><br/>
<span><br/>
</span>
  <span>___________________________</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The morning came quicker that I anticipated, but thanks to my already strenuous schedule set by Jacob, I was up and ready in minutes, dressed in a grey sweater, green combat pants, brown boots, and a black trenchcoat. I hadn’t realized my hair had grown past my shoulders since I had been holding it in a ponytail for training. I left it down for once and looked into my long since forgotten bag that I had prepared what felt like forever ago, and looked to see if I had put any gloves in it. Well, a glove. Nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Damn, it was getting colder out and I had no gloves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I guessed I’d have to deal with it. I left my room and directly into the wall that was Jacob’s chest. “Oh! Shit you shouldn’t just stand at someone’s door like that!” I growled, embarrassed. Jacob rolled his eyes, slung an arm over my healed shoulder, and pulled me out of the Veteran’s Center. He was warm and sturdy, and dared to think of him as a big teddy-- no, grizzly bear. My face was burning and my heart hopped into my throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stuffed the feeling down, knowing he was a busy man. There was no time for either of us to.. Well. We made it out of the Vet’s Center and into the courtyard, where the truck was already waiting. A Chosen was already standing at the mounted gun, and one in the driver’s seat. Both looked at the arm Jacob had around me and I resisted the urge to knock his arm off. It turns out I didn’t need to do anything, because Jacob removed his arm from me and slapped my back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come back home quick, Putee.” Was all he said before he walked back into the center.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Shocks and Slices</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning for graphic depictions of past tortue :D</p>
<p>We go to see Jude, and John decides to have a little chat with Hailey. It's all very normal and casual.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was still early when the truck pulled up to John’s bunker. It was the first time I’d been back in months. Wow. It looked. Less mysterious than the first time. It was a known entity, by now. I also wasn’t hopped up on Bliss for it, either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I jumped out of the truck with the two Chosen, and greeted other brothers and Sisters standing watch outside. The Chosen both waved me off to go ahead, so I shrugged and walked to the door of the bunker. A sister on the inside opened the door and then closed it immediately after I had stepped in. Security was high here. I went down the steps, past the Power of Yes. I understood what it meant now, what it meant to me.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes. I can endure. Yes, I am a sinner. Yes, I can do this.’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Already knowing my way around the lower areas of the bunker, I walked deep into the depths of John’s domain. I knocked on the doorframe of his confessional. This was where he was, I could feel it. Almost as if the connection I had made with Jacob tangentially connected me to John, and by extension, Joseph as well. Maybe even Faith?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It felt supernatural, what these Seeds had. Stronger than even Rogue and I’s connection. The Book of Joseph mentioned their connections, but never their being able to locate each other.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe I was wrong, or weird. Blessed or cursed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t matter, as John opened the door. “Ah! So good of you to join the two of us. Jacob seems to have kicked you into shape.” He chuckled and stepped aside for me to enter. I grinned and relented to him, “He sure did a lot of kicking. Jacob’s damn good at it too. I hope it doesn’t run in the family.” I joked. To my surprise John gave a hardy laugh, usually he only ever chuckled or huffed. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ha! You don’t want to find out, Putee.” I turned to him sharply with a look of betrayal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No! Not you too!” I placed my one hand over my heart in mock offense with the second Seed to take to the nickname.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes, I too have heard of your new pet name. Jacob made sure to let The Father know as well. It’s all according to plan.” He bowed, and then took on a serious tone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aside from that, the Deputy finally broke down and quite literally, told me his life story. What you see of him today will not be the man you knew.” He smiled widely, “I’d prepare myself if I were you.” He stood tall, as if proud of himself, and led the way into the confessional. I kept a short distance between the two of us, wary of what I was about to see.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Turning the corner into the main room, past all of the fresh decorative bodies, was the Jude. He was strapped to a steel wheeless chair which was nailed to the ground. He.. looked like he’d been through hell. His face was badly bruised and swollen, and he was panting hard. His shirt was torn open with deep scars of different sins all written in what looked to be a blade instead of a tattoo gun. His fingers were broken in places, and he was pantless. More deep lashes and a wire wrapped around his leg. It was taped to a battery. He was bloody, bruised, and broken. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wanted to mend his wounds. I wanted to help him get out of that chair. That’s why I was here. He had finally repented. I was here to help him along the Path now, it dawned on me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John stepped to the side and let me rush to him. I dropped to my knees in front of Jude and made sure the battery was off. Once I had ensured it was, I carefully unwound the wire that I saw led between his thighs. My stomach clenched. Really? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I had to slowly peel his boxers away from his sweaty pale skin, and reached my hand into his underwear, making sure to not touch his junk, to find where the wire was placed. It was taped down near his scrotum. I gently removed the last bit of the wire.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Next up was unstrapping him. John waved his hand for me to continue when I looked to him for approval. I undid his restraints, and looked around for anything to clean him up a bit. John chuckled, as if entertained by this little show, and tossed me a clean wet rag from his little workbench.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thanks.” Was all I said. I wiped around Jude’s wounds on his face first. He flinched, hard. I shushed him. “It’s okay, Jude. I’m here. I’m here.” It was all I could say to him. He groaned as I dabbed his black eye. I wiped the blood and sweat and tears from his face with all the love I could muster.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then I moved to his torso, wiping and dapping the blood and bruises.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I realized I’d have to break his fingers again to get them back into order.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Looking down, his toes were the same way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I raised an unamused eyebrow at John, who smiled as if to say, ‘Yes, I did that.’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jude, I’m going to bend your finger and toes back into place. I need you to stay still. It’s going to hurt, but it needs to heal right.” I waited for him to give any acknowledgment. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just groaned.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was good enough for me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I began the slow process of cracking his fingers, swollen as they were, back to where they were supposed to be. Jude cried out only once I had started, but went silent for the rest of his hands and feet. I wouldn’t have been able to do this, I noted, back in my days as a therapist.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now? I was still a therapist, just used to blood and bone, after months of training.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once I was satisfied with ensuring the rest of poor Jude’s joints were in place, I looked to John. “Is it okay if I borrowed a cot for him? He’s not going to be moving much anytime soon. And some Bliss, to help with the transfer to the cot.” I had gone into my professional now almost militant mindset, thanks to Jacob. John gave another small bow, as if he found it funny to be bossed around by me.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course, Putee. I’ll have a few souls come down with a cot as soon as possible. As for Bliss,” His expression grew gleeful, “he won’t need it. Just pick him up and put him on the cot if you want.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I gave John a dead eyed look.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re really enjoying this, huh?” I asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m thrilled.” John chuckled, leaning back on his workbench.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you are.” I rolled my eyes and watched John radio for a cot, only for it to be brought in within a minute. The brothers carrying it looked like they rushed in as quickly as they could. They left almost as soon as they came in, obviously nervous to be in this room. I didn’t hold it against them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I lifted Jude’s body out of the chair with my only arm, struggling with how big he was compared to me, and heard him cry out in pain.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shhh shhh, I’m going to help you lay down. Jude, take a deep breath.” I heard him breathe in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quickly, I balanced myself on one leg and used my other leg and arm to lift Jude onto the cot. He let out a soft ‘oof’ as he landed. I arranged for him to be laying on his back with a kind hand. He let out a relieved sigh, and passed out. Or, maybe just relaxed. I couldn’t tell with how badly his face was messed up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John spoke up, almost casually. “You know, it’s going to be a few days before he’s able to speak clearly. Why don’t you and I talk?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ah. That was his game. “Sure, John, I’d love to. Where should I move the Deputy’s cot? Into the corner, here?” John shook his head with a grin and sighed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why not? Then we can talk about you.” I nodded, feeling numb. I didn’t like where this might lead. Rogue wasn’t here to give my cues either. I wondered what he was up to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I struggled to move Jude’s cot, but I managed to push it into a small dark corner for him to get some good rest. He sure as hell needed it. Once done, I wiped the sweat from my hand and took off my trench coat. God it was hot in this bunker.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What did you want to talk about, John?” I threw my trench coat over my nub of a shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Right to the chase, eh? Well, I was just wondering how training with my brother has been going. He has.. Told me a lot about you. And he’s not much of a talker unless he’s got something on his mind. An idea. A.. Purpose, if we want to use his words. What do you know about this ‘purpose’ he has for you?” His voice was light and almost cheery until the end of his question, where he almost growled it out. I raised both of my eyebrows and put my hand up.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Woah. I’m not sure about that. Everything he’s done for me is because I asked </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And to answer what you’re about to ask, all I asked was that he’d train me up into a soldier and let me participate in the Deputy’s conversion.” I defended myself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a heavy pause, before a look of realization hit his face.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>…” He let out a small gasp. Then, a tiny smile appeared on his face. “Oh, how cute.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t realized it, have you?” John widened his stance and crossed one arm and held the other to his chin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Realized what?” I motioned for him to continue, nervous about what occurred to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, don’t worry about it.” He chuckled. “Though, I do have to ask. What do you think of Jacob? He’s hard to know, hmm?” John hummed. He put his hands in his pockets.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh? Well. He’s a hardass, stubborn, powerful, and a real Darwinist. But he has his soft moments, you know? Both sides of him, even his PTSD induced fighting,” I paused, thinking back to the times we sparred with knives and he went into an episode, nearly killing a Chosen once, had I not kicked the knife from his hand and had three other men help me hold him down till he came back down to earth. “It’s all very much a Jacob. Once you gain his trust and respect, he treats you as an equal. It’s like if he praises you, you’re on top of the world.” I grinned at the times he told me ‘Good.’ or ‘Well done.’ Short, sweet, and potent. My face felt flushed. I looked at John, who had an absolutely evil smile on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“..Wow.” He laughed. “Lucky man.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I raised an eyebrow at him.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Uhh. Too obvious?” I asked him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Very.” He said knowingly</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you happy with your answer?” I felt the color on my face drain.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh motherfucker..” I twitched</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t say anything, my friend. You did.” Jacob had a similar shit eating grin to Jacob.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It made my face heat up even more. What came next made me want to bust my kneecaps under the weight of the words.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You know, Jacob prefers the hunt. Don’t make it too easy for him, Putee.” John turned away with all the casualness in the world, leaving me to react in privacy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Which, of course, was me feeling everything from my neck up burning what would be a tomato red. I refrained from the nervous squeak that tried to scratch its way out of my throat, and coughed.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“H-he’s occupied with work for the Project. I’m not going to let my feelings interfere with that.” I frowned at the back of John, whose shoulders raised in a quiet laugh. Cocky motherfucker.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, perfect. That’s what I want to hear.” John sounded amused as all get out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, ‘Yes Man’. Was that all you wanted to tease me about? Or was there something else? If we’re done here, can I go?” I tried to roll his comments off my back by stretching my shoulders. Maybe I could go outside and take a jog since I wouldn’t be training today.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keep talking like that, and you’ll never have your ‘PRIDE’ marked out!” John almost sang the threat. “That’s actually what I wanted to discuss. You’ve lost your ‘GREED’ in such a selfless way. It’s only right we go through and mark out the sins you’ve repented for.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Which ones?” I raised an eyebrow, a little nervous at the idea of Jude being here while I got cut up. Again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sloth, for finally taking action. Maybe Gluttony, since you’ve not shown yourself to horde food or anything since you’ve been here.” He turned back to face me, but wasn’t looking anywhere near me. He was looking up in thought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll have to keep the rest as they are for now. You haven’t freed yourself from all sin.” He commented with an air of confidence.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I doubt any one person has, really.” I nodded. He waved his hand to motion me to sit down in the chair Jude was originally in. I sat down and sighed, tossing my trench coat to the side. Ready to deal with the pain and get over it. Within moments, John had already prepped his tattoo gun, obviously eager to get started.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mark away,” I say, brushing off my nerves.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Gladly,” He lifted my shit to get to ‘GLUTTONY’ first, quickly drawing harsh and painful lines across my stomach. I grunted, it didn’t hurt as bad as when the words were written. Maybe my tolerance grew, or I’d been through enough pains since, to not weep? In moments, the gun would catch on the scarred tissue, forcing me to bite back shouts. I bled from my stomach, though not like before when the words were cut into me. Had he purposely made it horrible the first time?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At this point, I couldn’t care less. It was as it was. I had to pull my pants down for John to get to ‘SLOTH’, a little awkward at first, but when the gun met my thigh, it downright made me forget that I had anything to worry about.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It fucking hurt.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once John made it through, he sighed like he seemed to do each time he finished marking someone. It was strange, but John was John at this point. Sadist and all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once he finished marking the last bit out on my skin, I went ahead and dabbed the fresh wounds with another rag that John passed me. Once I was done with the rag, I passed it back and he handed me a bandage. I applied the bandages with a practiced ease, just like in combat training when I got gouged by knives. John helped me stand up, like this was a casual affair for the two of us. I pulled my pants back up and winced as it brushed my skin. That was gonna be annoying, but I’d have to deal with it. I stood there, waiting for John to dismiss me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Take the Deputy on the way out, I’m sure he’d appreciate not waking up here.” John chortled as he waved to the room around us.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <span>“Yessir, I’ll do just that.” I started pushing Jude’s cot out of the room, slowly but surely, and out into the hallway.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>With nothing better to do, I just jogged in place. ‘Idle hands are the devil’s work,’ as I heard many Brothers and Sisters repeat. It’d have to do, for now. Once Jude was awake, I’d be able to find him a cell.</span>
  <span></span>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Brainwashing Done Right, and Wrong</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jude wakes up, and isn't happy.</p>
<p>Hailey learns a few new things.</p>
<p>They aren't happy, either.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jude didn’t wake up until much later in the day, twice I had a Chosen or two relieve me of watch so I could grab a bite in the mess hall and use the facilities. While waiting, I put my trench coat on Jude for some sort of comfort. It was.. Quiet. Peaceful, even. I started to do my one armed push ups to pass the time. Watching brothers and sisters pass by on different tasks, almost all of them armed. I had a hunting knife and pistol, but no rifle. Jacob had taunted me about not having the arm strength.. It was true, honestly. With only one arm, the recoil was too much.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It only irked me a bit. Without my arm.. Things were harder, slower, and much more frustrating. Jacob treated me like the rest of the soldiers hurt, before it occurred to me that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he was treating me like everyone else</span>
  </em>
  <span> in spite of my newfound disability. It was helped in a twisted way, forcing me to see myself as just as capable as the rest. I was thankful to Jacob, in truth. For pushing me harder than the rest. I needed it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude groaned. I jolted out of my thoughts and hopped off of the ground. His eyes were glazed and swollen, but open. When he saw me, the one eye that could widen blew wide open. Was he not expecting to wake up to being in the hallway? It was much cooler than in John’s confessional. I gave him a tentative smile, to which he rasped out, “Y..you’re here. I- I- I- thought they w-wouldn’t l-let you see me.” He weakly raised his arms to me, as if to feel that I was real.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I grabbed his hand with my own.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course they would.” I grinned wryly. “I’d kick shins till someone would give in.” I looked him over, as if his state would magically improve. It hadn't changed much at all. He just was coherent now. “I heard you finally said Yes?” He winced, then nodded. As if just the word subdued him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I made sure I’d be here during your path to the Father. I know last time we saw each other, it wasn’t exactly..” I glanced to the side, not guilty, but regretting that I had said it outloud.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re fucking crazy, you know? Just like the rest of the peggies.” He harshly stated. I nodded, numbly. “You’re a fucking lying manipulative bitch.” He continued, before coughing. “And you fucking don’t know what Jacob </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> to people! You act like he’s not turning people and wolves into killing machines! He cages them and starves them and tortures them!” He growled, attempting to sit up. To my surprise, he succeeded and glared at me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you were different, you sick fuck. You’re just like the Seeds. Trying to get into my head.” I realized too late that Jude hadn’t been broken. He had just bided his time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He jumped at me, fingers still swollen and obviously painful, but the punch he landed on me staggered me back a few feet. I cracked my neck and rubbed my jaw.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d rather not fight you, Ju--” He interrupted me. “Don’t. Don’t. You have no right to use my name. My fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends </span>
  </em>
  <span>are caged, trapped, tortured, or possibly dead, all because I let you </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” He lurched to the side and faked a punch, only to kick me on my ass.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I deserved it. He didn’t know some of his friends were truly dead yet, though. I did. “Deputy, listen.” I started, watching him from the floor, not moving to avoid his ire.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Your friends are safer here than out there--” Again, I was cut off.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fucking shut up. You and the Seeds are scum. You deserve to die for the shit you’ve done.” He went to grab for my shirt, and I knew if I let him grab me, I would be dead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I rolled out of his reach and jumped to my feet. He went in to punch me, and I did what I was taught, catching his elbow and throwing him to the ground, knocking his shoulder out of place with the force. He hissed in pain and I kicked his stomach. I kicked him again, in the face. Blood covered my boot. I had broken his nose. I grabbed him by his wavy dirty blonde hair and smashed his head against the wall. He grabbed my hand to stop me from doing it again, but I was faster. I smashed his head over and over into the wall, until he went limp.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was still breathing, and I stepped back. I heard John open his Confessional Bunker door, and a low whistle came from where he was. I was breathing heavily, my hands shaking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not going to kill him?” John asked.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’d rather not.” I bit my lip, and looked at John with tears in my eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He tried to kill me, John. I.. I just let my training take over and--” I started to babble, and John tsked at me.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Really, Putee, He’s hardly worth the life he has. The only reason any of us haven’t killed him is because Joseph believes in him.” He glared at the faintly breathing man on the ground.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to do with him, but killing him would be a fire under the Resistance’s ass.” I commented, gazing at Jude. A part of me still wanted to wipe his face. I wanted him to join the cult so we could have quiet moments together again. To save him from the Collapse that was upon us. To have him march through Eden’s Gate with his friends.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For fucks sake, Jacob was right that my heart would get me killed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I kicked the Deputy’s body under his cot, much to the bemused expression on John’s face. “Shall we call up Jacob to have someone take you back? OR would you like to stay and play with the Deputy?” John’s ever present smile faded into a sinister look of cold anger, aimed at the Deputy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re not serious?” I asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Deadly. I’ll even invite Rogue so you can see him. We’ll make it into a reunion of you three, since you </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> get along so well.” John spoke with a hint of sarcasm, making the ends of his scowl tilt up just the littlest bit.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tempting. You know my weakness is Rogue, huh?” I chuckled with little humor in it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That is my job, you know.” He quipped darkly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Really now? I thought drowning and torture was your thing. Could’ve fooled me.” I shrugged, only to be slammed against the wall with my feet dangling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You keep that snarky mouth of yours clean. I do work for Joseph, I help people. I release them. Some people need more release than others. To experience the pain of </span>
  <em>
    <span>freedom</span>
  </em>
  <span> is a </span>
  <em>
    <span>gift</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He whispered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked at him, and nodded. “Yessir. I’m sorry, sir.” It was like I had finally made him break his facade, but in moments, he was back to the pleasant man he acted as.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good, I’ll call for Rogue. You take that rat and put him back in the chair.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>______________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rogue gave me a worried look behind John’s back. I shrugged. He knew that something went down, but I waved at the Deputy to throw it off of John. Rogue nodded, but still gave me a side eye, knowing I was hiding all of it. The connection we had was still tethering our emotions. Just like with Jacob, but now I could feel the strings, as if the more I developed these connections, the stronger they became. I could even feel a tether to John, and faintly, Faith.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I tugged on the string connected to John. It was like imagining a web and pulling it with my mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John looked at me with a raised brow and a bit of shock. I opened my mouth to say something, but he beat me to it.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t abuse that gift. Once you are renamed, and finally one of us, Joseph will forgive you for hiding it.” My mouth hung open just a bit in surprise. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Gift? Renaming? I hadn’t heard about any renaming.” I stated dumbly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh, we don’t spread the word about it unless we have to.” He ignored my gift remark, casually addressing the one thing I cared little about instead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure Joseph will choose your name once you become a Chosen.” He waved his hand dismissively. Rogue spoke up, after being silent during the entire exchange.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“When my name was given to me, it was one of the single most affirming things in my life. It was like waking up from a dream.” He nodded towards John with a half smile. John was turned from the both of us and observed the Deputy who still hadn’t stirred in his chair. Still breathing, I noted. He’d have to come around.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he didn’t, he’d be the end of us. I knew it was less and less likely I’d get the happy ending with him joining us, so I’d have to settle for second best.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Make him unable to fight. Make him a worker.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Make him into an Angel.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I kept my thoughts to myself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John poured water on the Deputy, who finally stirred. “Wh- wha-..”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wake up, it's time to begin your lesson.” John clapped his hands together loudly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I marked it here, that this was the first time I made someone’s skin boil. The screams were deafening. John looked pleased, and Rogue kept a neutral look the entire time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was doing what was asked by Eden’s Gate.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>_______________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I had been sent back to the Veteran’s Center the next day, after I learned what burning flesh and piss together smelled like.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Deputy would be under John’s care until Faith had a place set up to properly contain Jude. He would be Blissed out and broken that way, Joseph had called to say. Just like what I had thought. I was sure Joseph knew this was probably going to be fruitless.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>________________________________</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My room in the Veteran’s Center was no longer mine, which I wasn’t surprised in the least to see. I expected it, really. What I didn’t expect was Jacob with a shit eating grin gesturing for me to step into a cage. I walked into it with a questioning look, and asked him, “What’s this about?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob sat in a chair placed by Staci, who had been brought back to Jacob due to his compliance. Jacob patted his thighs and started, “Well, now that you can fight, the real training starts.” He leaned back, appraising me. “You’re going to go through what all the soldiers go through. To be strong.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I realized what he meant. I knew what he did here, I wasn’t so blind as to ignore it. He played mind games, starved people, and twisted them into warriors. Both Jacob and I had talked extensively about Classical Conditioning. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was going to be his next guinea pig. I sat on the ground, cross legged in front of Jacob, the cage separating us. “Going to see if you can twist the simple therapist into a new creature?” I asked, trying to keep my nerves out of my voice and failing from the look on Jacob’s face. He looked seriously at me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not special. No one here is. We all go through it. I cull the herd, doc. It’s what I do. My purpose, now that I’m not a sacrifice.” The last part was almost a whisper. It felt like a secret, like a confession. I nodded.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then, what’s my purpose, Jacob?” I felt my hand shake, and I moved it under my ass to prevent it from drawing attention.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s for me to decide, and you to find out.” He winked. I wanted to laugh at his winking, since it seemed so out of place for him, but it came out as a weak chuckle.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I.. How long do I have to be in here?” I let myself ask what was weighing on my mind. Jacob stood from his chair and turned away from me, starting to walk away.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Jacob? Jacob, please!” I began to call out his name, until I couldn’t see him any longer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t until the second day alone that I realized one thing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob was treating me like the rest of his soldiers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just like the rest, I had to endure.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Hunger, Snapdragons, and the Path</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hailey gets no special treatment. They are being brought into the fold, slowly but surely.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The third day was upon me. It was cold as hell outside, but not freezing yet. My lips were cracked, and my throat hurt. I watched each soldier that passed me by with a new respect and envy. They had made it. I sat in the back of the cage, away from either side of the cage. On my left was a man who wouldn’t stop begging to be let out. On my right was a Judge who was snarling at everything and everyone. It was fed every day, twice a day. I watched it eat with jealousy, but it occurred to me that I probably shouldn’t try fighting a Judge for food.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I hadn’t experienced hunger pains and thirst like ever before on the fourth day. The weather made the ache in my body worsen. My head was killing me, throbbing with immense pain. It hurt to swallow, it hurt to do anything. I stayed curled up, the only reason I wasn’t weeping was to save every drop of water I had in me. I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my survival.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The fifth day, Jacob stopped by. With Joseph. He watched me, no words pouring from The Father’s lips. Jacob looked like a cat who got the canary. I watched them with apprehension. That was, until Joseph waved a Cult VIP down. He was holding a bowl of raw meat, undoubtedly for a Judge somewhere. Joseph took it from the VIP, and set it into my cage.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I looked at Joseph and Jacob both, as if this was a trick. Then, I quickly stumbled to the bowl, my stomach screaming in pain and anticipation. I gave Joseph one last curious look, before I started to eat the meat. I didn’t care that it was raw. I didn’t care that I looked disgusting. I ate what my stomach could handle, thankful for the bloody meat being so juicy. It was fantastically horrific. I could hear my conscience, who had been quiet more and more lately, give a cry that I shouldn’t have given in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck the Superego. Right now my Id, my instincts, were what was keeping me alive.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The conscience screamed that this is what Jacob does.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>I already knew that.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It was only different because I was now one of the people in the cage. Jacob hadn’t changed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was foolish for the Superego to convince me that I was someone special to Jacob, that I would be exempt. But just like with training, I was treated the same as everyone else. Except for the private room I once had. It was a temporary privilege of healing, I’d guess.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Joseph, the Father himself, started to speak, and I was open ears.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My child, you have done a lot for Eden’s Gate. You have been through much, and passed each test we’ve given you.” He paused, smiling softly he grabbed my one hand that was covered in blood. “You have suffered and sacrificed for me and my brothers and sister. When I first began Eden’s Gate, I had hoped for people like you. People of God, who were outcasts and rejected. Your brother, whom you call Rogue, has saved my brother John with his love. You have saved my brother Jacob with yours.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up, into the air above the both of us, continuing. “You have proved to be a true guardian. You have brought him his purpose.” I felt Joseph run his fingers over mine. I savoured the warmth. His eyes were intense as they moved back to me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jacob has felt he is without purpose. But he’s seen what he can make you. A true guardian angel for Eden’s Gate. Your heart, your will, your strength. I ask you to give yourself to the Project at Eden’s Gate. I ask you to give me your life.” He removed his hand from mine and placed it on my face. I leaned in to the touch, his hand calloused and warm against my cold face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The fear of death that had carved itself deep into me, I realized, was because I was afraid to leave the world without a mark on it. If I could lend myself to Eden’s Gate.. If I could give my life to a true meaning, to people who’d survive the Collapse, and their lives would be my legacy? I could die at peace.” I mumbled into Joseph’s hand, my eyes closed. His thumb brushed my eyelashes, and I heard him speak again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, my child. Once you complete this test, you will walk the path. You will See, and when you do, I will be waiting for you.” He removed his hand, and I opened my eyes to look at the Father. Joseph stood up and patted Jacob’s shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The string connected to the Father felt like it was humming. Like he had faith in me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It made me stronger. Jacob’s connection grew, and I saw his connection to Joseph in my mind’s eye. The more the web grew, the clearer it became.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I would be a guardian angel. That was my purpose. To guide and protect Eden’s Gate for The Father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob gave me an analytical, cold stare. He was thinking hard about something, before he took the now empty bowl in front of me and left.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>_______________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My stomach hurt from the meat. I could feel it grinding and churning it in my body as I suffered a hot sweat. It was the strain from finally having something in my stomach after days without. I laid on the ground in pain, undoubtedly filthy from the loose dirt. I was curled into a ball, my breathing labored. This was another trial I had to face. I knew that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob came back. He had a chair and unfolded it. I crawled over to him as he set it in front of my cage, and pulled out a little box and a little powder. It was Bliss. I looked at him, on edge immediately at the sight of the stuff. What was this about?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s time, Putee. Better be ready.” He grinned and blew the bliss into my face, before opening the music box. He began to guide me into hypnosis, playing the song he played on occasions before. “Only You..”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>_____________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was back in the nuclear fallout, with a pistol in front of me. I picked it up. I looked around, only to see a grey path. Red Snapdragons lined the path. I heard Jacob speak, “Follow the path. Run.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I ran down the path, red petals rushing with me from the flowers. In my sights, I saw him, Jude. The Deputy. His people, Staci, Pratt, Whitehorse, and others that were faceless all looked to be apparitions. “Kill them.” Jacob told me. They all faded out only to appear one by one. Whitehorse appeared before me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I aimed my gun at Whitehorse. He was already dead, there was no reason not to kill him again. I shot him in his chest as he ran towards me. He fell onto the path, bleeding beside the snapdragons. I barely blinked before I shot a faceless person who had gotten too close.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I ran down the path, each time I came too close to anyone, I shot them. They all laid on the path behind me, snapdragons sprouting from their bodies. The fallout was choking me, but I knew what I had to do. The path was long and curved, through trees and up hills. I came across a Shrine, where I saw Pratt and Hudson. I shot them both while they were still kneeling before the Shrine. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” Jacob echoed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I  continued to follow the path, now red with blood from the people I killed, petals floating in the puddles of rust. It led to another Shrine. I shot three more faceless people, all turning to me just in time to be shot in their heads. More blood. More Flowers. “Well done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I made it to the end of the bloody floral path, only to find Jude.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kill him.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jude was aiming his own pistol at me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I raised my pistol to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We both shot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He fell. Red Snapdragons blossomed forth from him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In a moment I felt burning on my cheek, my own blood dripping down my face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was still standing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The fallout started to stir around me and turned red.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Now, come back home.” I nodded, walking off of the path toward where I felt Jacob waiting.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>___________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I awoke back in my cage, cheek aching. I touched it to find a hot scab on my face. The rest of my cheek felt itchy, undoubtedly from the dried blood. I looked around, stars still sparkling in my eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That wasn’t a dream.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Who were those people I killed? They couldn’t have been Jude or Whitehorse, or any of the people I saw. It wasn’t reality, but it wasn’t unreal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I knew what classical conditioning entailed. It was fascinating to experience it. How Jacob manipulated the mind was awe inspiring. It was a hard thing to get right, but he was able to guide my mind, and by proxy my body, to kill. To make people faceless.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When this was over, I wanted to learn about how he manipulated my mind personally.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wanted to ask him about the grey path turning red. Had I said anything about it in the bliss? What did those flowers mean? Did it mean anything?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It occurred to me that I had killed people on bliss.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I couldn’t bring myself to care past the fascination.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>____________________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was mid-week two, with only the occasional meals being enough to keep me alive, with water a bit more frequently. I had gone through another trip with Jacob again guiding me through it. The path was red before I had started to shoot anyone this time. It was now only faceless people, and the sound of the song. It was a comfort, hearing the song now. It let me know I was on the right path. That Jacob was within reach. That, as I murdered another nameless person, I would still make it back home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>_____________________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The meals were now almost daily, and the water was given every morning. I was building back strength, and with the knowledge of more food to come, I tried to build back the muscle I had lost. Each time there was a meal, there was always the music box. There was always the path to follow.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob stopped by from time to time, talking about what was going on in his region, how Jude was walking the path in a highly blissed out state with guards out the ass. That more of his people were killed. He didn’t tell me who, but every once in a while, Staci would be with him, the look of cold fury and fear in his eyes. He was the only one, aside from Jude, who I knew to be living.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the end of the fourteenth day, Jacob had his music box and a bowl of meat. It was time to go through another song and dance with the red path and ever present flowers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>_____________________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I woke up in a cot for the first time in two weeks, surrounded by other brothers and sisters in their own cots. The cot felt like a godsend, and I was relieved that it was finally over. The hunger that had eaten away at me during the first week gnawed at my insides, never to be forgotten. That was what Jacob wanted. He’d make sure we were fed if we made sure to be good little soldiers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I thought my first kill would be a bigger deal, but I was blissed out enough to only care about what Jacob said, and that song. It was like a beacon leading me back to Jacob. It was the way to the man I saved, the man who has starved me for weeks as conditioning, the man who with a few words was able to chain me to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I realized I’d developed a sick sort of attachment to him. Originally, before the reaping, it was a crush. Now, it was a twisted sort of love, a need to be what he needed of me, despite everything he’d do to me to get me there. The feeling was akin to the devotion and love I felt for the Father, but I knew the difference between the two.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Storge</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the unconditional love of family. I felt it deeply within Joseph, the Father. Within Rogue, my brother, I felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>Storge</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Philia</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the deep love of comrades, friends. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With Jacob? I feared my feelings that were once the beginnings of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pragma,</span>
  </em>
  <span> a sensible sort of enduring love, had morphed into a type of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Mania,</span>
  </em>
  <span> an obsessive love based on survival. Or.. maybe it was now both? Really, it was something I would have to put off either way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was interrupted in my contemplations by the door opening to the room I and others were sleeping in, and a Chosen woman entered, addressing me. “Get up, you’re scheduled to go to Faith to walk the path, sister.” I sat up groggily and slipped on the boots placed in front of me and grabbed the pistol the sister handed me. I was wearing different clothes from when I passed out. It was a simple sleeveless Eden’s Gate embroidered shirt and black pants. Someone had washed me of the dirt and blood in my sleep. Or I had swam in a river on the way home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I followed the sister out of the room and out of the Veteran’s Center. I felt nervous leaving the Center. As if it would disappear behind me once I left. I was left with no choice when the sister patted my back and jumped on an ATV, gesturing for me to join her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hang on tight, sis. I know you’s only got one hand, but I ain’t slowing down for ya’s.” She nodded at my shoulder, where the sleeveless shirt accentuated the scars from the messy removal. I hopped on wordlessly and gripped her waist tightly. I could smell blood, sweat, and gunpowder on her. The cold weather that once gnawed at my bones now felt like slices of ice as the sister started to fly down the Vet Center’s driveway. It would be a long ride. I nuzzled my face into her back as she drove, watching the trees pass us by. The sound of crunching gravel lulled me into a trance-like state. It made me think of when I ran away from the Vet’s Center after Jacob asked me to join the Project.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was scared for a good reason. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t matter now. It was a moment of weakness.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Weak.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Was I strong now? Having killed and sacrificed for Eden’s Gate?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Was I worthy of being called a Guardian Angel by The Father?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I hoped I would live up to the title the Father would one day bestow upon me. From a therapist, guiding people and showing them a better life, to a Guardian Angel? A protector with a job to guide others? The cold air bit into my arm and I started to feel it numb, my hair wildly slapping my face in the cold wind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Father was a wise man. I would ensure that his hope in me was not misplaced.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was time for me to walk the Path.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Flowers and Guns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hailey Arrives at Angel's Peak</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As we approached the Angel’s Peak, both the sister and I heard gunfire and screaming coming from the Peak. She looked at me and killed the ATV’s engine. We both silently got off and prepared our guns. I turned the pistol’s safety off as the sister pre-aimed her rifle towards the firefight ahead. I lifted the pistol towards the air and held it, so as to not accidentally shoot one of our people.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We climbed the last bit of the trail, to find Resistance members mid-attack. The sister ran into the fray without hesitation, shooting one of the Resistance members down. I counted seven heads in the Resistance, and six heads of cultists, including the sister I came with and me. I had to be careful. If I missed my shot, I’d be giving away my location without evening the playing field.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I looked at all of the Resistance members who were gathered to one side of the Peak, grouped together. Our people were spread out, all hiding in cover. I crouched into the brush near the ATV, looking for my first target.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where the fuck is their pet?!” One of the Resistance members yelled out. I was closer to the Resistance than any of the brothers and sisters, so it was loud and clear. Another Resistance member hushed the man.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Idiot! Don’t go giving shit away!” She hissed at him. I could see the whites of her eyes, almost as clear of day. She would be the first I’d hit. I aimed my sights and pistol on her head, and in the moments before I pulled the trigger, she saw me. Her eyes widened, and I pulled the trigger. Her head jerked back and she fell to the ground as my arm took the recoil from the pistol. The one she was silencing moments before turned to me, and I quickly recovered from the recoil and shot him in the chest. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t even have a chance to raise his gun.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the Resistance members were alerted to my presence, and I ducked behind a nearby tree as the bullets started to rain down on me. My ears were ringing as the hail of bullets stopped. I made a run for better cover, only to turn the corner of a wall and smashed into a person. I put my gun to their head without thinking and held my finger over the trigger.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was a brother. I pulled my gun from him and stood up. He got up quickly and we both nodded to each other. He went around where I ran from, and I carefully made my way around the building. More gunfire. I turned to see the brother I had just held at gunpoint was being riddled with bullets. I quickly moved away from the building and back into the brush, hiding. More gunfire. I was too far away to do anything from where I was. I made my way through the brush to where I knew the rest of my brothers and sisters were. There were only four left, the sister I came with was dead on the ground in front of the group. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We were evenly even, five to five. It would be rough to do anything without backup. The four of my brothers and sisters rushed into the fire fight after a brief moment of reprieve. I heard more gunfire, and three of them fell. The last one took down two of the five, leaving three left, before they shot him in the head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I bit my lip. Three against one. Then I’d call for backup. The Resistance members scanned the nearby area for any lingering cult members, but they didn’t spot me. Thank the Father. I snuck back to the body of the man I’d held at gunpoint and took his rifle.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It would have to be quick. I would have to wait for them to group together again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I had to wait ten grueling minutes, each second the fear of being found pumped through me. I had to play it smart. Wait for the right moment. I could do this. Just like training. Just like the path. This was the path. The rifle was my lantern in the night. The three of them cleared the area, and grouped back up. I heard them talk of radioing in more Resistance. It had to now, or never.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I snuck in as close as I could, hidden in the early morning shadows of one of the cabins. I aimed the rifle, and sprayed. The recoil shot my arm up in the air, but I had hit two on them. One was dead and the other was on the ground screaming. The last one turned to me with a gun aimed right at me. I jumped behind the building and heard them running after me. I tossed the rifle to my side and pulled out my hunting knife as the last unharmed Resistance member turned the corner.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sliced their trigger finger off as quickly as I could, then punched him in the throat. He fell to the ground coughing in shock. He held his hands to his throat, and I stabbed my knife into his throat, pinning his hands in place. He began to cough on his own blood, and I grinned.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You look a little choked up.” I pulled the knife from his throat and heard his dying wheezes, wet with blood. He died underneath me and I stepped over his still warm body. I looked to where the injured man lay, and casually picked my rifle back up. I walked over to the man, who had the bullet in his stomach. I put a bullet into his head, ending his misery.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed in relief, and searched the cabins for a phone or something to call someone. I found a number and a phone in a closed off area, and dialed the number.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This is Faith’s Gate.” Was all that came from the other end.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Angel’s Peak was just attacked. I’m the only survivor. More Resistance may be on the way.” I spoke quickly and quietly, anticipating a second attack.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Back-up on the way. Father guide you.” They hung up. It was quick, no formalities. I was thankful for it, and I hid in one of the cabins. They were so empty, it was almost unreal. I thought there’d be more people here, but I was wrong. I waited, silent as death. I heard trucks coming, and held my breath, hopeful they were Eden’s Gate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I chanced a peak out of one of the windows, only to see white trucks with mounted guns. I sighed in relief as I heard one of the men call out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I raised my voice, “I’m in here, no injuries!” The brother who called out popped his head into the cabin, and gave me a chipper smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You look like you’re bloody happy to be alive!” He laughed. I nodded, grateful for a friendly face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t believe it, brother.” I huffed and stood up, wobbling a bit. What a fucking start to walking the Path.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>___________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I got to stay at the cabins for the rest of the day. I was tense, and laying down only made me more ansty. I was given lunch and I scarfed it down, grateful for every bite. I walked around the premises, and helped the other brothers and sister clean up the bodies. It was a mess, but the bodies weren’t stiff yet, so it was much easier to drag them across Angel’s Peak and to one of the trucks, presumably to use as decor around the area.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The leader of the squad sent as reinforcements came up to me after the bodies were moved away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You Jacob’s recruit?” He asked me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, didn’t anticipate such a warm welcome, though.” I shrugged, trying to laugh off the day. It didn’t work, but he smiled at me and patted my nubby shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You did well, kid. ‘Specially with..” He removed his hand from me to wave at my amputation. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah? I didn’t notice. Felt like I was lucky to make it out, honestly.” I looked out into the beautiful scenery. I wasn’t going to die here. Not today.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You ‘ave the protection of The Father. Though it’s weird one of Jacob’s troops is walkin’ the Path. Usually only pilgrims n shit.” He nodded at me, and I again shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not really sure why, but I’m taking it as it comes. That’s really all I can do.” I watched the sun dip into afternoon territory.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, not many of us get to experience all three trials and live to tell the tales. Father protect you on the rest of your own pilgrimage.” He finished his thoughts and quickly left me alone with my thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>_________________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was to be given Bliss while walking the path. I was wary of it, having only experienced one bad trip on the stuff was enough to warn me of what could go wrong if I wasn’t in the right state for it. If I wasn’t being guided.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Thankfully, I wouldn’t be alone. I would be assigned to a sister who’d help me walk the path in a blissed state. She would be my caretaker and would talk with me on the path, even reading the messages if they were too blurry.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was relieved to know I’d be safe in her hands.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>________________________________________</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sister, whose name I learned was Shania was a redhead with freckles all across her body, which was softer and rounder than my own. She looked almost motherly, maybe in her mid-forties, and she was missing a few teeth. She had told me she was a hooker before she joined Eden’s Gate, where she now gets to be the woman she always wanted to be, clean of drugs, able to help others, and not having to worry about where her bed would be. It was all given to her by The Father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It reminded me of how lucky I was in my life before Eden’s Gate. She had lived hell her whole life, and I respected her for her strength. Only a strong person could still smile after every she’d been through.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She reminded me of my own mother. Lost, down on her luck, abused, but a hard working and talkative woman with little filter.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was glad she would be my partner on this path.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We started walking the next day, down the path from Angel’s Peak. I had been given a large dose of bliss, and I held onto Shania’s hand for grounding. The world around me morphed into the familiar nuclear fallout I had seen so many times now. The path we were walking was red and surrounded by Angel’s Trumpets, the true name for Bliss flowers, and Red Snapdragons. It was much like walking the path on the killing sprees Jacob had sent me on, but I had no gun, and Shania reminded me of why I was walking the red path. It wasn’t to execute orders, but to really </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the Bliss. For the Father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I picked up a Bliss flower and put it in Shania’s hair. I picked up a snapdragon and placed it in my own hair. Shania’s smile was bright, as if I had made her day. I laughed, skipping with her down the path to the first station. I tried to read the word on the slab, but I couldn’t make them out, they kept running away, twisting into flowers and guns. I looked at Shania.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Joseph Seed hears The Voice. It calls upon him to become a leader to give hope to wayward souls</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Shania sighed dreamily. I looked at the slab, and it was now an image of a young Joseph, covered in bruises and lashes with a halo around him. I knew he was hearing the Voice at that moment. The slab reached out and I felt the connection to Joseph clear as day. Like the Bliss strengthened the web around me. I could see him look up from his sermon, looking at me. I tapped the slab, and the string connecting Joseph and I turned gold. He gasped in what looked to be joy, but I could’ve been wrong. He continued to speak, and faded out of my vision.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shania and I slowly made our way to the next station, the next slab. The snapdragons had started to entwine themselves with the Bliss, morphing the two. We soon made it to the Second slab. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Joseph Seed affirms his obedience to the Voice by cleansing himself with his own two hands, becoming born again</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Shania hummed it like a mantra.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I saw then that Joseph scarred himself, lashed himself, and bruised himself. Harm for the sake of repentance. For the sake of the Voice. I watched him lash himself, and the string appeared again, brighter. I didn’t tap it this time, knowing he was probably mid-sermon still. It would be rude to call him in the middle of it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The world and time started to blur together, bending itself into a storybook filled with blissed snapdragons falling from the sky and the word’s of The Father.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>His words continued to circle me. I saw him guiding people with a lantern in the darkness of the night.  I saw the fallout’s origin as if I was beside Joseph while bombs fell. Snapdragons cut my face as they flew from the source of the explosion. Joseph wrapped his arms around me, and I felt l was the whole of Eden’s Gate. We really were all his children, in his heart. I felt the web throb and countless strings appeared around me. I realized there were my brothers and sisters. They were faint, thin, and only whispers compared to Joseph’s shining rope.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I see, then, that Joseph paints on the faces of his Brothers and Sister. They all have halos enveloping their heads just as Joseph did. Faith was given a shining star by Joseph, and I understood why she was Faith. She was his Faith. Strong, cunning, and imperfect. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The storybook turned its own page, and I saw snakes draping themselves around cultists who didn’t believe. I saw the snakes bite these members, and they all fell like dolls.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The world around Joseph turned into the familiar Hope County, fruitful and isolated. The perfect place for the Garden.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Birds started to fall from Joseph and his sibling’s lips, flying around the land and drawing flocks of people to them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I watched as some of the flock were filled with fear, and how the Bliss started to float around them, the flowers making halos for these people, turning them into Angels. Was that why I was walking this path? To become the Guardian </span>
  <em>
    <span>Angel</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Snapdragons and Angel’s trumpet started to blossom from my chest. I looked behind me, and each place I had set my foot on the red path was now sprouting the two flowers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A corpse of a White horse, with its neck snapped, walked into the scene, the fallout around it making it look like a ghost. From where it stepped, the flowers around it died. I could smell death. From its mouth came a scroll. From my own mouth poured only snapdragons.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I see seals in front of me on a scroll, all of them cracking one by one on the scroll. The horse collapsed into flames, charring its flesh and filling the air with floral and flesh smells alike. Just like the burning of Jude.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Seven dancers swirled onto the scene, each of them named Year. They twirled and sang and passed by me so quickly it felt as if they flew. The air they brought with them was overwhelming with the scent of snapdragons and Angel’s Trumpet. I looked over the edge of the Book. The fall was long, almost unseeable from so high above.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a leap of Faith, and I choked out more snapdragons, vomiting them violently. The flowers started to sprout from every part of me, and I gagged. I looked to the edge, having faith that this would stop the snapdragons from killing me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I threw myself off the edge. It felt like flying, and once I saw the ground, I knew I would be okay. The bodies below were all scattered, and I would be one of them for a time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I saw the ground approach me as the fallout turned red, the ground turning into a pool of red. I fell into the iron liquid.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Blooming into a New Era</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A new name.</p><p>Another Seal, broken.</p><p>Realizing that someone is into you is a lot more than one without confidence can handle.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I awoke on the ground, stars fading from my eyes. My jaw hurt and I tasted blood. I decided to do a body scan to make sure I was all in one piece. The path I had walked had led to a Leap of Faith, huh? Had the Bliss prevented my death? What the hell was in it?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath of the cold air around me. My body ached like I had been hit by a truck, but all I could tell was that I was bruised deeply. No broken bones, nothing.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>It should’ve been impossible.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe there was truth to Faith. That was what the path told me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t entirely a normal human, not anymore. Just like all the other Seeds, she had been touched by the Divine. I slowly sat up and cracked my jaw, groaning in pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Father really was speaking with some divine entity, God or not. The connection I felt in the Bliss told me that much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I realized I felt the connection, even still. It wasn’t as obvious, but if I closed my eyes and relaxed, it appeared before me, like a line directly to Joseph. To Rogue. To all of the Seeds, now. I could feel the brothers and sisters that were nearby, but only barely. I couldn’t touch their strings, either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I plucked Joseph’s line in the darkness of my mind, like it was a string on a harp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, I saw him, alone in the Church I had never been to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked in my direction once again, and this time he smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, you truly are the Guardian Angel of Eden’s Gate, just like the Voice told me. Just like Faith is my faith, you are divine proof that we will succeed,” Joseph raised his arms to me, and I leaned into his touch as if it were natural. I felt his warmth, I felt his calloused hand wipe the blood from my mouth. I was in awe. Magic. It had to be the magic of the Voice that made my connections to others so strong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joseph spoke again, “My child, you will come to my island to receive your angelic name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded into his hand, wordless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was what he said I was. I felt it resonate deep within me. Mortal as I was, I was given a Divine Gift from the Voice. The Father knew it all too well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The faintest screaming in the back of my head told me that I was delusional. That I was being brainwashed and that it was the Bliss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stomped on the voice in my head. I felt a part of me die, deep inside. My mind quieted down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Good.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was meant to serve Eden’s Gate. To serve the Father.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The line closed, and I opened my eyes as if I had woken from a dream. Shania was walking to where I was sitting, and she gasped and ran to me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh Faith has reached you! Oh thank the Father, bless his name!” She sputtered, as if she expected to find my corpse instead. I looked at the cross beneath us and smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I took the leap of faith!” I giggled and hugged her. Shania lifted me off of the ground in the hug and squealed. “I did it!” I laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did it! You’re an Angel!” She cried, happy tears streaming down her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She walked me back to Angel’s Peak to rest for the night, before I was to head to the Father’s compound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>____________________________________</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Entering The Father’s compound for the first time was like walking into a military base, small as it was. I passed by different buildings and family members, all of whom didn’t give me a second glance. I was one of them. We were a family. I was going to please our Father. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Father was waiting outside of the Church. Upon seeing me, he lifted his hands to me as he did the day before. I walked to him and leaned into his hands, putting my one hand on his left hand. He cupped my face gently as I closed my eyes. I felt his forehead connect to mine.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Welcome to Eden’s Gate, my child. You are blessed, a gift from the Voice to protect my family. Just as you have with my brother Jacob. He will need you now more than ever, to heal his scars from the war. As will Faith and John. They will be tested by the Hell that the White Horse has brought to us. You will protect them as their Guardian Angel.” He whispered to me in a quiet and loving tone, as one would their child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have the perfect name for you, my child. No longer will you be ‘Hailey’. Your name was given to me by the Voice. ‘Adalee.’ It means ‘God is my refuge’, and ‘noble one’.” He pulled me into an embrace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Adalee. Adalee. Adalee. Ah-dahl-ee. Adalee. My name is Adalee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It reminded me of my magic name I used to use in my pagan practice. ‘Adala’. It also meant ‘Noble One’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Synchronicity, I told myself. From my days as a witch to today where I was now a follower of The Father. I knew there were many gods, and that there was a Source, or main God, or the Universe, all the names one could call it. That there was magic in and out of this world, given to all beings. But I had never experienced anything like this in any practice before. Communicating with Deities and Spirits, and even with Rogue. I had never been able to physically touch anyone. To </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> touched by </span>
  <em>
    <span>them</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe Bliss was stronger than DMT in terms of use for spiritual practice. The Father was the real deal. It was both horrifying and relieving. I joined the right side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had many questions. Maybe it was time to get back into meditation, to strengthen the gift given to me. It would benefit the Project, and I’d be able to speak with Joseph whenever I needed to. Hell, he may even be able to do the same. Maybe it was mutual, considering John had noticed the pull, too. Could they call upon me the same way if I strengthened the connections? The Father let go of me, and I saw, then. He could glean things from me through the connection.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew of the feelings I had developed for Jacob. The connection must be connected to my energy and emotions by proxy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Father gazed deeply into me, and his smile only just touched his own blue eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t hide anything from me, my child. Go to him, guide him where your heart tells you. Just as Daniel had with John,” I realized he was talking about Rogue, “You will allow my brother Jacob to die old. You will give him what he needs, just as Daniel has given and received love from John. He will have a legacy he can touch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My face burned, and I nodded at the Father. I could hardly ever speak in his presence, as if he took my voice each time. It was embarrassing having John know, but to have the Father literally assign me to Jacob like this? Like it was now my job to love him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’d do anything for the Father, for Joseph. I just.. Didn’t expect this. My life and death were his. It stood to reason that in Life, there was love.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Thank you, Father.” Was all that I could say to him. I had permission to follow my feelings. The Father let me go, and I knew I was free to go back home.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>_____________________________________</span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I realized I wouldn’t be able to drive myself out of the compound on an ATV as easily as I’d hoped. Really, if it was a straight line it wouldn’t be so bad, but with all the curves I had to slow down to a crawl to make the turns. If I ran into any trouble, I only had a pistol, and I wouldn’t be able to steer in a confrontation. It wasn’t a very happy scenario. I stuck to smaller roads once I headed out of the Father’s compound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would be a while before I reached my destination, so I bundled up in warm winter clothes that a few Sister’s provided. On the way out, they had told me that a few more of the Deputy’s people were killed, but they didn’t tell me who since they didn’t know their names. It was a little disappointing knowing that more of Jude’s loved ones wouldn’t be joining us in the New Eden after the Collapse, but I steeled myself with the mantra Jacob gave to his troops.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Cut the Wheat from the Chaff.” I whispered it to myself until I started to believe it, driving down the dirt roads of Hope County.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was refreshing, being alone for once. It seemed like I was never alone since I joined the Project. Surely, it was on purpose. Community convinces people. It makes a collective expectation and a whole environment to cultivate that expectation from its members. It was fascinating to see it, really. Jacob and I had talked extensively on the herd mentality and how it changes a person’s reaction. It was one of the first conversations we had, really.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aside from his psychoanalysis on our first meeting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jacob had come into my office as I was closing up for the day and finishing the last bit of paperwork I had. He looked ready to tear my throat out at any second, a harsh expression of judgement plainly on his face. He sat down in the chair in front of me, and I was going to ask if I could help him, but he had interrupted me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You say you’re a therapist but the look on your face is that of someone being hunted, prey.” He gave a hollow chuckle and continued. “Tell me </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Doctor</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>, what help are you giving these soldiers?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jacob had started a line of challenging questions, and by the end of his tirade, I was exhausted. He had pulled from me some very personal information I would never share with a client.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Like how I feared killing my whole family. Or that I was selfishly helping people so that I could feel good about myself. To feel needed, useful. To have a purpose.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had grinned when I said that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jacob proceeded to tell me of Eden’s Gate, and how they needed someone like me. If I was looking for a purpose, he told me, there was no better place to find it. I had laughed and gave him a half hearted maybe, fully aware that the cult was something to watch out for, thanks to Rogue warning me months prior. Before they took him and turned him into a new Rogue.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I talked with him about the need for a purpose, and why he craved it so much. Of course, he turned it back to me, like a mirror. We were both looking for a purpose, a legacy to leave behind.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>From that conversation onward, whenever Jacob sat in the chair across from me, we spoke of many things. Dark, twisted things, bright and hopeful things, and most of all. We talked about the mind, and how suggestions burrowed into people unconsciously.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I loved the talks. I loved his company, the challenges he put in my way. I knew he was planting ideas in my head, but I tried to do the same to him. He was just more successful at it, having the air of surety draw me into his headspace.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was his guinea pig long before the Reaping even began.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled myself out of the memories and watched the corpses on the road. They were all brothers and sisters. I tensed up and began to throttle the engine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t take any chances of being caught or killed. The Whitetails knew my face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shuddered, thinking of the torture that had put others through. It wasn’t like the torture the Project put me through, but it was damn near as painful being put into an electric chair as it was being shot or scarred. Funny how I wouldn’t shudder at torturing others anymore, but the idea still held weight if it were me. Jacob really beat the compassion for outsiders out of my head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For they were the herd.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And we had to cull those that weren’t strong enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I chuckled to myself, having it occur to me how much I’d changed since.. Even just meeting Jacob. Joining Eden’s Gate put me on a whole new level.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bodies became more frequent, and I realized I should go off road the rest of the way if I wanted to avoid a confrontation with undoubtedly more Resistance members than I could handle alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned off the back road and into the brush, careful to listen for the sounds of wildlife or other people. I drove until I found a hiking path, which I gleefully took. Getting scratched up by dying plants wasn’t exactly fun in the colder months of the year.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Collapse was going to come sooner rather than later. I knew that. The radios that played the news all pointed towards another world war on the horizon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I gripped the bar a little harder, and flew down the trail. Following the web string that Jacob held. It was almost like he held it knowingly, pulling the string like a collar. Just as John had seen the strings, just as Joseph was able to pull his string, Jacob gripped it like a chain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had to kill the motor. It dawned on me that Jacob must have held his people on chains. Once they were out of the cages, they would forever be chained to Jacob, in one way or another.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The web for him was a chain and collar. On all of his soldiers. On me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A deep respect, tinged with awe, filled me. He hadn’t even known he had this sort of impact. He thought it was all in the mind and body, but it was also our spirits he took.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A reaper, just like his brothers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I heard the sounds of a man shouting while my ATV was unengaged. They came from ahead of me, but they were getting closer. Someone was shouting for help.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I climbed off the fourwheeler and snuck towards the noise, hoping to find a brother or sister, and not the Resistance pulling a trap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The person I ran into was none other than Staci Pratt, armed with a rifle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both froze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He aimed his rifle at me and I ducked out of the way. Gunshots rang out. I had to kill him before he killed me.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Sacrifice the weak.” I muttered, realizing he was too weak to ever accept the Project as being right. He was strong for making it this far, but his heart was weak, weaker than mine. Staci fired at the tree I had rushed behind, and I had to move before he shot through the tree. I readied my pistol and jumped out. I shot him in the leg, and he tried to hold back a scream and his knees buckled. I could hear a song coming from the chain Jacob had around me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Only you can make all this world seem right,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Only you can make the darkness bright.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And fill my heart with love for only you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t realize I was singing it.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Staci covered his ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I raised my pistol to his face as I crouched over his body.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Only you can make all this change in me,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>For it's true, you are my destiny.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When you hold my hand I understand the magic that you do,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You're my dream come true, my one and only you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>I placed the gun to his forehead.</span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled the trigger point blank on the defenseless man.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His brains covered the earth below him, now silent as death.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt my knees give out and I ended up sitting on the torso of the corpse, taking a breather. Pratt, Jude’s friend. Was dead.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>I had killed him.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The connection I had to Jude lit up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was in a cage, blissed out. But he saw me. He saw me sitting on his family’s corpse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He started to scream. In rage. In fear. In regret. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I ripped the cord from me as quickly as I could, feeling like I was going to vomit. I felt like I had just drunk too much booze, as I held the connection in my hand, away from me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could fucking remove them? I vomited on the body below me, tears streaming down my face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I don’t think I wanted to remove any more of them. I felt disembodied and ill, glaring at the string in my mind’s eye. Would it be possible to reattach it? If I already felt this fucked up, testing this would be a great moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pulled it back to me, feeling the connection slowly mend. I felt grounded as it reestablished itself, and I vomited again at the sensation of something akin to cauterization, retching like my life depended on it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the connection stabilized, I saw Jude, again. He was banging on the bars, screaming bloody murder. He didn’t see that I was watching him this time. He was calling out, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>You killed Pratt, you fucking bitch! I’m going to fucking murder you the second I’m out of here!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I tapped the connection, shutting it off. I could feel his anger coming from the connection, but instead I focused on another one.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Jacob.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hesitantly tapped the chain, unsure of it or how he’d respond to such a thing. Once the connection filtered into my mind, I saw him. He was sitting at his desk in the Veteran’s Center, downing a beer. It was the first time I saw him drink, and it occurred to me that drinking was prohibited. I guessed it didn’t apply to the war hero with mental scars.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked up from his bottle and saw me. His mouth opened just the slightest bit and he chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So that’s what Joseph meant. Damn, you’re a lot like Faith, Putee.” He shook his head and gazed below me.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Well done. That Judas broke free when we were out by the cages. Good thing you put him down.” He looked at the vomit and I looked away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You alright there, Putee?” he asked sardonically, raising an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ugh.. Fit as a fiddle, Jacob.” I rolled my eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re still gonna straddle his body like while talking to me?” He took another swig of his beer. I raised my eyebrows with a blush spreading across my face.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Don’t tell me you’re jealous, army man.” I tried to play off the look he was giving me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t get an attitude, Putee. I’d have to teach you a lesson.” He growled, eyeing me. It sent a shiver down my spine and a heat into me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hah, alright, alright. I’ll get off the corpse of the man I just murdered, to save you the jealousy.” I rolled my eyes and hopped off of the still warm body below me. He barked out a laugh, and it occurred to me how fucked up this must be to an outsider.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since you took care of Peaches there, you ought to hurry on home.” Jacob nodded at me and I tapped the connection to close the chain. My face was still burning with how he addressed me. That was.. Probably the most direct Jacob had ever been. Sure, he’d flirted before, before the Reaping. Mostly because I’d quip with him about the mind and how infatuation can occur just through repeated exposure. It was casual, a nice thought but not one either of us wanted to pursue at the time. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <em>
    <span>“Ah, Jacob Seed, back again I see.” I raised my arms in welcoming. He grinned and nodded to me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“When you’re stalking prey, you gotta keep on em, doc.” He sat in his usual chair and leaned back with a confident shit-eating grin plastered on his face.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Careful Seed, keep talking like that and I might swoon.” He coughed out a laugh, before getting the rare feral look in his eyes that always reminded me he was a killer.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re always here at the Vet’s Center, Hailey. Careful, come here too often and you might fall for a wolf. The sheep that you are, it wouldn’t go well for you.” He had hissed out.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Please, Jacob. Save the spice for later. The only wolf here is you, and I’m sure you’re already attached to me with the way you show up like clockwork. Exposure leads to affection, you know. Soon enough you’ll like me too much to chow down.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>I had many conversations like that with him. Maybe he really meant something by it all those times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To be honest, it was hard to believe he’d ever be interested in a therapist of all people. Specifically someone like me, who was sensitive and not all that confident in the past. Now, it wouldn’t be as surprising, but it still felt unbelievable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had Jacob really seen me like that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>...Was I too stubborn to notice it before?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What a fucking thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked back to the ATV and roared the engine, tearing down the path, past the man I just killed and disrespected. I prayed he would forgive me and drove on, headed home.</span>
</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Descent to Decent to the Scent</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Adalee makes it back Home. It goes a lot better than they expected, really.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On an ATV, it took much of the early part of the day to get the Veteran’s Center in my sights. Once it was, I left out a sigh of relief, my hand freezing cold from the drive. I slowed down heading up the gravel road. I had a bit of blood on my clothes from Staci, but it was nothing too bad. I cracked my neck and drove into the Veteran’s Center. The smell of wolf, Bliss, and blood filled my nose.</p><p> </p><p>It was strangely comforting after all the time I’d spent here. Hell, it was a horrible mix of scents, but it was home. It reminded me of the smell of weed, cigarettes, and booze Rogue always wore as a cologne. It wasn’t a great smell to someone who hadn’t become accustomed to it, but once you connected it to a loved one it was much more pleasant. I parked the ATV with a few others and hopped off, hopping up and down to warm back up, shaking my hand to get the blood flowing again.</p><p> </p><p>A few brothers looked away from me, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Perverts should get lust written all over them. I heard footsteps approaching me, so I quit my silly warm-ups and turned to the noise. It was a nervous-looking young sister, who stuttered out a hello. She was small and frail and looked to be slightly blissed out.<br/><br/>“Uh- Ah… You’re.. ‘Putee’? Right?” She could barely raise her voice over the noise of the Vet’s Center. I nodded and gave her a gentle smile. She looked at the blood on me and paled. Was she not used to this? Must’ve been new or from Faith’s region.</p><p> </p><p>“W-well. Uh. Jacob told me to greet you when you arrived and to tell you he’s waiting for you. By the cages.” She finished, ducking away nervously now that her task was finished, practically running away. Did I do something? I looked down at myself, the blood and dirt that covered my clothes seemed pretty normal at this point.</p><p> </p><p>I looked at my chest. Was it because I was another woman physically? I blinked owlishly. I was curvy at one point, sure, but most of it had fallen off into muscle during training, and even more had fallen during my time in the cages. I had gained some muscle and fat back, but I wasn’t.. Attractive. Not to myself, at least. Wide hips and a little ass was all that I was working with now.</p><p> </p><p>Hell, even as far as having a D cup size, it only caused more stress, and sometimes fucking dysphoria. Not often, of course, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.</p><p> </p><p>There was no way Jacob would accept his partner being Non-binary when they’re physically a woman. The thought crashed through me, and I frowned. I’d been standing in place thinking for too long, and realized I needed to get out of my head and just talk to the man. About a lot of things. First off, it was time to see what he needed from me by the cages. It made my stomach turn, but I squashed it and walked to the cages, past the barking Judges.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob was watching someone in a cage, and as I approached, I saw it was Hudson. She was shaking the bars and screaming. Begging for help, for mercy, yelling curses and threats if we didn’t let her out. I looked to Jacob and gave him a scrutinizing look.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s up, buttercup?” I decided on something to make him grin. Jacob had a smile touch his lips as he looked and me, but then his scarred face turned serious.<br/><br/>“Tell her what happened with Peaches.” He said with a dark look. Ah, shit.</p><p> </p><p>“Well.” I sighed, and plopped down into the dirty, much to Jacob’s entertainment. I looked at Hudson. “Peaches was out and about in the woods back a ways, calling for help.” I started, with a smile gracing my lips, and I tried to gesture wildly the way Staci had.</p><p> </p><p>Hudson had quieted down, her full attention on me.</p><p> </p><p>“So, I’m driving my ATV back home in the cold, freezing my bits off, and I heard him. I killed my fourwheeler’s engine and snuck around to find the source, just in case it was one of our,” I pointed between Jacob and me, “people, you know?”<br/><br/>“So what happens? I turn to come face to face with Peaches!” I raised my hand and gave a ‘hoo-ray!’ “He decides I’m not a friendly face and tries to shoot me.” I closed my eyes, starting to really get into the memory.</p><p> </p><p>“He was shooting the tree I was behind. It was almost a bad position, but he didn’t respond fast enough when I popped out from behind the tree and shot him in the leg.” I muttered, calming down.<br/><br/>“I started to sing a song, I’m not wholly sure why I ended up singing it? It was ‘Only You’ by The Platters. It’s a great song and I’ve listened to it a lot since coming here.” I put my hand on the ground. “It was like it was only natural to sing it for Staci? So I got up close to him while he’s covering his ears and his leg was bleeding out. I put my pistol.” I opened my eyes and made a gun shape with my hand, putting it between Hudson’s eyes. “And finished the chorus of ‘Only You’ with a bang.” I mimicked a recoil and Hudson’s face contorted into a look of grief and fury.</p><p> </p><p>“You goddamn peggie whore!” She started screaming, trying to grab me from the cage. I decided it was time to stand up, so I rolled to my feet and dusted myself off. I looked at Jacob with a grin.<br/><br/>“Better? I think I’ve gotten better at that.” I looked at him for approval, to which he patted my back.<br/><br/>“Well, you left out that you vomited on his body.” He said it loud enough for Hudson to hear, which only riled her up further.</p><p> </p><p>“I was gonna leave that and the straddling out of it, Jacob. No need to disrespect the dead more than that.” I chuckled and wiggled my brows at the man, whose face turned just a bit red. I lightly shoved him, smelling the booze, sweat, and gunpowder that wafted off of him. He growled and pulled me to him, shocking me out of our little moment. He held my elbow to his shoulder, forcing me on my toes.<br/><br/>“No need to be a tease, Adalee.” He whispered in my ear, and let me go. I backed up immediately, face burning. He gave me a look that could really only be described and the cat who got the canary. Or a hunter who cornered his prey.</p><p> </p><p>With that, I turned quickly away to the Center with my face red as a lobster. </p><p> </p><p>Once inside, I power walked to one of the bathrooms, shutting and locking the door behind me. “Hoo-boy what the fuck.” I muttered, wandering to the sink to wash my face.</p><p> </p><p>I ran some warm water and started to wipe my face, then continued to try and wash the blood off of my clothes. </p><p> </p><p>“Damn. Tragic. The stains are forever ingrained in this.” I sighed morosely, really just trying to get my mind off of Jacob. When was he so forward?</p><p> </p><p>Was I just stupid?<br/><br/>Did Joseph tell him about what happened, why I came back here?<br/><br/>He knew my name.<br/><br/>He knew about the connections I had.</p><p> </p><p>It would make sense that he would know I was here to ‘guide him’, Joseph wouldn’t hide anything from him. I started to scrub my face with the running water again, trying to clear my head of the thoughts plaguing me. I would work under the assumption he knows my role here, and that I had developed feelings for him. It was the only viable route, considering the connection between us was as heavy as a chain.</p><p> </p><p>Like a leash.</p><p> </p><p>“Hah, shit. Woof.” I muttered out, turning off the water. I felt just a bit calmer, but my heart was still pounding out of my chest. The ‘thrill of the hunt’ that Jacob talked about also applied to the ‘thrill of being hunted’. Oh, to be human.</p><p> </p><p>I walked out of the bathroom to see Jacob waiting with an amused look.<br/><br/>“You alright there, Putee? You left me and <em> Oxygen Thief </em> pretty quickly out there.” He taunted.</p><p> </p><p>“Hah,” I huffed out an embarrassed laugh, “I suddenly had the need to escape emotional intensity, Jacob. I wonder why.” I tried to put some bite in the remark, but by the look on Jacob’s face, he knew it was just bark.</p><p> </p><p>“Little weird that a bonafide therapist was trying to escape ‘emotional intensity’, Adalee.” He whispered my name as if to pull on the chain connection us. Of course, I felt like he had taken the wind from my sails and left me a blushing mess.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not so much the therapist running away, so much as the one who acted like a therapist. You know, the person with..” I paused, trying to sugarcoat my words, but giving up and settling with the truth, “I struggle to handle romantic emotions, and I end up acting like this.” I gestured to myself and my still burning face. Jacob crossed his arms and puffed his chest out. </p><p> </p><p>“There we go,” He growled out, almost encouragingly. “That’s what I like to hear.” He stared deeply into my eyes with his blues. I rubbed my neck, struggling to maintain eye contact with the Herald in front of me.</p><p> </p><p>“The truth?” I hardly could get my voice over a whisper, “Yeah, Jacob. Uh. I, um. I really enjoy your company and have a thing for you.” I quickly spat out, figuring getting this out of the way would help the Project at Eden’s Gate move forward.</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled, still gazing into my eyes. The humor fell from his face and was replaced with a cold intensity. I wanted to back away from him, my heart in the throat. He didn’t give me the chance to do so since he grabbed the back of my neck with one of his large calloused hands. He pulled me to him and I felt his scraggly beard meet my face before his lips touched mine. The kiss was deep, and I could only accept his lips. His beard tickled my face, and I couldn’t stop the desperate chuckle that escaped me.</p><p> </p><p>When he pulled away from me, a string of saliva connected us. I wanted to cover my face and laugh like a schoolkid, and Jacob has a satisfied look on his face. His hand was still on the back of my neck, and he pulled back to him, whispering in my ear, his beard scratching my face as he spoke.<br/><br/>“Be my good little Putee, and go kill the Oxygen Thief for me.” He let go of me and stepped back, admiring his work. He backed up and walked away with a pep in his step. </p><p> </p><p>I was faced with killing another one of Jude’s comrades so quickly? They must.. Really want him to break. My face burned at the feeling of Jacob’s hand not fading from my neck. It was.. Well. I was burning up inside. I made my way past a few shocked looking brothers and sisters who no doubt caught their Herald in the middle of such a scandalous PDA expression with me, the amputee.</p><p> </p><p>I rushed outside, checking to see how many bullets I had left in my pistol. Only three. I’d make sure it counted before I reloaded my gun. It was a matter of.. ‘PRIDE’ to finish this with three bullets. I started humming ‘Only You’ as I approached Hudson’s cage.</p><p> </p><p>“Good to see you in high spirits, friend.” I called out to her with a smile. She jolted and looked at me with a look of terror and anger. I laughed and sat in front of the cage, out of her reach. Not that she didn't try to grab at me with the feral look in her eyes. I grinned, waiting for her to calm down.</p><p> </p><p>“Since you’re so lively, I can tell you haven’t been here too long. How long has Jacob had you over here?” I questioned, letting a slightly too wide grin cover my face.</p><p> </p><p>I was really starting to enjoy this.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you! I’ve been here for three goddamn days. Staci was supposed to get help! You fucking killed him you bitch! You’re too fucking scared to get close to this cage because you know I’ll smash your fucknig brains out for what you’ve done!” She was absolutely livid, and it made me feel calmer.</p><p> </p><p>I was going to make this last.</p><p> </p><p>I pulled out my pistol and laid it just out of Hudson’s reach.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s three bullets in there. I’m going to slowly kill you, each bullet going somewhere new, I think.” I spoke casually, as if talking about the weather. Hudson made grabs for the gun in front of her, but she didn’t have the arm length to even graze it. She began to weep in frustration.<br/><br/>“You’re fucking sick!” She cried.</p><p> </p><p>“So’s Tammy. She’s a member of the Whitetail militia. If she’s still alive, that is. She tortured my people too, you know? Both sides are fucked up.” I stated matter of factly. “At least we offer the opportunity to be saved, you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you and your peggie bullshit! You fucking doomsday cult deserved to burn in hell!” She shouted, and I mocked a shock expression, before picking up the pistol.</p><p> </p><p>She gasped and skittered away to the back of the cage.</p><p> </p><p>I watched her, laughing at the sight.</p><p> </p><p>“You really aren’t gonna go out with dignity, huh?” I raised my brow at her and pointed the gun at her stomach. It would be a slow, painful death.</p><p> </p><p>“Bang.” I whispered as I shot her. She had tried to jump out of the way, but with such little room in the cage, it still hit her in her intestines. She looked down and tried to cover the wound.<br/><br/>I stopped listening to her insults and cries and pleas.</p><p> </p><p>I started to up, continuing the song I hadn’t finished with Staci.</p><p> </p><p>“Only you can make this change in me,</p><p>For it's true, you are my destiny.</p><p>When you hold my hand I understand the magic that you do,</p><p>You're my dream come true, my one and only you.”</p><p> </p><p>I shot her in her right shoulder. Just like I had been. I let out a sigh of relief. It was almost therapeutic, really. She continued to scream, her crying getting more and more uneven. I gave her a minute, before I shot her in her chest, right where her heart was.</p><p> </p><p>Contrary to the media, she didn’t die from it immediately. I started to count the seconds.</p><p> </p><p>She was struggling to breath, bleeding out and having her heart literally shot starting to really do the trick. Her pulse was slowing, and her body soon went still, after about three minutes of counting.</p><p> </p><p>I gave a low whistle.<br/><br/>“Damn she was a fighter.” I said, impressed.</p><p> </p><p>“Too bad she was playing for the wrong team.” I shrugged, staring at her corpse. I tapped Jude’s cord, which was still weak from my earlier ripping stint. </p><p> </p><p>He appeared in what seemed to be a weaker version of my usual connections. He was tied up and blissed out, with more scars and milky white irises. I gave him a low whistle.</p><p> </p><p>“Augh, not this again. I don’t want to see her! Stop putting her in my head!” He cried.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m not a hallucination Deputy. Not right now, at least. I just wanted to give you an update.” I pointed to Hudson’s body.<br/><br/>“She was a real fighter, I tell you. Really held on till the end.” I stated, giving Jude a proud grin. He looked at her body, and didn’t even scream. He just started to quietly weep.</p><p> </p><p>“Please..” He whimpered, “Please tell me that’s not Hudson. Please be fake.” He wept, trembling in his chair.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, it is. She cursed at us the entire time she was slowly fading out. I made sure it was slow, since she’s been more trouble than she was worth.” I purposely tugged hard at the connection, and Jude vomited on himself. </p><p><br/>“Leave me alone. Why can’t you all leave us in peace?” He sobbed, and I raised my brows, mocking pity.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>“Oh, but <em>Jude</em>. You were the one who <em>started</em> this, remember? <strong>You</strong> were the one to start the reaping. <strong>You’ll</strong> be the end of it, too.” I nodded, and tapped the line closed before he could reject the truth.<br/><br/></p>
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